The sad and the real with a little humor

It is a sad time that I post this night,my stepdaughter has taken her life by suicide,she struggled for many years from depression and alcohol addiction

 

I am devastated by these developments tonight ,but thankful for my daughter Vicki Eastwood who survives by the grace of God, for her the pain must seem insurmountable,at this moment. For her I give my most precious love and warm comfort.

 

 

In other news: I came upon my 3rd Mammogram held by the women’s clinic @ St. Elizabeth women’s clinic.

 

This being my 3rd, mammogram I thought of it as simply routine,much to my surprise however it was less than ordinary.

 

As was the norm she had a battery of questions, before we began the procedure

firstly she ask how many pregnancies I had to which I answered none ,nextly she ask when I had my first period, to which I replied  I’m still waiting for that too. She gave gave me an odd look but didn’t skip a beat and continued right along with the questions.

The really good news is that no evidence of breast cancer was found,with the caveat that I have very dense breast tissue which makes reading the scans difficult.

Next day I had my bi-annual visit with my Oncologist who always gives me a thorough breast exam as well. She was pleased to note also that I had since April lost 23 pounds. The reason being that my general practitioner had prescribed a statin drug for my cholesterol . After extensive research I made an informed decision to not take this drug which multiple studies have proven to show that these drugs are dangerous and truly a scam which now includes 1 in every 4 Americans , I also have friends who have suffered the side effects,of these big pharma drugs, 1 who has developed alzheimer’s and 2 who got diabetes,as a direct result from going on statin drugs.That being said knowing my numbers were outside the the guide lines I made radical changes to my diet and got my numbers back in the normal range within 60 days. Mostly this has been a blessing in disguise for me as my being on HRT has come with some weight gain that I didn’t exactly want anyway. I had tried all the fad diets with no success,but this time I made a long term commitment to really take control of my diet it has paid many dividends some being more energy and the weight loss is a blessing as well.At first I missed some things but over time I lost my desire for them and really find my new way of eating to be most desirable .

Well not to harp on that issue too much ,I will move on to other subjects.

 

Also in my personal news I have two successive visits with my ” mental health person” ala the VA in an attempt to get my papers signed so I can change the gender marker on my ID they have let me know that when I see my GP on the 17th they will indeed sign the paper work. This leaves me with now going back to court to now change my marker on my birth certificate which could have been done when I went for my name change but no  one let me know that so now it will cost me close to another $200 to return to court for just this one thing that could have been done the first time.Can you say FRUSTRATING !!

 

All this being said my transition has been for the most part just lots of effort,and graced by the love of a very accepting and supportive family. To them I can’t begin to express my gratitude and thanks for their love in this difficult but very necessary part of my life.

See you all soon with more news

 

Butterfly

Falling Leaves and Family Love.

Well here we are deep in  the month of October out here on the prairie of the southern great lakes.WP_20151019_001 

The Gods paint their last picture as we near the winter  solstice, soon the tree’s will be bare as will all the fields that produced the plenty of another harvest in the life of this rare girl who continues to recollect the love of family and the security it brings to my reality.

On Yesterday I had the occasion to attend a remembrance service for my fathers wife of over 50 years.

 Mrs. Juanita {Bailiff] Iles

I will try in some short words to define how I thought of this grand lady,as I grew up in the home of my mother ,God Bless her she was always very bitter of my father and Juanita’s relationship and  I get a women scorned is not likely to forget the ones who wronged her. the circumstances were as I can collect not very pretty. I was very young at the time ,but the consequences did and do have an effect on my life. But this isn’t about me or my circumstances,it’s rather about my fathers wife and my extended experience of  motherhood.

This was a Lady of the finest degree,who came from very humble beginnings,on a poor farm in Western Indiana ,who grew up with a not so very great childhood ,and moved to my home town at the age of 16, I was not privy to any of this at the time of it’s happening as I was very young,she met my father and for reasons I may never know caused the eventual end to the marriage of my Mother and Father. Learning to love them in separate family circumstances was a bit confusing as I began to come of the age understanding, because I was beginning to understand by no means meant I had an adult understanding of  the situation,it only meant that I had to make decisions about my reality of the experience

Facts are facts I was as a teenager dealing with the hard reality of knowing  that something was very ascue in my own life.I had know Idea of how profound this was to my life back then as I only knew something was seriously not right with my mind and body.

