Jihad

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Tonight I honored a commitment I made to a friend I thought had left my life,we were very close and shared much of the same pain in life,and had come to many decisions that I now feel are based on personal input that we looked at in a skewed view.She asked that I call and that we might renew our mutual desire to have the truly transgendered in the world have recognition and justice under the law.

We both have the noblest intentions on this and try to always pick our fights and present the truth as accurately as humanly possible.

During our discussion we both came to discuss a common problem  that we share, the need for our children to love us as the new persons we now represent .

This is a subject that has brought great distress to us both in our attempt to get what we feel we have paid for in life long sacrifice and suffering by having to lead lives that were not ours at all.

The true reality is we chose to live out a long lie to do what we had been taught to think was right in life.

We assumed that if we lived this long and painful life we were some how at the end of it owed some instant acceptance from our children because we raised them and they should have the good sense and knowledge we passed on to them in life surely they could not deny us what we felt we were owed by our long suffering.

Me being the pragmatic and very analytic type began to examine why I was unable to get  this desired result from my son. I kept going over and over the things he said to me during my constant jihad to gain what I thought was mine by some right of passage in the transgendered journey I began near the end of my life.

The one thing that kept coming up over and over in my head was this statement he made to me.

He said ” you lived your life making me believe for forty years that you were a mans man a hard living ass kicking  man who was more of a man than any other I had ever known and now you are telling me that was all a lie and that you were always a woman,I love you and I defend your right to be who you are but I can’t just wrap my head around it just like that”

The more I thought on it and as painful as it is to admit he is right,and I am wrong to continuously keep launching my transgendered jihad on him expecting that this forty year old lie could be changed miraculously in a few months.

I have come now to adopt the title to an old Beatles song… “.Let it be” no good can come from  me demanding something he is not ready to receive,and over and over putting myself in pain because my demands aren’t being met on my schedule.

The facts are this I spent countless hours instilling in him the right set of values,I now have to step away and let him use the life tools I taught him,he will make the right decision in the end,will it be in time for me to know while I’m living or will it come to me as a posthumous gift at my death. I don’t know the answer to this but I have a life to live now because like it or not I am Shelle and my happiness at this time in life is paramount. I have a lot of living to do and I’m gonna get er done.

Butterfly

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2 thoughts on “Jihad

  1. Good for you Shelle, I think you are on the right track, patience is going to be key with him. I commend your positive outlook and attitude, Let it be………………..

  2. So many of us become super-macho as we grow up in an attempt to hide our true selves from the world, especially when young and we do not really understand our own sexuality and are often frightened by the woman inside us. We try to suppress her and become outwardly more masculine. This in the end can come back to bite us as in the situation you have with your son. i fear the same for myself and my relationship with my own children, especially my two boys who have grown up looking up to me as a man’s man just in the same way yours would have looked up to you. In my case though, my children have all known for some time that i cross-dress and, in the words of my eldest boy tell me “no matter what, you are still my dad!” This gives me a little comfort but i am still unsure what their reaction would be if i were to transition fully and live as a woman. As much as i feel i want that, there remains this constant fear of losing my children. i admire you Shelle for having made the decision and for living with the difficult relationship with your son and for your positive attitude that what ever will be will be. i hope that i can find the same courage. As ever, your words are both inspiring and comforting.

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