Just a chance & some confusion

I recently came across a product that claims to remove  hair permanently  after 5 weeks,I’m taking a chance that it might work I will update as the weeks progress,today was week one,of 5.

Next the confusion: I have been looking into Life Insurance , as a transgender it’s just plain confusing,because after many years on female hormones my body is less than male and less than female,yet when you need to choose a rate that applies to you there is no in between,I’m certain that no medical  statistics have been kept on the lives of people who have been using hormones for multiple years.

The cost difference between male and female is significant ,there is no in between,for folks like me,I took a long survey last year that I thought would by now shed some light on some of these issues but not a word yet

Hugzz Butterfly

Thoughts

I’m mostly silent on the political scene except with friends and family,but tonight I just feel a need to speak my piece about the bathroom issue .

 

until the State of North Carolina brought the issue to public view little had ever been mentioned about the bathroom issue,as for myself always presenting as a women ,I have for years used the ladies room without ever a bad experience.

Now however I feel concerned about my safety in doing so,

However let me speak to what I feel  is overreach by Obama in regards to the school bathroom order yes I feel what you do in your own stall is private and should be a non issue, the fact that pre-op transgenders should share shower rooms and lockers is not a good thing,I base this on my own thoughts as as teenager who still was exploring my own gender or failings of understanding it.

 

So let’s put the bathroom thing back as it always was without problems and have a common sense discussion about the shower and locker room thing.

 

Thanks Butterfly

How do we get to a place of mutual understanding?

I hate to keep going over an issue that really seems to get little coverage on transgender blogs but,when you have first hand experiences that affect you in personal ways it’s something worth mentioning.

What you say am I talking about? it’s the distance between the lgb and the T as much as anyone wants to say that we are somehow in locked arm on issues that concern us all it’s really just an illusion,with most Gay people and particular,those on the male end of the spectrum.

They really have about as much understanding of Transgender persons for the most part as Cis people do.While this isn’t true for all, it tends to be more than not.My peronal dealings with a great many of them,leaves me feeling that they are for the most part a very self centered group of people intrested in moving their own interests forward regardless of what is truly the civil rights movement of our time.

I don’t make these claims lightly  it’s the culmination of years of interaction with gay men,I don’t however find this to be true of  the lesbian community,guess it’s just a girl thing,can’t pin that down for sure,but they just seem more tolerant than their Male counterparts.

Most of you who have followed me for any length of time know that this has been an issue that has had a cumulative part of forming my way of thinking in regards to the LGB—-    T,experience .

Personally I find a gap that lacks very much respect in most of the male gay community  and those of us who are Transgender definitely the struggle is much different for lots of obvious reasons.

I don’t expect this gap t close anytime soon as the goals are far apart,in reality.

As for me I will try my best to close the gaps between all people regardless of their preferences in life.

But I often find some of the LGB   T community out of sync with the real goals of humanity at large.

thanks to all

Butterfly

Just a few things on my mind

Hello dwellers

I know it’s been a while since I was here to provocateur in  your world .

I have been busying myself with being stealth,and just living life as the person I am.

There are as usual things that keep stabbing me in life and so are hard to ignore.

  1. It seems the religious right who seem to have taken over an entire party of our politics in the U.S., I must say to them you don’t represent  how all conservatives feel,while I’m conservative in my beliefs that the Federal Government should get the hell out of our lives and stop creating new programs that never work ,with the thought they know better how to live my life than they do.
  2. Let’s just get back to basics  and realize that the Christianity does not own the political system and that “the rights rights of all people come from our maker and not specifically from their God but from the one and only deity. whom ever that may in the end be,we all have our ideas and ingrained,beliefs on this, and all should  given reverence regardless of what lives in our own hearts.Does Buddha or any other God have the answer ,I think not ,I happen to believe in the teachings of Jesus but there have been profits way before him,or are any wrong or do they all just compel us to be decent to one another as a sign of mature understanding?
  3. While I support the LGBT community as a whole I have to say through experience that  it’s more like this LGB    T.
  4. You can’t always assume that the gay community has your back as a Transgender person because it is just not so. Their political philosophy does not always align with mine and I might add with a vast majority of  the conscious world. They are mostly concerned with their own agenda,and have little if any understanding of what my life has undertaken over decades of misunderstanding.
  5. Being human and nothing less should be the goal of  the world,And that seems far off to me!