Not sure if it really was the reason for being very rebellious ,or if it just came along with the lives of all teens,

I was about as confused in life as a butterfly that couldn’t escape my cocoon,at around that time in my life,my Mother and Stepfather confronted me about being adopted and losing the what I considered was my last and only ties to my birth father,who for all intents and purposes had been only a memory that came from brief encounters of visitation on  birthdays and whatever other times were suitable between the feuding parties.

All I can say is teen years are a collective fog that rarely lifts until you are in your late twenties,or later. which leads me to my first encounters,with my fathers wife, rebellion was my middle name around that time of life and rebell I did, I left my mother’s home to experience first hand my father’s life,truth is I was about the last thing my stepmother needed in her life about then and I was about the last thing I needed in my life too just then, that being said she welcomed me and my stupidity into her life without question,I saw almost immediately a woman that was as selfless as any I had ever met,in order to help raise the Children my father and she produced she gave very much of herself,taking on babysitting of other people’s children while they worked, to doing laundry and ironing for others, she never had a complaint,and always put my father and his children all of us first before herself, never a day you would ever go hungry around this lady no matter who you were .

She remains a lady of my highest regards and will live as a good memory to me,as she gave my father over 50 years of never ending  Love and Happiness To this I salute her a true soldier of life.

Along the way She and Father gave me a generous group of brothers and sisters ,they are all of great quality,with kind and generous hearts,on this occasion of the remembrance of their mother’s life is the first time any of them or their Mother’s family had ever met the lady I have become in recent history,not a single one treated me any different than ever ever and none failed to embrace me as the human being they grew up with.

I think for most girls(Ladies) of my age group and circumstance the fear of losing family and loved ones is our greatest source of anxiety in life,I have been so very fortunate to have the love of ALL my family still with me. I am truly Blessed,and grateful.

With a Happy Heart ,

I wish all Love and Happiness

Butterfly

Septembers saturday night post

transformationWell as I have spent sometime today finally updating my windows seven device to windows 10, I began to reflect on a time when I had no concept of the internet or the working’s of a PC.

I harkened back to when my Son first encouraged me to purchase a computer in the late 1990’s or early 2000’s,at the time it was a frightening and very strange thing to me, a foreign concept that I only feared because of my ignorance of something I had absolutely no knowledge of.

We assessed  what we thought my needs were at the time and he ordered and had sent to me a marvelous new thing that I   only looked at for a few days and then began assembling it per the instructions,once hooked up again I just looked at this electric monster afraid that if I turned it on I would somehow destroy it instantly.

Via phone conversations with my son I was finally convinced that I could in fact turn this behemoth on and not destroy it with my ignorance.

So forge ahead I did only to open up a grand new world of information that would eventually ,render knowledge that I wasn’t crazy and that there was an explanation to my condition.

I wasn’t nut’s or going out of my mind,I was gaining the knowledge I needed to heal a life long struggle I had no way of learning about it until this point.

And learn I did I must have and still do seek out understanding of my life ,the pain and the part’s I seemed to understand but not fully.

It eventually led me to seek the treatment I desperately needed to end my, in and out desires to end my life out of the total confusion my condition seemed to leave me in,at many junctures of life.It opened doors I would have never gone through without out this fabulous tool,I had now discovered.

And so with this and my very Happy new life I say to you all who have been beside in my journey ,God bless you all and many thanks for your undying love.

Back soon Butterfly

Across The Rubicon

1001093_603778943027149_578480952_n

As most of you know already,last year before our Family reunion I made the decision to no longer hide who I am from my people. This has resulted in the biggest and best turning point of my not so young life.

It has allowed me to forge better and stronger relationships with members of my family and their friends as well,without doubt it has lead to a relationship between my youngest sister and I that I  dreamed about but never thought would exist, we have grown so close and formed the most wonderful bond It’s like it was somehow destined to have happened.We have become inseparable friends. It makes me cry sometimes knowing how long I kept myself from the fruits of love my family had to offer.

As with most Like me in my age group we began our journey with very conflicting and confused views of our condition,and over time we confronted nearly every emotion and self doubt that anyone could conceive,most going through periods where we thought we could defeat the reality of what we are by as many methods as our twisted understanding could dream up,as with myself I went the whole gambit ,practicing  immersion therapy thinking if I could just do the most male things possible It would somehow go away or at least I would be invisible and no one would discover my socially abnormal lust to be what my brain kept telling me I was. 

