How do we get to a place of mutual understanding?

I hate to keep going over an issue that really seems to get little coverage on transgender blogs but,when you have first hand experiences that affect you in personal ways it’s something worth mentioning.

What you say am I talking about? it’s the distance between the lgb and the T as much as anyone wants to say that we are somehow in locked arm on issues that concern us all it’s really just an illusion,with most Gay people and particular,those on the male end of the spectrum.

They really have about as much understanding of Transgender persons for the most part as Cis people do.While this isn’t true for all, it tends to be more than not.My peronal dealings with a great many of them,leaves me feeling that they are for the most part a very self centered group of people intrested in moving their own interests forward regardless of what is truly the civil rights movement of our time.

I don’t make these claims lightly  it’s the culmination of years of interaction with gay men,I don’t however find this to be true of  the lesbian community,guess it’s just a girl thing,can’t pin that down for sure,but they just seem more tolerant than their Male counterparts.

Most of you who have followed me for any length of time know that this has been an issue that has had a cumulative part of forming my way of thinking in regards to the LGB—-    T,experience .

Personally I find a gap that lacks very much respect in most of the male gay community  and those of us who are Transgender definitely the struggle is much different for lots of obvious reasons.

I don’t expect this gap t close anytime soon as the goals are far apart,in reality.

As for me I will try my best to close the gaps between all people regardless of their preferences in life.

But I often find some of the LGB   T community out of sync with the real goals of humanity at large.

thanks to all

Butterfly

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Still here

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Lot’s to tell,finally but reluctantly our long winter begins to release it’s icy grip on this part of the world.The grip began early and we have had temps running 30 to 40 degrees below normal since mid October for a  lady like me who can’t afford the luxury an auto it has been most burdensome,the combination of being trapped inside for what seems a lifetime now,and the effects of my hormones have added some unwanted pounds to my physic,it doesn’t help that I love to cook and comfort food abounds in Shelle’s abode in the winter months (I should mention I’m a good eater too and I often eat more than I should when I’m stressed) well enough said about that I obviously have some work to do when spring allows me to get out work off the winter pounds.

On Other fronts I have still been on my quest for my someone,things in that department  have moved slowly up till recently,when a couple of events have caused some serious changes in my life,I have a male friend now for about two years who has always just been a platonic friend with no kind of intimate attachment,just friends,we are very close but just not close enough to be in a relationship,so I thought. But recently I had the occasion to go out with a guy and that sent him over the edge it seems, he said he couldn’t stand the fact that I might become attached to someone else and then not have the time for him anymore,Does it sound like he is more attached to me than he lets on or is it just me? Yea me too! Well he has always kept me away from his family I guess he was ashamed to have them know who and what I am even though I’m just me everyday,all that has changed rather suddenly,and I’m now fully welcome in his life,even still he says he wants no committed relationship,well me being me I had to insist that I not be held hostage by his feelings and still be free to pursue my someone,he agrees with words but not actions he is visually upset at the prospect.

In recent days I had an answer to my Craigslist ad, first one in months at least the first that seemed real enough to warrant a good look,I  engaged and we began a dialog that soon left me scratching my head,he said to me please don’t let race become an issue for us,to which I quickly responded how could you ever seek out someone like me and even bring up that issue I have probably experienced more discrimination in my life than you ever did in yours.I was never raised to see color I deal with all on the”content of their character not the color of their skin” Hope something good comes of this but I have learned to be cautious with these persons.