The sad and the real with a little humor

It is a sad time that I post this night,my stepdaughter has taken her life by suicide,she struggled for many years from depression and alcohol addiction

 

I am devastated by these developments tonight ,but thankful for my daughter Vicki Eastwood who survives by the grace of God, for her the pain must seem insurmountable,at this moment. For her I give my most precious love and warm comfort.

 

 

In other news: I came upon my 3rd Mammogram held by the women’s clinic @ St. Elizabeth women’s clinic.

 

This being my 3rd, mammogram I thought of it as simply routine,much to my surprise however it was less than ordinary.

 

As was the norm she had a battery of questions, before we began the procedure

firstly she ask how many pregnancies I had to which I answered none ,nextly she ask when I had my first period, to which I replied  I’m still waiting for that too. She gave gave me an odd look but didn’t skip a beat and continued right along with the questions.

The really good news is that no evidence of breast cancer was found,with the caveat that I have very dense breast tissue which makes reading the scans difficult.

Next day I had my bi-annual visit with my Oncologist who always gives me a thorough breast exam as well. She was pleased to note also that I had since April lost 23 pounds. The reason being that my general practitioner had prescribed a statin drug for my cholesterol . After extensive research I made an informed decision to not take this drug which multiple studies have proven to show that these drugs are dangerous and truly a scam which now includes 1 in every 4 Americans , I also have friends who have suffered the side effects,of these big pharma drugs, 1 who has developed alzheimer’s and 2 who got diabetes,as a direct result from going on statin drugs.That being said knowing my numbers were outside the the guide lines I made radical changes to my diet and got my numbers back in the normal range within 60 days. Mostly this has been a blessing in disguise for me as my being on HRT has come with some weight gain that I didn’t exactly want anyway. I had tried all the fad diets with no success,but this time I made a long term commitment to really take control of my diet it has paid many dividends some being more energy and the weight loss is a blessing as well.At first I missed some things but over time I lost my desire for them and really find my new way of eating to be most desirable .

Well not to harp on that issue too much ,I will move on to other subjects.

 

Also in my personal news I have two successive visits with my ” mental health person” ala the VA in an attempt to get my papers signed so I can change the gender marker on my ID they have let me know that when I see my GP on the 17th they will indeed sign the paper work. This leaves me with now going back to court to now change my marker on my birth certificate which could have been done when I went for my name change but no  one let me know that so now it will cost me close to another $200 to return to court for just this one thing that could have been done the first time.Can you say FRUSTRATING !!

 

All this being said my transition has been for the most part just lots of effort,and graced by the love of a very accepting and supportive family. To them I can’t begin to express my gratitude and thanks for their love in this difficult but very necessary part of my life.

See you all soon with more news

 

Butterfly

Falling Leaves and Family Love.

Well here we are deep in  the month of October out here on the prairie of the southern great lakes.WP_20151019_001 

The Gods paint their last picture as we near the winter  solstice, soon the tree’s will be bare as will all the fields that produced the plenty of another harvest in the life of this rare girl who continues to recollect the love of family and the security it brings to my reality.

On Yesterday I had the occasion to attend a remembrance service for my fathers wife of over 50 years.

 Mrs. Juanita {Bailiff] Iles

I will try in some short words to define how I thought of this grand lady,as I grew up in the home of my mother ,God Bless her she was always very bitter of my father and Juanita’s relationship and  I get a women scorned is not likely to forget the ones who wronged her. the circumstances were as I can collect not very pretty. I was very young at the time ,but the consequences did and do have an effect on my life. But this isn’t about me or my circumstances,it’s rather about my fathers wife and my extended experience of  motherhood.

This was a Lady of the finest degree,who came from very humble beginnings,on a poor farm in Western Indiana ,who grew up with a not so very great childhood ,and moved to my home town at the age of 16, I was not privy to any of this at the time of it’s happening as I was very young,she met my father and for reasons I may never know caused the eventual end to the marriage of my Mother and Father. Learning to love them in separate family circumstances was a bit confusing as I began to come of the age understanding, because I was beginning to understand by no means meant I had an adult understanding of  the situation,it only meant that I had to make decisions about my reality of the experience

Facts are facts I was as a teenager dealing with the hard reality of knowing  that something was very ascue in my own life.I had know Idea of how profound this was to my life back then as I only knew something was seriously not right with my mind and body.

