How do we get to a place of mutual understanding?

I hate to keep going over an issue that really seems to get little coverage on transgender blogs but,when you have first hand experiences that affect you in personal ways it’s something worth mentioning.

What you say am I talking about? it’s the distance between the lgb and the T as much as anyone wants to say that we are somehow in locked arm on issues that concern us all it’s really just an illusion,with most Gay people and particular,those on the male end of the spectrum.

They really have about as much understanding of Transgender persons for the most part as Cis people do.While this isn’t true for all, it tends to be more than not.My peronal dealings with a great many of them,leaves me feeling that they are for the most part a very self centered group of people intrested in moving their own interests forward regardless of what is truly the civil rights movement of our time.

I don’t make these claims lightly  it’s the culmination of years of interaction with gay men,I don’t however find this to be true of  the lesbian community,guess it’s just a girl thing,can’t pin that down for sure,but they just seem more tolerant than their Male counterparts.

Most of you who have followed me for any length of time know that this has been an issue that has had a cumulative part of forming my way of thinking in regards to the LGB—-    T,experience .

Personally I find a gap that lacks very much respect in most of the male gay community  and those of us who are Transgender definitely the struggle is much different for lots of obvious reasons.

I don’t expect this gap t close anytime soon as the goals are far apart,in reality.

As for me I will try my best to close the gaps between all people regardless of their preferences in life.

But I often find some of the LGB   T community out of sync with the real goals of humanity at large.

thanks to all

Butterfly

Regret

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I try very hard to avoid issues that are very politically charged but this is one that has affected me personally and left scars on my life that will never go away.It happened not just to me but also to the mother of my son,God bless her for who she is.A part of my heart will always reside with her’s.This life story begins around 40 years ago,we were around ten months married and were just blessed with a son,not something we planned but something thrust on our lives,we had just married and on our first night together she conceived our son to be, most believed that this wasn’t true but we both know it’s very true, we were doubted by some as being not married when this happened I assure you we were she is a woman of great virtue and I stand up for that now just as always.

It was the early seventies and we were in the throes of  the times a young hippy couple  recently displaced from our home in the midwest to the ever so liberal place of our dreams, California everyone’s dream destination at the time, we were a true sign of the times dreamers looking for our dream and it seemed we had  it in our grasp at that moment.dennis-hopper-easy-rider-bird flip

We had recently left San Francisco and taken up residence in Ventura,circumstances left us living in a house on the side of a mountain it was a magical place beautiful and a place where our son would learn to crawl and eventually walk,it seemed at the time as parents we were also learning to walk.We had this image of Dennis Hopper hanging over my sons crib with an inscription below saying (Who says you can’t buy salvation )It made for a very funny encounter with some Jehovah’s Witness people who came to our door while our son was still very tiny,they ask to see the new-born and when they did they saw this and made a hasty retreat from our residence.

Back now to the substance of my life’s discomfort in all this,knowing that we could easily conceived and that our financial position at the time was at best shaky we took what we thought were the safest of all precautions ,my dear bride subjected herself to the use of a device called an IUD this proved to have terrible results for us, as we got pregnant again almost before we knew what was happening to us, our close friends at the time steered us to planned parenthood where we sought help with our new dilemma,we found that the device had grown into her female parts and was causing great harm to her and it would need to be removed ,but along with this we were coached by our friends and planned parenthood to make a decision that would leave us both with a pain that would never leave either of us,We opted to have our child aborted and for me to have a vasectomy so that she wouldn’t have anymore bad results with birth control  methods that might be harmful to her.I know it was a traumatic experience for her,and  hope she realizes it was for me as well,we were told it was probably a girl child something as a father at the time I would have loved to have in my life.And now there was little if any chance that I could ever have this chance again.I know we both hurt inside after our decision and we spoke of it never going forward but I know it lived on inside of us both.

 Now as my life wanes and I have become a woman myself I think I understand better the hurt she must have endured,not that it didn’t cause me much pain as well but I had a far different understanding of women’s issues  back then.I have come  over the years to be revolted by the number of human lives that are ended by planned parenthood they didn’t ever offer us planned parenthood they offered us the death of our child and never even once counseled us toward keeping the precious life we had made together. Now at this time of my life I can only hope to find a mate and hopefully have the chance to be a mother before I leave this earthly place,I was promised this in a relationship I had recently and it hurt me deeply that it was all just a lie.

