Time Machine

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On Monday I received my papers from the court,Excited I opened them immediately only to find that they read like this…………….On Sept. 25th 2013 Petitioner    Joseph Michael Iles  appeared for Change of Name hearing,

Wherefore it is ordered that the petitioner’s petition for Name change Granted

and the petitioner’s name is hereby legally changed to Shelle Marie Iles   And then the signature of Judge Daniel

So ordered this 25th day of Sept. 2013

You can well Imagine my surprise to find out I had appeared  two months into the future.

Today I took my papers to the clerk and ask how could I have  miraculously achieved this feat?

To which she said honey we caught the mistake and have mailed you Amended paper work you should get it tomorrow.I smiled and said Not even Houdini could have done this,she laughed as she made me a copy of the amended papers.

Butterfly

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Dignity

It’s Friday my big day has come and gone and I reflect on all the beauty that has filled my life this past year,Daniel,He knows how much he made this a success in my life, and great encouragement from someone I have come to admire greatly,u586812528-o398092611-54Thanks you always gave me happy confirmation of who I was.

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You Cyrsti,You understand because you are there on the same journey with me,cropped-roxie-fox-0211 You Roxie who always have a kind word to say,539219_10150911709302504_1662937267_nMy darling niece who I was lucky to have enter my life.

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Sister and Her Hubby she has been my  best Advocate,I love you Sis. To these and many more you played such a role in my journey to become The Lady I have become.

On Thursday I appeared before the court in the matter of my name change,I made myself a wreck all week worrying about the details and a special outfit I had in mind to wear to the proceeding,As it turned out my skirt didn’t arrive in the mail and the shoes I looked for two days didn’t seem important at all after that,I stressed thinking that all my preparations were failing,but in the end selected a demure look from my closet and something that would work with those shoes I searched so hard for.Thinking that this was important and that it would matter in the grand prize I had longed for so long,when the reality was it had little to do with what happened on that morn.

I rushed to my Dr’s. Office early that morning to pick up a letter she wrote for me offering proof that I am indeed receiving the appropriate treatment for my transition, rushed back downtown to the courthouse to make my 9:00 am appearance.went to the magistrate’s office as ordered only to find that he was on vacation and my case had been moved upstairs to the circuit court in his absence.

So upstairs I went and found the circuit court I was few minutes early and my stomach was full of butterflies in anticipation of what was about to transpire.I had come armed with all my prior paperwork from the court letters ,from my therapist,and Dr. and my notarised statement from the news paper stating that my notices had indeed appeared on the three required  dates 30 days prior to my court date. I felt confident and yet still nervous having very little experience with this kind of proceeding.

A young Black and white couple with a small child in tow was first ahead of me the Judge a Mr. Daniels took care of their business and as they walked away from the bench he called them back and gave the child candy from a basket under his bench,seeing  this only let me know I was dealing with a very kind man. He called me next to the bench and swore me in them ask me what I guess are just routine questions like have you ever been convicted of a felony,of course I never have,then he looked over my papers and said everything appears to be in order,and I said I have letters from my medical professionals if you would like to see them your honor he looked up from the paperwork complimented me on how I looked and said,I really won’t need to see them I can look at you and see exactly why you are here doing this,So I’m granting your motion and we will get the paperwork out to you in about two days,I smiled at him and thanked him and as I walked away I had this great feeling thinking it’s done and I was treated with kindness and dignity,and that I was truly lucky to have had this wonderful man see my case.

So to the Circuit court of Tippecanoe county,in the state of Indiana I say many thanks for your kindness and dignified treatment of a frightened girl. Who is now legally ( Shelle Marie Iles)

Butterfly

Inside looking out

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This is  a big week  for me,one I have looked forward to but one I now seem to reflect very heavily on.On Thursday I will go before the Magistrate and give up permanently  my given birth name,and take on the name of the woman I have worked so hard to become.

