April 24th 2013

April 24th was the one year Anniversary of my Fathers passing,I awakened to a gray, rainy, chilly day without any expectations of how the day would play in my life.

The day started as pretty routine I checked my E-mail and Facebook page did some Online shopping and then my usual housework and prepared for the day ahead.

A dear friend on the day before had given me a nice oak glass top end table to go beside a chair in my living room It cried out for a lamp but I didn’t have one so ask my friend if on the 24th we could go shopping at some of the many second hand stores in town and he said he would be over that afternoon.

I was in the bathroom preparing my self for his arrival when the phone rang It was my son someone I haven’t had a great deal of contact with in recent times since I came out to him as transgendered,the whole thing put a pretty big strain on our relationship I knew it was very hard for him I pushed the issue pretty hard at first and seemed to get nowhere with it and so decided to just give him time and space to process all this in his own way.(One of the greatest fears for transgender people is losing friends and family when you finally decide to open this information to the public and begin living as who you really are.) On this day however he let me know that I was still important to his life and that he was ready to make sure we could spend time together and that he was willing to accept me as I am,a huge break through for us.We had a wonderful talk that day and spoke of getting together often and going out to dinner soon,needless to say I was very pleased by our talk and wondered if that it was the day and the memory of my now missing father that had spurred this in his heart,he knows that the day will come when I too will be in the sad memories of deceased loved ones we gather as life goes by.

I finished getting ready for my outing and then watched my Soap while waiting for my friend to arrive. He arrived and our quest to find the perfect lamp began,our first stop Trader Bucks, don’t really know why we picked it but the most amazing thing happened when we walked in he headed for the back of the store and I seemed to be guided by some strange force to turn right and start my looking in the front of the store I walked straight to a lamp sitting on a shelf as if it had magically called me there and there it was the perfect lamp for my table I had found it in under a minute and the price was so right. Only $10.99.

I grabbed it up and got a cart as I knew I couldn’t stop shopping in under a minute there was nearly a half acre of store to peruse yet. We must have spent two hours looking through all the booths and of course I found things I couldn’t escape without making them mine,Everyone who knows me knows I love anything butterfly OMG I found all manner of these there that day ,I will show them and more of my collection to you now,

The cast iron trivets were a great find as I had very few butterflies in my kitchen,set of six a dollar a piece also the vase hardly ever find those. well after all this shopping we had to stop on the way home at the grocery for some dinner items and a three way bulb for the lamp,as we finished up there and I was on my way out there by the exit stood my son and daughter in-law waiting to see me. we had a wonderful chat and exchanged hugs and I left thinking what a wonderful day this had turned out to be was it my Father sending me his love from his place in Heaven,I will always think so I LOVE YOU DAD.

Butterfly

Thought’s Over today’s Oatmeal

While having my morning oatmeal I began to reflect on my recent vacation.Likely one I shouldn’t have taken as it turned out,It started out with great promise of leaving my home in the cold of the midwestern winter and heading south to the warmer climes of South Carolina,to visit a friend and her family,only to find it pretty cold and gloomy there as well.

I had arranged this trip far in advance,and really looked forward to finally meeting my friend in person,it started with a very long and scary ride with another friend who was to drop me off and then go on to visit their sister,in Florida we had worked out a deal to share the gas expense so that we could both afford to go. The ride was tiring and a bit frighting as my friend left with no sleep and then drove almost 14 hours through the mountains,in an attempt to get me there at a time I had tried to keep with my other friend as she works a very grueling schedule,and I have great compassion for her dedication and hardship in this,rather difficult way of life.(the current state of politics making it very hard on working family’s these days),but that’s a whole other story.

We arrived in late evening very tired to some pretty chilly weather but I was quickly warmed with a hug from my friend,and made to feel welcome. After  a brief session of chit chat and few cigarettes by my friends we went off to bed,I was so worn out from the trip I fell asleep quickly as did my friend who planned to awake and get on with his trip to Florida.In the morning everyone went to work and school and my friend finally got off in late morning,and suddenly I was alone in a strange place with no one to talk to. I felt a little deflated just then but knew,That my friend would be home early that day,and that she had three days off We planned to go to an estate sale next day and did where she found a wonderful old cabinet for only five dollars,we later painted it a beautiful color of blue.