Updates forthcoming,

Butterfly 

The Invisible Man

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While I have made no secret that it is my desire to enter into a life relationship with a man,I’m reminded by my dear friend Cyrsti that I have embarked on what will likely be a long difficult and maybe impossible journey.I’m sure you all remember my disastrous last  experience with Craigslist not knowing much about  posting a personal there I got a very good education into the way most men perceive girls like me,I know that  the image they in general see comes from viewing porn sites and dreaming of what could be. Few I wager have ever given any thought to what a true transgender is all about they rely on their very skewed image that comes from not the  greatest of sources on the subject. I learned early on that transgender dating sites are no place to look as I always end up with the same type I last encountered  with my first Craigslist debacle. When I ask that they send a picture I had no idea that I would end up viewing so many mens private parts. It was easy to know which head these fellows were thinking with, not saying I didn’t find it somewhat flattering that so many found me attractive enough to have those desires but it just isn’t me to seek out sexual encounters with  every Tom ,Dick and Harry, I’m looking for something more , a cerebral connection  that makes a connection with their heart, not just with what their heart makes throb if you know what I mean. I do want intimacy I’d be remiss to say otherwise but  I have the patience to wait for someone very special  to make an entrance to my life.I thought armed with some experience now with Craigslist I would try again with a much refined list of desires, I may find myself lonely for a great while if the past couple of weeks are any indication,I have however made a connection with a nice fellow interested in being friends and having honest conversations with me It’s a start and I at least have found someone I’m able to honestly share with if nothing else it renews my faith that there are men of decency in this world with the patience to listen. I may indeed end up some old spinster but not for lack of trying I assure you. I know it’s asking a great deal  of the world to have my path cross with a soul mate but I just can’t bring myself to think it is completely out of the realm of possibility. In all my years I never gave up on myself so I’m not giving up on humanity either,I feel in my heart that I have been preparing for this all my life and that it WILL come to me. Meanwhile I’m seeking the invisible man or least one of the rarest of men on the planet.

Butterfly

Facing Reality and Moving On

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Well here we are a brand new year a clean slate to begin a new piece of life art,in that spirit I have to take a long hard look back and then turn back around and see if I’m not seeing things in my future which surely should be left in my past.Truth is I see things that I mistakenly let myself indulge in that just don’t have any foundation in reality I fooled myself into believing that I had somehow eclipsed some precipice and could just go forward thinking I had somehow left behind the reality of what I am and live a normal life as a woman the bare bones truth is I can’t while in my everyday life and dealings with most people I interact with it works like that,but certain of my relationships will never let that be anything near the truth I just have to face the fact that I am what I am and it will never change.I can never enter into a relationship with anyone man or woman ever in my life without this truth being  the focal point of the picture so I must learn to live with the fact that there will always be an asterisk beside the person I am and learn to move on from there and find the positive things that come from  my special God-given character.So I must realize that as I am a woman I’m a very unique kind of woman not one offered that gift by birth but one who took an inner strength that I was born with and turned it into a remarkable gift I can share with the world.Here in front of all of you is where I belong sharing with you my special life and my  failures and successes as I navigate this complicated journey that is  real and all me and all those like me instead of setting my sites on things that will never be I need to celebrate what is my reality and know that it is a gift to some and to me that goes far beyond my here and now understanding something that’s growing and continues to bloom in the springs of life.I’m obviously horrible at finding a relationship that bears the fruit of my life experiences but maybe that’s because I haven’t yet learned to present it in way that is palatable to the right person I’ll work on that,I was born full of passion and passion can be a great tool there are many kinds of it the kind that drives us to better and loftier things and a kind we can share in a very intimate way with someone or many others,all this is the real me and I will learn going forward to share it in the spirit God intended.

Butterfly

Years end Subjects and Life Updates

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Guess I’ll start with a painful story I’ve been putting off,because I’m humiliated and depressed about it,My recent plans to be married have vaporized as I was completely duped by someone perpetrating a scam on vulnerable persons like myself.I mostly have myself and my strong desire to share my life in a committed way with someone of like interest to blame.

That being said we have to realize that indicating our true identity as transgendered persons puts a strain on finding people who see us as just a normal person seeking a normal life ambition,as soon as we tell the truth about ourselves the parameters change and we are seen in a different light by many (not all I’m happy say). A second problem is also that the vast majority of men think with the head between their legs rather than the one on their shoulders,so finding one who is in the least cerebral is a crapshoot at best. While I myself would like to just forget the fact I’m a trans-person and live my life as just another woman it doesn’t seem likely that that that will ever happen when put into the context of a relationship because honesty is a basic premise to all successful relationships I feel it’s important to be upfront about my gender uniqueness from the very start of things,this however puts me in a more difficult spot than most cisgendered persons.

Going forward I have be ever mindful of my strengths and weaknesses in the area of the heart and know myself better that others will know me too,and know that these complications exist for me whether I want them or not. A new year is nearly upon us and a newer and improved Shelle will spring forth with it,we learn as we live but to not take chances means we just weren’t trying at all. Some famous sports guy once said you miss 100% of the shots you never take. I took one and missed horribly but I’m still in the game and still honing my skills.