Not sure if it really was the reason for being very rebellious ,or if it just came along with the lives of all teens,

I was about as confused in life as a butterfly that couldn’t escape my cocoon,at around that time in my life,my Mother and Stepfather confronted me about being adopted and losing the what I considered was my last and only ties to my birth father,who for all intents and purposes had been only a memory that came from brief encounters of visitation on  birthdays and whatever other times were suitable between the feuding parties.

All I can say is teen years are a collective fog that rarely lifts until you are in your late twenties,or later. which leads me to my first encounters,with my fathers wife, rebellion was my middle name around that time of life and rebell I did, I left my mother’s home to experience first hand my father’s life,truth is I was about the last thing my stepmother needed in her life about then and I was about the last thing I needed in my life too just then, that being said she welcomed me and my stupidity into her life without question,I saw almost immediately a woman that was as selfless as any I had ever met,in order to help raise the Children my father and she produced she gave very much of herself,taking on babysitting of other people’s children while they worked, to doing laundry and ironing for others, she never had a complaint,and always put my father and his children all of us first before herself, never a day you would ever go hungry around this lady no matter who you were .

She remains a lady of my highest regards and will live as a good memory to me,as she gave my father over 50 years of never ending  Love and Happiness To this I salute her a true soldier of life.

Along the way She and Father gave me a generous group of brothers and sisters ,they are all of great quality,with kind and generous hearts,on this occasion of the remembrance of their mother’s life is the first time any of them or their Mother’s family had ever met the lady I have become in recent history,not a single one treated me any different than ever ever and none failed to embrace me as the human being they grew up with.

I think for most girls(Ladies) of my age group and circumstance the fear of losing family and loved ones is our greatest source of anxiety in life,I have been so very fortunate to have the love of ALL my family still with me. I am truly Blessed,and grateful.

With a Happy Heart ,

I wish all Love and Happiness

Butterfly

Septembers saturday night post

transformationWell as I have spent sometime today finally updating my windows seven device to windows 10, I began to reflect on a time when I had no concept of the internet or the working’s of a PC.

I harkened back to when my Son first encouraged me to purchase a computer in the late 1990’s or early 2000’s,at the time it was a frightening and very strange thing to me, a foreign concept that I only feared because of my ignorance of something I had absolutely no knowledge of.

We assessed  what we thought my needs were at the time and he ordered and had sent to me a marvelous new thing that I   only looked at for a few days and then began assembling it per the instructions,once hooked up again I just looked at this electric monster afraid that if I turned it on I would somehow destroy it instantly.

Via phone conversations with my son I was finally convinced that I could in fact turn this behemoth on and not destroy it with my ignorance.

So forge ahead I did only to open up a grand new world of information that would eventually ,render knowledge that I wasn’t crazy and that there was an explanation to my condition.

I wasn’t nut’s or going out of my mind,I was gaining the knowledge I needed to heal a life long struggle I had no way of learning about it until this point.

And learn I did I must have and still do seek out understanding of my life ,the pain and the part’s I seemed to understand but not fully.

It eventually led me to seek the treatment I desperately needed to end my, in and out desires to end my life out of the total confusion my condition seemed to leave me in,at many junctures of life.It opened doors I would have never gone through without out this fabulous tool,I had now discovered.

And so with this and my very Happy new life I say to you all who have been beside in my journey ,God bless you all and many thanks for your undying love.

Back soon Butterfly

Across The Rubicon

1001093_603778943027149_578480952_n

As most of you know already,last year before our Family reunion I made the decision to no longer hide who I am from my people. This has resulted in the biggest and best turning point of my not so young life.

It has allowed me to forge better and stronger relationships with members of my family and their friends as well,without doubt it has lead to a relationship between my youngest sister and I that I  dreamed about but never thought would exist, we have grown so close and formed the most wonderful bond It’s like it was somehow destined to have happened.We have become inseparable friends. It makes me cry sometimes knowing how long I kept myself from the fruits of love my family had to offer.