That first week was a difficult one for us both as she having had back surgery in recent months was in a great deal of pain and without her medicine to help her she was surely not herself even by her own admission,as for me I spent some pretty lonely days cooped up in the house alone because the weather just didn’t seem to want to break,it was bone chilling damp cold and rainy and I hadn’t really brought clothes for that my fault but it added to my misery just the same.My friend suggested that since I had little to do I could busy myself rearranging some of her cabinets so I busied myself with that and it did help to have something to do with my hands and mind. It was also difficult in the evenings that first week as she came home not feeling well and exhausted,she had her evening meal an tried her best to stay awake in front of the TV till Nine PM. I did have some idle conversation with her husband who is a gentle and kind man,he treated me very nice and I found him an amiable fellow and easy to talk to as we had some things in common in life ie our interest in motorcycles and cars.The end of that week I actually had some fun her niece came over and us girls went shopping and out to eat,a very nice break in things we watched a movie together and also made a piece of art together I enjoyed that alot,and on Sunday we finally got a very nice day and spent it as a family outing in old Charleston,It was beautiful and the old history stuff has long been a great interest to me we wandered through the streets and went to some very old graveyards on the church grounds of some beautiful and very old churches.I really wanted to be able to stop in and have a glass of wine and sample some of the local cuisine but we had the kids with us and we really ran out of time I guess.

The following week,the weather was a bit better about three days it was sunny and tolerable enough to go out of the house by around noon,they were having a party soon for their daughter and planned to have it outside and since they were both working so hard I tried to busy my days baking cookies in the mornings and raking in the yard to help out the best I could for them. It wasn’t much fun and my back and hands got a little sore but it at least gave me a sense of worth. And I enjoyed helping my friend it made me feel good to do something nice for her and her family.

Toward the middle to end of the week my friend began to become very agitated with me claiming I wasn’t engaging in conversation with her enough to please her I don’t know exactly what I was supposed to be saying but I do know that what I wasn’t saying seemed to have her pretty miffed,I did try to talk to her about how difficult it is for me being a Pre-op transwoman to find a man who could overlook that I wasn’t somehow complete,that part about being incomplete makes the whole thing take on a completely different beginning as a relationship the only men interested are ones who are seeking you out because you are incomplete and they don’t look at you as you see yourself but as some sexual deviant. She looks at herself as being well versed in the ways of transgenders and she is tolerant of others gender issues but she really still has a lot to learn anyway those conversations kind of got blown off and never went anywhere. I also tried to talk to her about a man who I have had a long internet relationship with someone she has never liked and she accused me of having webcam sex with him and said that was all our relationship was I have never done this with him or anyone else but she decided she was right and there was no changing her mind on the issue.

During all this my friend in Florida called and upset me with some very disturbing things he was doing down there,we are in a casual relationship with no intimacy but just the same I considered us more than just friends and was disturbed by his activity. This was near to the time we were to start back home,I vented my frustration about this to my girl friend who agreed he was being pretty disrespectful to me,when he arrived to pick me up she felt I should have jumped in his ass right away in front of her and her husband,and was angry that I didn’t,I pick my own places to have these fights and knew I had him as a captive audience for many hours on the trip home.

Some where between the time I left on Saturday night and Monday morning she cooked up a great hatred for me spewing and calling me some vile thing I’m still not sure what set this all in motion but when I said she was lying about me and called her a liar back she went into a tantrum like a two year old child and erased me from her life altogether,I know I’m not perfect for God’s sake but neither is she a true friend would surely try to work through any simple disagreement if they were indeed a true friend but I’m not even offered this benefit,I think some measure of human compassion could have been offered up here we were very close friends for a long time.

Needless to say my vacation was not as wonderful as I had hoped  and I lost my dear friend who I cared very deeply for,but I won’t become a cynic and not try friendship again.

It seems she and my other so called friend have conspired against me and want me out of their lives I regret their decision but really have no say in the matter,perhaps they will someday find out that when you judge someone else you don’t define them,you define yourself.

I doubt either of them has any forgiveness in their hearts however,and don’t expect to hear from either again. Even still I miss them.

Butterfly

New development

A couple of months ago I wrote a story about my “insomnia” and now wish to add some updated info on my story.

I had relayed to my doctor on more than one occasion that my lack of being able to get a good night’s sleep was affecting my life in lot’s adverse ways.We tried  first with a prescription of Ambien a widely prescribed sleep inducer which is habit forming something I didn’t feel comfortable with from the git go,especially with my past history of drug abuse years ago I know I am one of those persons who can easily become dependent on drugs,and or alcohol.It took my years of struggling to finally overcome those things and I have no desire to go back. As it turned out the Ambien left me feeling very drowsy and hung over in the mornings and I ask my doctor for something else that would be not habit forming and leave me with these side effects,on the advice of someone who was once my dear friend I ask for Trazodone,It offered me some mild relief and really had no bad side effects and I use it still today.Still though I wasn’t sleeping through the night like I should and this was effecting my daily routines and my relationships with others.