Planned parenthood performs around 300,000 abortions a year all in the far left view that women should have autonomy over their bodies,is it really that or is it planned murder. They seem squeamish when it comes to executing life when it comes to the death penalty claiming it’s cruel and usual punishment,but it’s okay to target and kill by drone anytime at will,this selective vision of murder is very troubling to me, life is precious and yet the ones who are most for ending it are already born.

Butterfly

Soap box Shelle

soapbox_webOften I get inspired to speak out about issues that touch my life differently than others this is one of those times. Before I get real wound up I first want to say that no matter who we are what gender ,race, ethnicity or any other difference we all know that “THEY” and we all know who “THEY” are but never tell, have really screwed things up for “US”.

Firstly I wish to go on about an issue I have touched on before that being, LGBT  while the LGB persons have made great strides this past year toward equal rights and have gained the right to marry in many more states,the advances for “T” not so much. I know I’ll get grief for this but I don’t really like being grouped in with the LGB persons because our civil rights issues are vastly different from theirs. First off their group is very easy to join all you have to do is profess that you are one of them and bingo you are automatically embraced by the whole group.They are militant in nature but have permeated nearly every corner of our society these days and so their agenda is moving quickly into the mainstream of society hardly a soul  anymore blinks an eye at being any one of the LGB community.Joining my group the “T’s” is a much different matter however,first off you get grouped in with,Transvestite’s.Transexual’s,Crossdresser’s,Shemales and on and on you know the umbrella I myself belong only to one under this grouping Transgender.I have great disdain for some under my “Umbrella” and feel that a lot of them are an anchor stopping my civil rights from moving forward at a faster pace because some of them bring shame and degradation to who I am and further promote a bad image of my circumstance in life.First to officially join my group you must submit yourself to a therapist and be diagnosed and so marked by society rule before you can actually be “TREATED” for your disorder why isn’t my professing who I am enough just like the LGB people? And then the other differences begin to surface I can be jailed for using the bathroom of the gender I express,and God forbid if you go to jail you get to go in with the opposite gender that you express,I think you can see the problems we face that will never come up for  people in the LGB group this group however doesn’t have a disorder like me, how does all this promote any safety or happiness in my life I submit it doesn’t it just tramples further on my right to be human and live as who I am.

And then there are the sexuality issues something even I hadn’t really come to grips with before coming out and beginning HRT,It was one of the first questions my son ask me when I came out to him and at the time I had no answer I didn’t know I was too engulfed in transition to even give it any thought.I feel like Pre-Shelle used relationships with women to avoid having to deal with issues about my sexuality and it gave me a free pass to fit in without being detected as who I was.I think looking back I was very wrong and caused damage to a couple of very fine ladies in my life by attempting to hide my true self from them out of fear,I will likely beat myself up for this weakness of character for a long time.At any rate as time and Hormone therapy began it’s major changes in my noggin I began contemplating just what was my sexual orientation? I concluded that since I 100% identify as a women at least between the ears where true gender exists and that my deepest wish was to live as close to a normal cisgendered woman’s life as I could and that I really wanted a man in my life. I think to my son that meant I was gay,I disagree I think I just seek what seems to be the natural order of life for me I have little to no experience with men so I can’t make a full judgement as yet but I am on a quest to have one of my own someday. There in lays new issues that are far different than that of the LGB clan and the cisgendered people it takes a very special type of man to overlook what I am and have a normal relationship with me I have scoured the land seeking this in my new life but to little avail thus far it’s akin to having lighting strike you three times in the same spot in ten minutes time,sure there are willing participants for sex but this is not the only thing I seek I want a connection of the heart to go with the carnal pleasure.Well wish me luck peeps. Stepping down from the box for now.

Butterfly

The Grand Experiment

d51008826ad37b01065d90247035c5b1 After having little or no luck finding that special someone to make a life connection with, at the urging of an old friend I reluctantly placed an ad on Craigslist.

What ensued was no real eye opener when you advertise that you are a trans-person seeking a relationship you can be assured that every male pervert in the country will contact you seeking you know what.

In the 2 months my add was up and by the way( it was specific to say I was seeking a long term relationship )I had no less than 200 replies about 90% were married men wanting a little something on the side because their wife wasn’t all that anymore or wasn’t affording them the sex they thought they needed, and they wanted to try something new. The other ten percent were just guys who wanted to hook up.

