Across The Rubicon

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As most of you know already,last year before our Family reunion I made the decision to no longer hide who I am from my people. This has resulted in the biggest and best turning point of my not so young life.

It has allowed me to forge better and stronger relationships with members of my family and their friends as well,without doubt it has lead to a relationship between my youngest sister and I that I  dreamed about but never thought would exist, we have grown so close and formed the most wonderful bond It’s like it was somehow destined to have happened.We have become inseparable friends. It makes me cry sometimes knowing how long I kept myself from the fruits of love my family had to offer.

As with most Like me in my age group we began our journey with very conflicting and confused views of our condition,and over time we confronted nearly every emotion and self doubt that anyone could conceive,most going through periods where we thought we could defeat the reality of what we are by as many methods as our twisted understanding could dream up,as with myself I went the whole gambit ,practicing  immersion therapy thinking if I could just do the most male things possible It would somehow go away or at least I would be invisible and no one would discover my socially abnormal lust to be what my brain kept telling me I was. 

Well as it turns out,after a few years now of consistent hormone therapy I threw caution to the wind in favor of living as the person who had been trapped by utter fear of discovery and just began reconstructing what I had left of my life as just me. A me even I wasn’t sure I really was after these long years of confusion and lack of understanding my true self.This round of things is much different than my previous temporary jawnts into womanhood this time I went in with a commitment  to never turn back again but always continue moving forward no matter how frightened or difficult it might get.

So many times in my life I built wardrobes of womens clothing only to lose my confidence,or out of fear of being discovered and having to face what I thought would be the true end of life.I purged so many wardrobes only to begin again within a few months this time I did a reverse purge and rid myself of every piece of male clothing I owned with the solid mindset that this time a permanent girl would appear and grow and keep growing and never again look in the rear view mirror.

This time I have truly crossed the Rubicon, for those who have no knowledge of the term briefly it was a river in Italy that was forbidden to be crossed by Armies,and Julius Caesar crossed it with his army it was a point of no return just as I have finally reached the point of no return in my transition,I have truly become something completely unique to all previous versions of myself,It has been so powerful a change that I’ve completely released my mind from all that seemed to clutter it with doubt about my true identity,I no longer even, but on rare occasions  think of being transgender I’m just Shelle.

Some new reality has set in on me I used to be very focused on every article and piece of information that had anything to do with being transgender that I just couldn’t get a grip on working hard on the individual I wanted so much to be.Truth is the best and most motivating thing I ever did was to trust my family with what I had been facing all my life,guess had I should have trusted in the fact that I came from pretty strong people who have known how to deal with diversity and personal struggle from the time our people landed on these shores from England. I guess that learning all I could about my condition was really a right of passage in most ways a trail to be traveled,to a destination that was far from sure in the beginning.Truth is I have gained more strength and clarity in life by reuniting with my loving family than I could ever have pictured in my mind,being able to look in eyes of the people you grew up loving all your life and feeling comfortable and loved is a priceless gift only they and God can bestow on you.

I know it’s been a bit since I last updated my journey but frankly real living has overcome me,I’ve been so engrossed in living that I really forgot to be concerned about the lost soul I once was. I don’t feel anything but normal these days,something I have never known in my life,there was always that heavy hand squeezing the life out of me.I guess being recognised as yourself and being comfortable there is pretty intoxicating to someone who really hasn’t known it in an entire lifetime.Feels kind of like I need to sprint toward the finish line as there are not many ticks of clock left in my life,like I must cram every wonderful moment of a finally happy life into the small place left to fill ,before leaving this new found peace. Relationships I once thought would be burning pieces of coal,have now turned into precious diamonds,and I’m blinded by the glitter so much that I’m just living free from all the burdens I once heaped upon myself.

Seems like Shelle has become the most normal person of my life,a girl that can be best friends with my sister,hang out with the girls go shopping and just hangout, there are so many new  things in my life I’m just drinking it all down with a very humbled heart.

Back real soon sorry for being away so long,

Butterfly

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