Well as it turns out,after a few years now of consistent hormone therapy I threw caution to the wind in favor of living as the person who had been trapped by utter fear of discovery and just began reconstructing what I had left of my life as just me. A me even I wasn’t sure I really was after these long years of confusion and lack of understanding my true self.This round of things is much different than my previous temporary jawnts into womanhood this time I went in with a commitment  to never turn back again but always continue moving forward no matter how frightened or difficult it might get.

So many times in my life I built wardrobes of womens clothing only to lose my confidence,or out of fear of being discovered and having to face what I thought would be the true end of life.I purged so many wardrobes only to begin again within a few months this time I did a reverse purge and rid myself of every piece of male clothing I owned with the solid mindset that this time a permanent girl would appear and grow and keep growing and never again look in the rear view mirror.

This time I have truly crossed the Rubicon, for those who have no knowledge of the term briefly it was a river in Italy that was forbidden to be crossed by Armies,and Julius Caesar crossed it with his army it was a point of no return just as I have finally reached the point of no return in my transition,I have truly become something completely unique to all previous versions of myself,It has been so powerful a change that I’ve completely released my mind from all that seemed to clutter it with doubt about my true identity,I no longer even, but on rare occasions  think of being transgender I’m just Shelle.

Some new reality has set in on me I used to be very focused on every article and piece of information that had anything to do with being transgender that I just couldn’t get a grip on working hard on the individual I wanted so much to be.Truth is the best and most motivating thing I ever did was to trust my family with what I had been facing all my life,guess had I should have trusted in the fact that I came from pretty strong people who have known how to deal with diversity and personal struggle from the time our people landed on these shores from England. I guess that learning all I could about my condition was really a right of passage in most ways a trail to be traveled,to a destination that was far from sure in the beginning.Truth is I have gained more strength and clarity in life by reuniting with my loving family than I could ever have pictured in my mind,being able to look in eyes of the people you grew up loving all your life and feeling comfortable and loved is a priceless gift only they and God can bestow on you.

I know it’s been a bit since I last updated my journey but frankly real living has overcome me,I’ve been so engrossed in living that I really forgot to be concerned about the lost soul I once was. I don’t feel anything but normal these days,something I have never known in my life,there was always that heavy hand squeezing the life out of me.I guess being recognised as yourself and being comfortable there is pretty intoxicating to someone who really hasn’t known it in an entire lifetime.Feels kind of like I need to sprint toward the finish line as there are not many ticks of clock left in my life,like I must cram every wonderful moment of a finally happy life into the small place left to fill ,before leaving this new found peace. Relationships I once thought would be burning pieces of coal,have now turned into precious diamonds,and I’m blinded by the glitter so much that I’m just living free from all the burdens I once heaped upon myself.

Seems like Shelle has become the most normal person of my life,a girl that can be best friends with my sister,hang out with the girls go shopping and just hangout, there are so many new  things in my life I’m just drinking it all down with a very humbled heart.

Back real soon sorry for being away so long,

Butterfly

Biological differences in MTFs and cisgender males

Here is real proof that we exist,and did not choose our identity.

Liz - Day By Day

People continue to misunderstand that there are very real biological differences between the average cisgender male and male-to-female transsexuals. Below is an important image to understand that I extracted from Transgender Chicago: The New Health Frontier.

MTF_Brain_Scan_differences

The image above is the central nucleus of the bed nucleus of the stria terminalis (BSTc), in the thalamus. Note that heterosexual and homosexual males have nearly identical brain structures in that region. Note that biological females have very different structures in that region from those of the males. And finally note that MTF transsexuals have brain structures that are very close to the female’s and nothing at all like the male’s neurological structures.

There are numerous other studies that highlight the biological differences between MTFs and cisgender males. What this image and many other studies show is that, in the brain where our essential self lies, that MTFs truly are female, not male.

View original post 36 more words

Tales of a summer in a hopefull heart

cousin Jon's birthday

I know that some of you are frothing at the mouth ,wondering what happened after I left myself open in my letter to my cousin about the Family reunion.

I can assure everyone that the results were beyond anything I could ever have imagined.A little background might add some perspective to all of this,first I come from a very conservative Christian family from the bible belt in Indiana.Surely I’m the first to have suffered the wrath of being a Transgender in my family.”Being what I “am never changed  who I always was I still have my families Christian beliefs and my rugged frontier attitude in tact.All my life I struggled with how I could make the person inside of me match the person everyone else saw on the outside.

Firstly I know who I am and have always known,I was a girl,now however I have grown into a “Woman” yes I said woman and that is what I am and will be.