I had in my ad I ask for a picture and an explanation as to why they wished to be with a girl like me,of course as with most sites men do not read they see a picture and it’s enough to get them going and damn anything else you had there to say.

While the pictures I had in mind would give me an Idea of what the person looked like and in most cases you can look into someone’s eyes and tell a lot about them from jump street.What I got However was enough pictures of Penis’s to write a porn magazine.Of course none of these responses were even answered. mixed in were some who were stealthy enough to just hide the fact that they were married in hopes of meeting up and getting their chance.

One of these who I corresponded with finally after I scolded him for being unfaithful  began a dialog with me based on the fact that his daughter was FTM transsexual we ended up being friends and still correspond today. Turned out to be a very nice man after I got to know him.

I won’t repeat many of the replies as it’s just plain ugly what men feel they have the right to say to you because you are transsexual.

All the bad stuff aside when I finally thought I had enough abuse at my own hand,and made a decision to take down my ad I received a reply from a man who had indeed read my ad and sent me a wonderful description of why he thought we might fit together,we began a dialog and  like some power from the spirit world was guiding us became almost instantly connected.

As our relationship continues to grow it seems to keep reinforcing the fact that we were meant to find each other and that forces from somewhere else are guiding this,I have fallen deeply in love with this wonderful man and the more we are together the more I know that I have indeed found the person I was destined to spend the rest of life with.

We have begun to make wedding plans and I don’t know  when I have ever been this happy in my life.

So what seemed a disaster at first has turned out to be my biggest blessing in life.

Butterfly

 

First experiences

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Yesterday I saw my oncologist for the first time since my transition began,I had seen her Nurse practitioner,On my last few visits partly because she has me alternate visits with herself and nurse Becky  in case of emergency there is always someone available who is familiar with my case.In particular the last few visits she was not available so I saw Becky and there was a time span when the state took my mediciad benefits away.and then I waited until my medicare came into effect before returning.

I have always been extremely happy with my doctor there she is a very caring person who always treats as you her only patient, plus she has her office covered with butterflies imagine me liking that! also the people in the office and Dr. are huggers so I always get hugs and feel special there.(My son hates going with me for that reason he is not a hugger and finds it not to his liking).

On yesterdays visit her nurses and staff got me ready to see her updated my medications and paper work as needed and informed I was no longer a male patient but a female one,so along with my usual examination we drifted into a conversation about my new journey in life,she ask some great questions and commented in the end that she was proud of my courage and thanked me for sharing my story with her,and said I was her only  transgender patient.

Now on to the first experience during my exam she also did a breast examination,she ordered some blood tests,and a mammogram,which I will get on the 24th of the month. I knew that at some point in time this was likely to come up as a part of my treatment,either by her or my General practitioner.Well this is certainly a true first in my life and likely a memory that will become indelible in my mind.

I’m a little scared by it all but at the same time I know all involved are professionals,I guess we are always a bit scared of the unknown but after Oct,24th It will no longer be an unknown to me.

I will update all on the experience then.

 

Butterfly

Imagine

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Imagine a woman who believes it is right and good she is a woman.
A woman who honors her experience and tells her stories.
Who refuses to carry the sins of others within her body and life.

Imagine a woman who trusts and respects herself.
A woman who listens to her needs and desires.
Who meets them with tenderness and grace.

Imagine a woman who acknowledges the past’s influence on the present.
A woman who has walked through her past.
Who has healed into the present.

Imagine a woman who authors her own life.
A woman who exerts, initiates, and moves on her own behalf.
Who refuses to surrender except to her truest self and wisest voice.

 

I try to live like this,

Butterfly

Okay say that Again it sounded like something I always wanted to hear.

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Today  I stopped by the Doctors office to make an appointment as I have been having some problems for a couple of weeks.

When I explained what was wrong she sent me to the hospital to get blood work and urine sample. I left her office and I went straight away as I have been a little worried because some of my symptoms reminded me of what was going on before my bout with cancer.

I went through registration which took a little while as I had to update my medical info after my name change and my medicare and insurance now have my new name and list me as female now.

Soon I was before the phlebotomist and she proceeded to draw three vials of blood (kudos) to her she’s the best I’ve had in sometime. then came time for the urine test,as she gave me my instructions I listened attentively as she said there are three moist towelettes in here and the sample bottle use the towelettes to wipe front to back start your stream and the put the bottle under it. Little did she realize I have no front to back yet and may never, but it was music to my girly senses.