As with most Like me in my age group we began our journey with very conflicting and confused views of our condition,and over time we confronted nearly every emotion and self doubt that anyone could conceive,most going through periods where we thought we could defeat the reality of what we are by as many methods as our twisted understanding could dream up,as with myself I went the whole gambit ,practicing  immersion therapy thinking if I could just do the most male things possible It would somehow go away or at least I would be invisible and no one would discover my socially abnormal lust to be what my brain kept telling me I was. 

Well as it turns out,after a few years now of consistent hormone therapy I threw caution to the wind in favor of living as the person who had been trapped by utter fear of discovery and just began reconstructing what I had left of my life as just me. A me even I wasn’t sure I really was after these long years of confusion and lack of understanding my true self.This round of things is much different than my previous temporary jawnts into womanhood this time I went in with a commitment  to never turn back again but always continue moving forward no matter how frightened or difficult it might get.

So many times in my life I built wardrobes of womens clothing only to lose my confidence,or out of fear of being discovered and having to face what I thought would be the true end of life.I purged so many wardrobes only to begin again within a few months this time I did a reverse purge and rid myself of every piece of male clothing I owned with the solid mindset that this time a permanent girl would appear and grow and keep growing and never again look in the rear view mirror.

This time I have truly crossed the Rubicon, for those who have no knowledge of the term briefly it was a river in Italy that was forbidden to be crossed by Armies,and Julius Caesar crossed it with his army it was a point of no return just as I have finally reached the point of no return in my transition,I have truly become something completely unique to all previous versions of myself,It has been so powerful a change that I’ve completely released my mind from all that seemed to clutter it with doubt about my true identity,I no longer even, but on rare occasions  think of being transgender I’m just Shelle.

Some new reality has set in on me I used to be very focused on every article and piece of information that had anything to do with being transgender that I just couldn’t get a grip on working hard on the individual I wanted so much to be.Truth is the best and most motivating thing I ever did was to trust my family with what I had been facing all my life,guess had I should have trusted in the fact that I came from pretty strong people who have known how to deal with diversity and personal struggle from the time our people landed on these shores from England. I guess that learning all I could about my condition was really a right of passage in most ways a trail to be traveled,to a destination that was far from sure in the beginning.Truth is I have gained more strength and clarity in life by reuniting with my loving family than I could ever have pictured in my mind,being able to look in eyes of the people you grew up loving all your life and feeling comfortable and loved is a priceless gift only they and God can bestow on you.

I know it’s been a bit since I last updated my journey but frankly real living has overcome me,I’ve been so engrossed in living that I really forgot to be concerned about the lost soul I once was. I don’t feel anything but normal these days,something I have never known in my life,there was always that heavy hand squeezing the life out of me.I guess being recognised as yourself and being comfortable there is pretty intoxicating to someone who really hasn’t known it in an entire lifetime.Feels kind of like I need to sprint toward the finish line as there are not many ticks of clock left in my life,like I must cram every wonderful moment of a finally happy life into the small place left to fill ,before leaving this new found peace. Relationships I once thought would be burning pieces of coal,have now turned into precious diamonds,and I’m blinded by the glitter so much that I’m just living free from all the burdens I once heaped upon myself.

Seems like Shelle has become the most normal person of my life,a girl that can be best friends with my sister,hang out with the girls go shopping and just hangout, there are so many new  things in my life I’m just drinking it all down with a very humbled heart.

Back real soon sorry for being away so long,

Butterfly

Biological differences in MTFs and cisgender males

Here is real proof that we exist,and did not choose our identity.

Liz - Day By Day

People continue to misunderstand that there are very real biological differences between the average cisgender male and male-to-female transsexuals. Below is an important image to understand that I extracted from Transgender Chicago: The New Health Frontier.

MTF_Brain_Scan_differences

The image above is the central nucleus of the bed nucleus of the stria terminalis (BSTc), in the thalamus. Note that heterosexual and homosexual males have nearly identical brain structures in that region. Note that biological females have very different structures in that region from those of the males. And finally note that MTF transsexuals have brain structures that are very close to the female’s and nothing at all like the male’s neurological structures.

There are numerous other studies that highlight the biological differences between MTFs and cisgender males. What this image and many other studies show is that, in the brain where our essential self lies, that MTFs truly are female, not male.

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Tales of a summer in a hopefull heart

cousin Jon's birthday

I know that some of you are frothing at the mouth ,wondering what happened after I left myself open in my letter to my cousin about the Family reunion.