I had lots of help getting to where I  am today,and one of those people stands still behind me through thick and thin always at my side a wonderful man I met on a social site a few years ago I won’t have to say who he is he knows without my naming him.

Some time ago when I first began this project I began to have,some very loving and supportive followers, they all know who they are so no need to mention.I know their sincerity is real.

Along the way one of my favorite girl cousins discovered who I really was and encouraged me to out myself,inspite of the terror I felt in doing so, I followed her advice and came out to my immediate family,all went well and to my surprise I never lost the love of even one of them.In reality I gained new found love I never could have imagined.

Well as I still struggled to resolve who and what I was I made a decision that without the support and love of the people I loved and grew up with none of epiphanies that I made in life really had a basis in the reality. Ergo I made the decision to move on the invitation to my Family reunion by penning a letter to one of my closet of cousins,you all know how that turned out.

Well came that day when I would stand and face any and all who attended the reunion this year,I baked a huge Lasagna and headed out with my sister “Debra” trembling all the way not knowing what to expect.

Upon our arrival I went in and placed my dish next to all the others found the two musketeers,and proceeded to give them huge hugzz from the now Musketshe.

 Most of the crowd was already there when we arrived,as I looked around the room I saw so many that I loved and wondered how this might all turn out.

Before things got started my dear cousin Donny who I reached out to in my letter ask if I would like him to read the letter to al who were present I agreed that it should be done and he called to everyone please this is important and he then struggled through his tears to read it in front of everyone,I can’t really remember a more emotional set of moments that have ever taken place in my life as this all played out,my aunt Emmy who was my mothers next oldest sister spoke out and said who is this person and I raised my hand,she looked long and hard at me and asked who was I?I said I am your sister Pat’s oldest child,of course this gave away immediately who I was.While I felt the eyes upon me I didn’t feel any pain from it at all I suddenly realized that no more could who I was be hurtful to myself or anyone else it was now in the open and the responses  would come as they would, the first to come to me with a hug was one I would never would have expected It was my Cousin we all called “Cotton” he hugged me very tight and said I love you and I’m proud of you,sadly 4 days later he passed away and on July 21st I attended his funeral I am truly blessed to have received his hug and his love ,had I not chosen to attend this year I would have missed it,how truly sad that would have been,he was very close to my mother and now they are surely playing Euchre in heaven.

As I made my rounds that day not a single person had anything but positive words for me,without knowing it everyone of them that day changed my life forever,I went to the reunion a transgendered person and I left knowing I was the woman I always sought to be.I could finally relax and start a new life and be a member of the group I always belonged in.Soon I found myself being invited to events I had been previously missing,ie my cousin Jon’s birthday party.

 His Image here

cousin Jon's birthday

cousin Jon’s birthday

 Further I have now been Invited to my first ever baby shower,Wow never dreamed that one up.

I just feel like one of the girls now,and that was always my dream,I rarely even think of who I used to be I’m just busy being Shelle or Shell to most people,I live out my dream everyday. No matter where I go  everyone just say’s can I help you Mam,20090812_17 and now all the women in my family treat me like one of them,as we say here in the midwest I’m as happy as a pig in shit,and that’s the truth of it.

This person mentioned early on in the post holds my heart and will know who he is,don’t think I ever would have made it without him.u586812528-o398092611-54This lady has been my inspiration ,hope I can be as good a gal as she is,I’ll certainly try my very best.

Also hugzz and Kudo’s to this beautiful lady who always has inspired meyuzpd  I’m so lucky to have had the best of the best in my life and I will be eternally grateful for how I have been blessed in my journey it’s just now starting to  truly transition to what I hoped all along it would be now it’s LIFE not a dream I am WOMAN.

Summers end

1383118_10153385058355475_870397557_n  So summer comes to a close here on the plains,and Oh my what a wonderful one it has been .

I finally found my footing and grabbed all the bounty I could have ever desired,so much to say so much to share,Stay tuned as I turn the pages of my life over to you all.

 

Butterfly

530620_4705631517620_2004405740_n

 

Lot’s of news to report here from the Butterfly Den,

A couple of weeks ago I received my annual invitation to my family reunion I have not attended since I transitioned out of respect for the event and up till now only my immediate family know about me. this has been a source of great anxiety for me as I do love my family and still desire to be a part of their lives,but as always there is that gripping fear of being rejected by people I have loved all my life,so this year I made a decision to address this issue head on and penned a letter to my cousin who sends the invitations:

 

 

Dearest Donnie; received my invitation for the Medley family reunion and just as last year it gives me time to pause and ask myself what should I do.