Butterfly

On another subject that has been in the forefront of my thoughts and procrastinated for far too long now is dealing with the unfinished family outing of myself.I come from a huge midwestern farm family and while most are scattered across the country over time,I have not completed my coming out to all of them  I have too many but as with most of my life dealing with this subject is frightening at best but still I think important to my sanity.I have Aunts and uncles and cousins that have played significant roles in my life that  I have become estranged with over the course of time partly because I lived far away from the center of their lives for  many years and of course for personal reasons didn’t stay in contact with.In the summers we have family reunions out here in the heartland where as many of us are left and able get together over some good Hoosier  foods and fellowship and catch up with each other,this past summer I refrained from going not because I didn’t want to but because not everyone is aware of my choice to live as someone they have never met yet,and I felt like to just show up at their event would be very disruptive to their happy times I didn’t think being the focus of the event and having to explain  all day would be proper.There is also the looming issue of God forbid  funerals for many of the persons who are far up in years,being a no-show at these events seems very disrespectful to their families, but still certainly not a place to just show up as the new me,and create a scene. So In the coming new year I will set a task for myself to reach out to all I can in hopes of removing any missteps in my future dealings with any of them and possibly offering me a chance to once again be a participating member of my extended family circle.Certainly this is not a task I’m looking forward to but at the same time I feel like to continue to avoid getting it done shows a great character weakness in me that I don’t feel comfortable going forward with unchecked. Wish me luck as this will be undoubtedly a daunting pursuit,I realize much of it will likely have unpleasant results but I have never deluded myself into believing that keeping my sanity in life wouldn’t come without some alienation.     

Butterfly

Well the new year is almost upon us all and I want to say Thank You from the bottom of my Heart for all your kind words and supportive comments this year to all HAPPY NEW YEAR.

The Reverse Purge

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Throughout my life I from my early years as a child and right through to near present times I  collected feminine clothing articles and for most of my life secretly used them to satisfy my need to dress in what I knew was the appropriate way for my gender. As a child I would first borrow items from my sisters and finally my mother wear them and then carefully return them as stealthily as I could hoping never to be caught or have my secret revealed. Time went by and I began buying my own things and hiding them after dressing, these moments when I was able to slip away and be alone as my self helped over time to give me times when I felt  somewhat whole in my mystery world that no one knew of. It also began a cycle, one that many like me have experienced I would go in and out of periods where I felt I could purge these items from my life and live as what the rest of the world saw me as,but alas it never lasted long before I would begin to again start a new wardrobe and cycle would begin anew, this went on and on many times in my life until I finally made the commitment to let my secret out and live my life as Shelle,even then I found myself looking back  even going back living between the two lives a blurred line that kept me with one leg on each side of the fence.

But soon the Hormones began having a very strong influence on my thinking something I was really not expecting,I had for certain thought that some good physical changes would occur but had no idea of the mental changes that would take place.It seemed that all my thought patterns were becoming  more feminine and many things I was interested in most of my life were falling by the wayside and being replaced with other very powerfully driven female interests, things I dreamed about in life were becoming a reality no longer just hidden thoughts in the back of my mind.As this continued to manifest I began to realise that to have one leg on either side of the fence was not part of my end destination and that if I continued to enable myself to indulge in this I might again spend more time than necessary to achieve my goal of being a woman full time. And so began a new period in my life one I will call the ” reverse purge” I began a systematic program of ridding my life this time of all my male clothing articles,some I gave to friends who fit them and some went to Goodwill,until finally it was all gone and the thoughts of looking back finally faded with them,this purge seemed so right and I had no ill feeling like with my others that I would soon be wanting to replace it.I realised that I had released myself from that life and fully embraced who I had been seeking in this lifetime journey,It came with a lot more work everyday but work I should have been focussing on more anyway.

Finally I had crossed a barrier that moved me a long way down the road to my true self I found it one of the most liberating moves on my journey right up there with coming out to family and friends.transformationFreedom is not easy for anyone it always comes with sacrifice and hard work,but the prize itself is so sweet.

Butterfly

First experiences

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Yesterday I saw my oncologist for the first time since my transition began,I had seen her Nurse practitioner,On my last few visits partly because she has me alternate visits with herself and nurse Becky  in case of emergency there is always someone available who is familiar with my case.In particular the last few visits she was not available so I saw Becky and there was a time span when the state took my mediciad benefits away.and then I waited until my medicare came into effect before returning.

I have always been extremely happy with my doctor there she is a very caring person who always treats as you her only patient, plus she has her office covered with butterflies imagine me liking that! also the people in the office and Dr. are huggers so I always get hugs and feel special there.(My son hates going with me for that reason he is not a hugger and finds it not to his liking).