Being A transgendered woman on hormone therapy now for a little over two years I decided to go back to my research and see if there was something in all that which could unlock this sleep mystery for me.Turns out there was,and it was so simple I couldn’t believe it.For last couple of years I had been on the same routine of getting up having my breakfast and then taking my medicines as it is recommended to take most with food,and it seemed like everyday I shortly felt the urge to go back to sleep. I’ll explain I am one of a very few I think transwoman who have also added progesterone in the form of Prometrium to my regimen  because it helps greatly in the formation of breast tissue especially the nipples and areola,all research I was able to find showed adding it was to mimic the hormones of a teenage girl in puberty. Well low and behold when I looked it up to do more research I found out one of the side effects was that it caused drowsiness and should therefore be taken at bedtime,I began doing this along with my sleeping pill about ten days ago,and like magic I fall asleep in about ten minutes and sleep straight through till early morning.

So if any of you girls out there are using progesterone this may be a big help to you whether you are trans,or cis gendered.

Hope this helps someone like it helped me.

Butterfly

Balancing Angel

“How many angels can sit on the head of a pin?” In modern usage, this question also serves as a metaphor for wasting time debating topics of no practical value.

This is not the first nor likely the last time I will have touched on the subject of my own gender issues as they continue to form over time,and through personal experience.

It has been a very long long journey in life trying to understand just how all this transgender thing has come to effect my choices about how to live,and with what sex I would feel comfortable living with if that should happen.

I struggled almost all of my adult life thinking that the only logical sex I could be with was a woman,I also think that my fear of being who I truly was would be found out and that my sexual preference would be called into question based on who I had always been in the past,so I kept trying over and over to have relationships with women because that’s what I felt was dictated by my peers.Also my thoughts were still being guided by a very strong influence of Testosterone,something I think I had more of than most normal men,or at least I felt one hell of a drive from it for sure.

In and around the year 2002 by the choice of my late and last wife,who ended her life by suicide,in 2009 I stopped having sex at least with other people I still took care of my strong urges on my own,until about two plus years ago when I finally sought therapy and began Hormone Replacement Therapy once on these drugs my insatiable desires for sex finally calmed and to this day I don’t think a lot about it on a day-to-day basis,not that I don’t still think it should be  a healthy part of some future relationship in life.The fact is though that not thinking about it much is somewhat of a blessing since I have no one in my life presently.

I have however gone over and over what I think my true desire in a life partner will bring to life and how differently I feel about the gender I might choose going forward in my life. The Hormones have dramatically altered many of the ways I view things in life and will likely continue to evolve my thinking for sometime I would imagine.I feel so strongly now that I’m a woman, that I have desires to be with a man and know what it’s like to be loved in that very different way.I had very early in my teen years experienced men by virtue of being raped by pedophiles,and while I knew deep in heart all this was very wrong there was a point that I realized a part of me liked being treated like a girl sexually.Time and circumstances led me far away from this experience for nearly five decades now I have not known what it feels like to be with a man.Although those distant memories have been reawakened in me in recent times I hope that I can at some point choose to have this experience on my own rather than be forcibly taken like in that time.

While I no longer feel stigmatized  by my feelings about having a man I do have a lot of fears,and thoughts on how it will happen and if I can in fact satisfy a mans desires. I guess there are a lot of variables at play in with this such as the very special type of  man it takes to be interested and able to be with a pre-op transgender.While those are as rare as hens teeth they do exist,and I know one. I have gone over nearly every scenario  of what this encounter would be like and dreamed of it for what seems like endless eternity,It still frightens the heck out of me I guess every brand new experience in life does to a degree but this is a big one for me.I do have this feeling that at some point this is going to become a reality.

Still I feel all these hang ups that I likely shouldn’t feel some of which are the product of my Christian upbringing that keeps telling me there should be a commitment attached to this behavior,If it weren’t for these things I would likely have already had this experience come to pass in my life, and yet another part of me feels a strong desire to save myself for that one special person that he might have the benefit of knowing he is the first to experience me as a woman. Having not had relations now since 2002 and having some body parts I never had prior to the hormones does make feel like I’m a virgin in some respects going into this, if it does indeed ever happen. Until such a time I will have to balance my thoughts on the subject with my desires as a human being,it’s good to have dreams even if they never come true they offer a direction in which to aim.

Butterfly