I”m well into my fifth year now,of having lost my wife to suicide.
During those years a lot of new growth has taken place in my life,I have finally been able to accept and grow as who I have always been in life,something regrettably I didn’t do much earlier on but we just can’t go back and have a do over in the real world.
In recent months I have come to realize that looking back at my life has little benefit to the new me as a matter of fact it’s only proved to always be a hindrance.
For all most all of the past 5 years I have grieved for a woman I now realize didn’t love me nearly as much as I loved her,at first her loss seemed to be one of the most tragic moments of my life,surely coming home from work to find your wife dead shot by her own hand with your own pistol is not something any of us would want to find on our most desired things list.The entirety of that evening was one of the worst nightmares I have ever experienced,even surpassing many of the horrible tragedies I saw in the Vietnam war.I called 911 and waited in great anguish for them to arrive by the time they got there I was having a panic attack and they put me in the ambulance and finally got me calmed by then a full blown investigation was underway with the coroner and three detectives and countless squad cars on the scene,I was quickly ushered into the back of one of the squad cars where I would remain for over 6 hours as all this unfolded,on a few occasions being questioned by the detective in charge.And then I watched as her body wrapped in a sheet was removed to the coroners van this was my last vision of her she was taken downtown for autopsy and only released to the crematorium after that.I never had a time to look at her and say my good byes.In the following days I received her ashes,and a grocery bag containing the clothes she wore that day complete with the blood for added memories I guess I could have done without that at the time but oh well.
I spent the next couple of weeks sorting through our life’s possessions as I moved because I just didn’t think I could ever look at that place and regain any sense of relief in life again,I continued to work each day coming home in the evenings to sort through all that we were and crying only to get up the next day and do it again for what seemed an eternity.Finally it was over and I was moved and set forth about my life without her.
Within a few months I began to become very ill but stubbornly went on working thinking it would pass in time but it just kept getting worse until I couldn’t go on anymore I had lost nearly one hundred pounds and couldn’t keep any food in my body as fast as I would put anything in my sick stomach it came out as diarrhea,I had a friend drive me to the emergency room where I was diagnosed with colon cancer,problem was I wasn’t in well enough condition by then to be operated on,they immediately began feeding me through IV and as they could getting me to eat double meals and drinking ensure 4 times a day in an attempt to get me strong enough for the operation after nearly a month they succeeded and then found that there was another complication I also suffered from a bad case of COPD they said that putting me under was very risky and that in many cases I might not wake up from the operation but I knew we needed to go forward and at the time I was close to giving in anyway and just joining my wife where ever she was.The operation that was supposed to take about 2-3 hours became complicated and lasted for over 7 during which time they removed a grapefruit size cancer and 4.5 feet of my colon. needless to say my long stay in the hospital and now time needed to recover left me in dire straights unable to work or maintain a residence any longer left me without a lot of options,I petitioned the state and my local veterans office for assistance but was denied on both fronts ,left pretty much alone in Florida I was out of ways to see my way on and my son decided I should return with him to Indiana where I grew up,so I did and process of starting my life over began,I applied for disability and after being examined by the state was found unable to work and it was granted,slowly for the next 6 months I began the process of getting my own place and getting out of my son and daughter in law’s place (a painful story best left untold) I finally got my own place and my life began to grow again this time as the person I knew I was, Shelle.
Upon starting up my new home I was still in mourning over my wife and decided that a bookshelf in my living room would become a shrine to her a place I would use to remember her and our life together.Time has gone on now and Shelle has grown and has flourished in her new life and the old memories have faded now into the past,so I have dismantled the shrine put the things safely away and made space for the new life I so warmly embrace now.
Thanks must go out to my loving family and friends for helping me grow to this point and giving me great hopes for the future.
Until next time yours