It makes me sad that I can’t be a part of the lives I so dearly love in this world, I didn’t attend last year’s event out of respect for all of you who have loved me all my life it is not my wish to disrupt this wonderful event that my family has each year so I chose not to come in spite of the fact that my heart and soul wishes I could.

You see I have struggled with a genetic disorder all my life and have only in the past many years come to grips with it and finally sought  therapy and treatment, through  the VA, There is no way to say this easily I’m just going to say it and hope you will understand I’m a transgendered person, I tried all my life to understand and suppress this but it’s not something that goes away it happens before you are born and cannot be changed, as I grew up from an early age I knew I was a girl but it wasn’t well understood how this occurred back then.

In more recent times it has been studied and much is known about this now it has been a plague to my life for nearly 60 yrs. I just always wished I had been born normal and been able to live life like anyone else but that was not to be.

It was not until all my parents were gone that I made a choice to act on what my doctors had confirmed many years ago I suffer from gender dysphoria, it resulted in a lot of horrible things that hurt my life because I just couldn’t understand why I was this way, after years of therapy and finally making a conscious choice to have a more peaceful end to my life I have now for about five years undergone hormone replacement therapy and finally have found true happiness in my life.

This decision has of course alienated me from many who have loved me all my life as most don’t or won’t, try to and understand this phenomenon, my immediate family brothers sisters and my son never missed a beat and continue to love and support me in life, as well as some of my cousins I’m in hope that you will support my decision as well and understand this difficult road I have traveled for so long.

Please pass along my love to all who attend this year and feel free to share this letter in hopes that next year I can attend without being the focus of the event but just another Medley.

I have legally changed my name and now live as who I should always have been,

 

Your cousin Mike Iles now (Shelle Marie Iles)

 

Above is the letter  today I received this wonderful reply:

 

Mike, Sorry but you are still Mike to me, give me some time, Your letter was heartfelt and enlightening.  I personally can’t imagine what you have been going through for the past decades.  I am enclosing this response to Tim as well, why – I can’t remember very many childhood memories when either you or Tim were not a part of my life.  We were the “Three Musketeers”  Now that we are the “Two Musketeers and One Musketshe” is completely immaterial to me.  I can still remember some spankings that I got that were directly because of you or Tim.  I was usually the innocent one of the group……..Yea Right…….

 

I gave this letter to Mom, who lives with us last night and simply asked her to read it and give me her thoughts.  Her exact comments were as my thoughts almost exactly –  “ I can’t image what he has been going through over the past years. It is immaterial who he is, he/she is still a Medley.  He should come to the Reunion”.   This from a 93 year old who has seen it all.

 

I will definitely read the letter at the Reunion if you are not there.  If you decide to come (Please Do) I will still read the letter to the family.  It is important to you that this information is understood.  I can’t guarantee how everyone will respond (remember it is the Medley Family) but myself and Mom will great you with open arms.

 

Blood is still Blood and the older we get in years the better we understand that the ONLY thing that really matters is FAMILY, Friends and Health.  Everything else is superficial.

 

Tim, the letter was written in a Red Font and was had to scan, I hope you can read it, it is worth the read…

 

So, I am Still just Donny and Tim is still Tim.  Mike is now Shelle and I still Love you Man.  Or Woman, Shit now I am confused.

 

Hope to see you Sunday, Really……

 

Donny……

 

I replied and  agreed to attend this year,for me this a long anticipated moment in my life and still a very frightening thing as well,I expect I will lose some and some will continue to love me but this is a milestone I avoided for far too long and it will be a weight lifted off this heavily burdened heart I have lived with for so many years.

 

Butterfly

 

Updates to still here,and new news

1800385_708011542603888_322292854_n

The Person mentioned as hopeful from Craigslist,is now blocked from contacting me,after asking for a video chat and  then wanting me to disrobe for him.So much for that!!

 

In other news my platonic friend who is very much disturbed by the fact that I had a date with someone is  now actively trying to change  the parameters of our relationship,we have always had issues between us that prevented us from being in an intimate relationship and I told him as much as two years ago nothing could change that unless he was willing to seek therapy.On Thursday he had his first session with my therapist,I hope this will be helpful for him at least it says to me he cares more than he’s let on in the past,we will see what it brings to our future,I think some things at least for me are insurmountable,and that being friends may be as far as we can ever go,he gets kudos  however for at least addressing his own problems head on finally.

