From early in my teen years I dreamed and wished to be in love with someone for the rest of my life.And yet somewhere in my mind even then I knew it was not to be for me.
Maybe things could have been different if I had had the courage to be myself, instead of following the path that I thought would lead me out of the way I was and into some utopia.
I look around me and I see marriages like my Father had with my stepmother that lasted 60+ years,and my Sister who has always had a perfect marriage now for over 30 years,and friends who have been together for very long marriages and I marvel at how it really works.
When I married my sons Mother she got pregnant the very same night so we really had no time to get to know if things were going to work out or not we just set about doing what was necessary,to raise a child in a very normal way,well as normal as two young hippies could at the time.The very best thing that came of it all was that our lifestyle at the time allowed us both to be in his life during his formative years,that was good for all three of us I’m sure.But in the end the marriage failed like the vast majority of American marriages do I don’t blame my condition on this one so much as just chalking it up to normal in our society.We grew apart there may have been some telltale signs of who I was peeking through toward the end but it was not the reason for the end.
I could have stopped the whole cycle right then by just summoning the courage to be me, but once again I succumbed to fear and made the same mistake again.And still again once more.
I guess I realized some where out in the middle of it all that any chance for being in that dream relationship was gone forever.Finally as sure as it was real the girl in me began to leak out more and more as if I were finally testing the waters so to speak. I had I guess by then started to know that a traditional marriage was not for me,that I was simply not good at it nor was I finding it at all desirable to my life.
Realizing now that that dream will never be fulfilled I have to let go of all that and venture a new type of dream to fulfill my need for companionship,perhaps there is still a chance that two pairs of slippers will end up up under my bed at night.