I can assure everyone that the results were beyond anything I could ever have imagined.A little background might add some perspective to all of this,first I come from a very conservative Christian family from the bible belt in Indiana.Surely I’m the first to have suffered the wrath of being a Transgender in my family.”Being what I “am never changed  who I always was I still have my families Christian beliefs and my rugged frontier attitude in tact.All my life I struggled with how I could make the person inside of me match the person everyone else saw on the outside.

Firstly I know who I am and have always known,I was a girl,now however I have grown into a “Woman” yes I said woman and that is what I am and will be.

I had lots of help getting to where I  am today,and one of those people stands still behind me through thick and thin always at my side a wonderful man I met on a social site a few years ago I won’t have to say who he is he knows without my naming him.

Some time ago when I first began this project I began to have,some very loving and supportive followers, they all know who they are so no need to mention.I know their sincerity is real.

Along the way one of my favorite girl cousins discovered who I really was and encouraged me to out myself,inspite of the terror I felt in doing so, I followed her advice and came out to my immediate family,all went well and to my surprise I never lost the love of even one of them.In reality I gained new found love I never could have imagined.

Well as I still struggled to resolve who and what I was I made a decision that without the support and love of the people I loved and grew up with none of epiphanies that I made in life really had a basis in the reality. Ergo I made the decision to move on the invitation to my Family reunion by penning a letter to one of my closet of cousins,you all know how that turned out.

Well came that day when I would stand and face any and all who attended the reunion this year,I baked a huge Lasagna and headed out with my sister “Debra” trembling all the way not knowing what to expect.

Upon our arrival I went in and placed my dish next to all the others found the two musketeers,and proceeded to give them huge hugzz from the now Musketshe.

 Most of the crowd was already there when we arrived,as I looked around the room I saw so many that I loved and wondered how this might all turn out.

Before things got started my dear cousin Donny who I reached out to in my letter ask if I would like him to read the letter to al who were present I agreed that it should be done and he called to everyone please this is important and he then struggled through his tears to read it in front of everyone,I can’t really remember a more emotional set of moments that have ever taken place in my life as this all played out,my aunt Emmy who was my mothers next oldest sister spoke out and said who is this person and I raised my hand,she looked long and hard at me and asked who was I?I said I am your sister Pat’s oldest child,of course this gave away immediately who I was.While I felt the eyes upon me I didn’t feel any pain from it at all I suddenly realized that no more could who I was be hurtful to myself or anyone else it was now in the open and the responses  would come as they would, the first to come to me with a hug was one I would never would have expected It was my Cousin we all called “Cotton” he hugged me very tight and said I love you and I’m proud of you,sadly 4 days later he passed away and on July 21st I attended his funeral I am truly blessed to have received his hug and his love ,had I not chosen to attend this year I would have missed it,how truly sad that would have been,he was very close to my mother and now they are surely playing Euchre in heaven.

As I made my rounds that day not a single person had anything but positive words for me,without knowing it everyone of them that day changed my life forever,I went to the reunion a transgendered person and I left knowing I was the woman I always sought to be.I could finally relax and start a new life and be a member of the group I always belonged in.Soon I found myself being invited to events I had been previously missing,ie my cousin Jon’s birthday party.

 His Image here

cousin Jon's birthday

cousin Jon’s birthday

 Further I have now been Invited to my first ever baby shower,Wow never dreamed that one up.

I just feel like one of the girls now,and that was always my dream,I rarely even think of who I used to be I’m just busy being Shelle or Shell to most people,I live out my dream everyday. No matter where I go  everyone just say’s can I help you Mam,20090812_17 and now all the women in my family treat me like one of them,as we say here in the midwest I’m as happy as a pig in shit,and that’s the truth of it.

This person mentioned early on in the post holds my heart and will know who he is,don’t think I ever would have made it without him.u586812528-o398092611-54This lady has been my inspiration ,hope I can be as good a gal as she is,I’ll certainly try my very best.

Also hugzz and Kudo’s to this beautiful lady who always has inspired meyuzpd  I’m so lucky to have had the best of the best in my life and I will be eternally grateful for how I have been blessed in my journey it’s just now starting to  truly transition to what I hoped all along it would be now it’s LIFE not a dream I am WOMAN.