 

Finally I’m going to do something here I don’t usually do, I’m going to get a little political don’t usually but sometimes when things affect my own well being,I will speak out.I’m mostly at odds with the LGBT community I suppose with my political beliefs the vast majority of them are dyed in the wool Democrats or socialists who believe Obama is some sort of God who is their benefactor and walks in lock step with their every need.I am a Constitutionalist who believes strongly That we should have less government and that we should not live trillions of dollars beyond our means. I’m a senior citizen who has  been dependant on medicare for my health needs,beginning this year  my costs have skyrocketed Because of the huge cuts made to medicare by The ACA  and now upcoming on March 31 more cuts to health care providers that have medicare patients.As time goes on more and more gets cut from medicare to fund Medicaid under the ACA,I paid into the medicare program all of my adult life,and now it’s being compromised to fund a program that will help people who have never paid a dime and likely never will,I also paid into Social security all my life and now all you here is it’s a runaway program that’s breaking the country,Maybe if years ago they didn’t raid the fund and spend the monies on other things It might be more solvent today,no one ever says Welfare is running out of money as it continues to spiral out of control and is also being given to people who won’t or will never put a dime back into the system.But I digress my Oncologist informs me that new guidelines for medicare no longer will pay for Colonoscopies every two years but now every five years being a colon cancer survivor this doesn’t sit well with me,this is but a small sample of how my health is being compromised because of the ACA I have lost many such services and my costs are rising while I get less care,meanwhile the democrats hammer away at the theme that the republicans are pushing granny off the cliff,guess what not a single republican voted for the ACA,so who’s really pushing granny off the cliff.Finally I have had enough of the rising costs and diminished coverage,I took steps this past week to turn my health care over to the VA,not only can I now get a colonoscopy when I need one,but I have access to an ever-growing transgender service,they also showed me what poor quality my care is under medicare,I have been receiving blood pressure meds that are totally inappropriate for my condition, my doctor at the VA changed that immediately.I have now a new level of confidence about my health care. I predict that senior participation in the upcoming elections will remove hapless Harry Reid from his perch and our government might return to some level of normalcy.And maybe this lousy unread health care bill will be replaced with something that really helps people and restores medicare for the people who depend on it.

Butterfly

 

 

Still here

1922394_689293311127396_1446176856_n

Lot’s to tell,finally but reluctantly our long winter begins to release it’s icy grip on this part of the world.The grip began early and we have had temps running 30 to 40 degrees below normal since mid October for a  lady like me who can’t afford the luxury an auto it has been most burdensome,the combination of being trapped inside for what seems a lifetime now,and the effects of my hormones have added some unwanted pounds to my physic,it doesn’t help that I love to cook and comfort food abounds in Shelle’s abode in the winter months (I should mention I’m a good eater too and I often eat more than I should when I’m stressed) well enough said about that I obviously have some work to do when spring allows me to get out work off the winter pounds.

On Other fronts I have still been on my quest for my someone,things in that department  have moved slowly up till recently,when a couple of events have caused some serious changes in my life,I have a male friend now for about two years who has always just been a platonic friend with no kind of intimate attachment,just friends,we are very close but just not close enough to be in a relationship,so I thought. But recently I had the occasion to go out with a guy and that sent him over the edge it seems, he said he couldn’t stand the fact that I might become attached to someone else and then not have the time for him anymore,Does it sound like he is more attached to me than he lets on or is it just me? Yea me too! Well he has always kept me away from his family I guess he was ashamed to have them know who and what I am even though I’m just me everyday,all that has changed rather suddenly,and I’m now fully welcome in his life,even still he says he wants no committed relationship,well me being me I had to insist that I not be held hostage by his feelings and still be free to pursue my someone,he agrees with words but not actions he is visually upset at the prospect.

In recent days I had an answer to my Craigslist ad, first one in months at least the first that seemed real enough to warrant a good look,I  engaged and we began a dialog that soon left me scratching my head,he said to me please don’t let race become an issue for us,to which I quickly responded how could you ever seek out someone like me and even bring up that issue I have probably experienced more discrimination in my life than you ever did in yours.I was never raised to see color I deal with all on the”content of their character not the color of their skin” Hope something good comes of this but I have learned to be cautious with these persons.

Updates forthcoming,

Butterfly