I hope I hear this repeated to me for many  years to come it really put a smile on my face.

 

Stand by for weekend posts, I’m stocked up for more fun stuff.

 

Butterfly

Cis-Gender Connection

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Several days ago while reading a post on one of the blogs I really enjoy,another Trans-Lady set me to thinking,She eluded in her post about becoming a part of the Cis gendered world of women and her difficulty breaking into that realm. I began to examine my own issues on this subject and found that I’m really lacking this in my life,I have gone on now so focused on changing myself to a woman and yet I have for the most part boxed myself into identifying as mostly a transgendered girl. Somehow not noticing all along that my real objective was to be a “woman”. I took a hard look into my soul and found it very lacking in this.

Of course I have the women in my family who treat me no different than themselves and I feel most included by,but what about outside my family what are my connections to the world of womanhood,I guess outside of my late wife,who was really more than a marital partner she was my best girl friend and she looked at me the same I’m sure.In the time since her death I have really haven’t had much in the way of a girl friend than someone I met online, it was for me a wonderful friendship but alas when we met on a personal basis it just didn’t work out as we would have liked I guess. While I still think of her often  and think of her in dear terms it just didn’t’ work.

I met a nice woman on new years eve last year and brought in the new year with her,we exchanged information and said we would get together for coffee at a later date but it never really happened as I guess we never pushed the issue forward,perhaps I will try again to make contact with her. I really think it would be a good starting place for me to develop a friendship with a woman and become girlfriends I know surely I would learn a lot of things I am missing about womanhood,and I think it would not only enhance my life but add a lot more depth to who I want to be.

As my friend in her blog entry kind of said though, we as trans persons really do have obstacles in our way when it comes to being accepted into their fraternity,ie, when they find out who and what you are they seem to want little to do with you and this only leads me to the realization that I might never fit into the world I have so desperately wanted to be a part of all my life,How then does one’s psyche  process the fact that you might never fit into the world you belong in,only because of birth circumstance. I think this must truly be something most of us as trans women are faced with in life,how indeed will we ever reach acceptance into this very private club,when we are indeed discriminated against merely because of our birth circumstance? We are really faced with what seems insurmountable obstacles in our path to being what we would consider being “real women”.

Please offer thoughts on how we break down these barriers as a group and reach a comfortable spot in life with the Cis-gendered among us.

 

Butterfly

Weighing in

The latest buzz is about this “transgender” who made the change to female and supposedly had a change of heart and decided to return to being male when things didn’t suit him as he thought in the beginning. I follow many news feeds,and a lot of blogs that girls like me write and the reaction has been all over the place on the issue from just letting it be, to a cry for more professional support prior to any gentital surgery.

I have touched on these issues in the past and would like to reiterate that the strong desires of crossdressers of  the desirable benefits of looking like a girl can cause some to stray so far off the reservation the they don’t see the tee-pee anymore.when this occurs there is usually something bad associated with the end story.  From  the end of marriages to death in some cases if you meet the wrong character who thinks you are tricking him.

I’m not sure if more or better professional help will solve this problem as many people are dishonest even with their therapists about the true  feelings they are experiencing. They have a goal in mind and say whatever is needed to achieve their end.

So indeed how do we weed out the wheat from the chaff ,as for me this was not a decision I made ,it was made for me before my birth,and one I could no more change than the stripes of a tiger and this is the way of most every true transgender in the world. I have vested my entire life into becoming the person I am today there is no door behind me I wish to walk back through,only doors ahead of me I haven’t opened yet.

I have made permanent commitments that I can’t reverse in life and no matter what or how hard the road of my life is going forward I feel it is just another bump in my road to womanhood.

Butterfly

Time Machine

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On Monday I received my papers from the court,Excited I opened them immediately only to find that they read like this…………….On Sept. 25th 2013 Petitioner    Joseph Michael Iles  appeared for Change of Name hearing,

Wherefore it is ordered that the petitioner’s petition for Name change Granted

and the petitioner’s name is hereby legally changed to Shelle Marie Iles   And then the signature of Judge Daniel

So ordered this 25th day of Sept. 2013

You can well Imagine my surprise to find out I had appeared  two months into the future.

Today I took my papers to the clerk and ask how could I have  miraculously achieved this feat?

To which she said honey we caught the mistake and have mailed you Amended paper work you should get it tomorrow.I smiled and said Not even Houdini could have done this,she laughed as she made me a copy of the amended papers.

Butterfly