I had occasion yesterday to spend a day in a very busy tourist spot.It was teaming with people from I imagine almost everywhere,for the average person this is just another day in life.
As turns out it was just another day for me as well,I walked along the busy crowded streets with my friends completely oblivious to my once frightening expectations of what others were seeing,I got no odd stares or looks of contempt from those people in the crowd,I just walked along noticed only as another face in the crowd.
In years past I would have been very much on edge and constantly worrying, about what everyone else was thinking when they walked by me,would they laugh point me out,and draw attention to me making me feel freakish. All this used to be ever present on my mind when I went out in public view as a woman,but times and the world have changed around me,as well I have done a lot to change me too. I have learned to put away my fears and replace them with a confidence and that reflects back on me,people sense your fear and when you exude confidence in yourself that too is sensed.
Fear is such a powerful part of every ones life,we all start out as young adults in life with more of it than we really need but for us transgendered folks we get a heaping helping it seems,and we seem to learn to just keep piling it on as time goes by,never really stopping to just know we are just as normal as everyone else,we burden our lives with fears about what others think of us endlessly.
The best thing we can do for our selves in life is to just put a boot in ass of fear and kick it out of our lives,I think this works not just for us but for all people being a teenager is a life filled with fear too,we are just as conscious of acceptance at that part of lives too.
I’m aware now that my past was just a story,and now told it has little power over my future.I have no desire to look back at it I lived it doing the best I could with the information I had.
I feel like just another flower in the garden now no less pretty than any of the others surrounding me,Blending is a beautiful thing and I have come to love the fact that I can.
As a transgendered person I have spent long years in anguish finally getting to the point of taking that major step that finally breaks you free of the strongest of the bonds that hold you back from living as a normal human being. That being finally allowing all that know you to find out exactly who you really are,for what ever reason It seams my generation is particularly troubled by this part of the transition and so much fear tends to drive our lives away from doing what needs to be done to set us on a course that will finally free us and enrich our lives and finally make us able to see life in it’s true beauty.
I had been urged by many to begin the process of outing myself for years but just kept pushing it off and living with the fear which only served to torment me further,quite by accident one day my cousin,a girl cousin that I had always been close to somehow figured out that I had two separate internet Identities,of course she could not stand it until I finally confessed to her what was going on in my life. Gripped with fear at the fact I had just spilled the beans to a family member I anxiously awaited her response.It was very positive,and I began a long conversation with her about who she felt would be safe members of my family to start my outing with.
As it turned out the whole process went very quickly and very smoothly my deepest fears in life were for the most part completely unfounded,what fool I felt like at being afraid for so long when I could have just as easily begun this whole process much earlier in life and missed out on a lot of grief I put myself through unnecessarily.
It’s been many months now and gradually more and more of my friends and family have become a loving part of my life and very supportive of my life in general,I can finally take that sigh of relief and just live as me without the burden of fear always pushing my life back instead of forward as it should be.