And yet I sit here reflecting on whether I could have ever done this while my parents were living or would my fear of hurting them by this action have held me in the long limbo that was most of my life.It has never been in my nature to be hurtful to others if I could get out of it I would I hate the discomfort it brings to my heart.I’m sure even still that this move in my life will be viewed by some as a death of sorts but also a rebirth and for me the biggest gift I’ve ever given myself. Now after long embarrassing years I will be able to hand my ID and documents to someone and not wait for them to look at it and then look back at me with the WTF look,I hate that it’s completely embarrassing ,especially in today’s post- constitutional era where just boarding a form of public transportation can be trauma.

I now will have to face for the last time the hating eyes looking back at me as I bring forth the legal documents that Prove once and for all that I’m truly who I am Shelle Marie ,not that someone on my old ID that looks nothing like me and never will again. This is an irreversible move that will forever define the rest of my days,on this planet,I’m going to a new place a place where dreams really come true somewhere over the rainbow, My ruby slippers dawned I click my heals and away I fly on the new adventures of Shelle,finally that other person is gone from my life I know for some it will die very slowly,but when they can’t find that soul anymore after years it will cease to exist just as it has for me.

No simple process has this been,I had to post in three different weeks in the local news paper my intentions to be Shelle, now it’s the Social security,BMV,My birth certificate,and on and on till all is changed and all the fee’s paid.

Back as the week progresses,

Butterfly

Letter to my Son

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When we last spoke And i’m glad we did,I decided to confront My brother again about the cousin issue and feel I owe apologies as I now believe it was him who made this public. You indicated however that your mother is embarrassed by this decision in my life and ask if you were supposed to keep my secret. First she need not be embarrassed my life is of no concern to her as she kicked me out of it 30yrs. ago she should if anything feel vindicated in doing so. If she is indeed confronted by anyone she can easily say she doesn’t know anything and let it go as that.If though she feels compelled to discuss it please let her know I don’t mind one bit. I’m not in the least ashamed of who I am on the contrary I’m proud that I finally had the courage to be myself.Certainly no one need be compelled to think of my life as secret I think I have proved by my actions in the recent past that I’m trying as hard as I can to make people aware of my life choice,I really just consider it a condition that not everyone is aware of yet. So please going forward feel free to give honest answers to anyone who asks about me. As for those who find out and are so cowardly as to not confront me personally,that is their loss not mine. The people who choose to love me will have the same respect I have always given them and the same love I always gave them.Those who choose to Quote from Deuteronomy,and Leviticus, can go to hell. I have learned that happiness is about loving yourself first as well as respecting others.But I would be unfair to myself  if I didn’t have the strength to stand up and be myself in the face of all opposition,It nearly took my life on more than one occasion I will not walk that path again

It seems you can never escape hatred from the past.

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In gradual sequence I outed myself to my family,when it came to my son,I ask that he not share with his mother my situation as I know that such gossip could never remain long on her drunken Irish lips, yet he went against my wishes and made my life situation available to her. Since there have been a series of incidents that have proved I was right to not want her to be informed of my life.

She assured my son that she would let me inform my family on my terms,and not interfere  in my ability to do so.

We have been divorced over thirty years and she shouldn’t really be injected into any part of my life at this point in time,I have tried since I returned to my hometown After 28 years to have a cordial but standoffish relationship with her only not to disturb my Son’s peace.While struggling recently with whether I should attend the family reunion on my mother’s side of the family, I made the decision to not attend as this is their party and I feel it is wrong of me to crash their party and create a scene just to satiate my own needs.My real plan was to contact certain ones and arm them with my information and let it be assimilated into the family in hopes that those who cared would contact me further to try to understand my life.

Well so much for that,my son’s mother could not wait to reveal her gossip and outed me to one of them while drinking at a bar they both frequent.Now any further info by me will be tainted by her version of the events.

When you cross the lonely dessert it is nice to know that someone is ahead of you poisoning the wells in hopes you never complete the journey.

There was a time in my life when her actions would likely have driven me to violent behavior,but no more I understand that she is the deficient one not me and that her behavior is a defect in her personality and not in mine.

While it would have been nice to out myself on my own terms I can now only deal with whatever collateral damage she has created ahead of me, I’m am really prepared I guess because I knew from page 1 I would lose some of my family and gain with others. So it has been thus far and so it shall continue I expect.

Butterly