On yesterdays visit her nurses and staff got me ready to see her updated my medications and paper work as needed and informed I was no longer a male patient but a female one,so along with my usual examination we drifted into a conversation about my new journey in life,she ask some great questions and commented in the end that she was proud of my courage and thanked me for sharing my story with her,and said I was her only  transgender patient.

Now on to the first experience during my exam she also did a breast examination,she ordered some blood tests,and a mammogram,which I will get on the 24th of the month. I knew that at some point in time this was likely to come up as a part of my treatment,either by her or my General practitioner.Well this is certainly a true first in my life and likely a memory that will become indelible in my mind.

I’m a little scared by it all but at the same time I know all involved are professionals,I guess we are always a bit scared of the unknown but after Oct,24th It will no longer be an unknown to me.

I will update all on the experience then.

 

Butterfly

Our History

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I encourage you all to read this great article about transgender history,we are all an ongoing part of it.

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Okay say that Again it sounded like something I always wanted to hear.

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Today  I stopped by the Doctors office to make an appointment as I have been having some problems for a couple of weeks.

When I explained what was wrong she sent me to the hospital to get blood work and urine sample. I left her office and I went straight away as I have been a little worried because some of my symptoms reminded me of what was going on before my bout with cancer.

I went through registration which took a little while as I had to update my medical info after my name change and my medicare and insurance now have my new name and list me as female now.

Soon I was before the phlebotomist and she proceeded to draw three vials of blood (kudos) to her she’s the best I’ve had in sometime. then came time for the urine test,as she gave me my instructions I listened attentively as she said there are three moist towelettes in here and the sample bottle use the towelettes to wipe front to back start your stream and the put the bottle under it. Little did she realize I have no front to back yet and may never, but it was music to my girly senses.

I hope I hear this repeated to me for many  years to come it really put a smile on my face.

 

Stand by for weekend posts, I’m stocked up for more fun stuff.

 

Butterfly

Mixed desires and Obligation

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While it has long been my desire to just blend in and become the ? girl next door,a part of me resists that notion knowing that my long years of suffering at the hands cruel persons and myself,leaves me in a unique position  that I feel somewhat obligates me to share who I am and how my life could benefit others like me,I don’t think many days go by in my life when there isn’t something that reminds me of the serious things that have led me to now. While I have continued to push forward with goals I set to  bring more sanity to my being,and more smiles into my life I can’t ever forget that this struggle is one I live alone in this world. While my struggle is very unique in and of it’s self it is played out in the minds and hearts of so many others like me. We each have a story that is the same and yet so different from each other,the journeys inside ourselves are never the same because no two minds ever see anything quite the same way. We do on the other hand face almost all the same obstacles in society as the other.

While many of you are already aware I petitioned  the courts and was granted a name change,along with these court documents,and a letter from my physician I was able to go to the Social Security Office and change my name and gender with them,the whole procedure took less than 10 minutes. However when I went to the bureau of motor vehicles to change my identity with them ,they had a whole different set of criteria to change my gender on my ID, as did the health department with my birth certificate. The BMV only requires a letter from your physician stating that the changes you have made to your body are permanent,(some of you may remember my earlier post Identify yourself your self in which I elaborated on this very subject) So i don’t feel this will be an obstacle too hard to prove with my Dr’s help the wording of her letter just has to be a little different than what is required by Social Security,and has to provide her license # and DEA #,as for the health Dept.their criteria is completely different altogether they have to have a court order only gained by having a letter from a surgeon who states that sufficient genital mutilation has occurred to make you no longer able to be observed as male. “more money more court fees and at least an Orchiectomy”.

I have already changed my name on all these things but only the federal Government will recognise my gender change,so for now the battle is still ensued to be recognised me as my true being, of course you all know Shelle does not go quietly into the night, so watch for more developments.

Now to elaborate on the many more facets of this immense project I undertook,of course we all have utility bills,some kind of bank acct. cable or in my case satellite service and on and on accts. with now the wrong name attached to them.I went to the bank submitted my court papers and came away with a new credit card,and ordered new checks,all went smooth there.

As for my utilities,Direct TV,gas, electric,internet and on and on I have to mail them the court papers before they will alter my accts.  Jeez this stuff just grows, but not to fear I’m not deterred,all will be as it should be in the end.

So for now girls I will leave you with these words from Larry the cable guy  “get er done”

Butterfly