Just a few things on my mind

Hello dwellers

I know it’s been a while since I was here to provocateur in  your world .

I have been busying myself with being stealth,and just living life as the person I am.

There are as usual things that keep stabbing me in life and so are hard to ignore.

  1. It seems the religious right who seem to have taken over an entire party of our politics in the U.S., I must say to them you don’t represent  how all conservatives feel,while I’m conservative in my beliefs that the Federal Government should get the hell out of our lives and stop creating new programs that never work ,with the thought they know better how to live my life than they do.
  2. Let’s just get back to basics  and realize that the Christianity does not own the political system and that “the rights rights of all people come from our maker and not specifically from their God but from the one and only deity. whom ever that may in the end be,we all have our ideas and ingrained,beliefs on this, and all should  given reverence regardless of what lives in our own hearts.Does Buddha or any other God have the answer ,I think not ,I happen to believe in the teachings of Jesus but there have been profits way before him,or are any wrong or do they all just compel us to be decent to one another as a sign of mature understanding?
  3. While I support the LGBT community as a whole I have to say through experience that  it’s more like this LGB    T.
  4. You can’t always assume that the gay community has your back as a Transgender person because it is just not so. Their political philosophy does not always align with mine and I might add with a vast majority of  the conscious world. They are mostly concerned with their own agenda,and have little if any understanding of what my life has undertaken over decades of misunderstanding.
  5. Being human and nothing less should be the goal of  the world,And that seems far off to me!
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Still here

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Lot’s to tell,finally but reluctantly our long winter begins to release it’s icy grip on this part of the world.The grip began early and we have had temps running 30 to 40 degrees below normal since mid October for a  lady like me who can’t afford the luxury an auto it has been most burdensome,the combination of being trapped inside for what seems a lifetime now,and the effects of my hormones have added some unwanted pounds to my physic,it doesn’t help that I love to cook and comfort food abounds in Shelle’s abode in the winter months (I should mention I’m a good eater too and I often eat more than I should when I’m stressed) well enough said about that I obviously have some work to do when spring allows me to get out work off the winter pounds.

On Other fronts I have still been on my quest for my someone,things in that department  have moved slowly up till recently,when a couple of events have caused some serious changes in my life,I have a male friend now for about two years who has always just been a platonic friend with no kind of intimate attachment,just friends,we are very close but just not close enough to be in a relationship,so I thought. But recently I had the occasion to go out with a guy and that sent him over the edge it seems, he said he couldn’t stand the fact that I might become attached to someone else and then not have the time for him anymore,Does it sound like he is more attached to me than he lets on or is it just me? Yea me too! Well he has always kept me away from his family I guess he was ashamed to have them know who and what I am even though I’m just me everyday,all that has changed rather suddenly,and I’m now fully welcome in his life,even still he says he wants no committed relationship,well me being me I had to insist that I not be held hostage by his feelings and still be free to pursue my someone,he agrees with words but not actions he is visually upset at the prospect.

In recent days I had an answer to my Craigslist ad, first one in months at least the first that seemed real enough to warrant a good look,I  engaged and we began a dialog that soon left me scratching my head,he said to me please don’t let race become an issue for us,to which I quickly responded how could you ever seek out someone like me and even bring up that issue I have probably experienced more discrimination in my life than you ever did in yours.I was never raised to see color I deal with all on the”content of their character not the color of their skin” Hope something good comes of this but I have learned to be cautious with these persons.

Updates forthcoming,

Butterfly 

The Invisible Man

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While I have made no secret that it is my desire to enter into a life relationship with a man,I’m reminded by my dear friend Cyrsti that I have embarked on what will likely be a long difficult and maybe impossible journey.I’m sure you all remember my disastrous last  experience with Craigslist not knowing much about  posting a personal there I got a very good education into the way most men perceive girls like me,I know that  the image they in general see comes from viewing porn sites and dreaming of what could be. Few I wager have ever given any thought to what a true transgender is all about they rely on their very skewed image that comes from not the  greatest of sources on the subject. I learned early on that transgender dating sites are no place to look as I always end up with the same type I last encountered  with my first Craigslist debacle. When I ask that they send a picture I had no idea that I would end up viewing so many mens private parts. It was easy to know which head these fellows were thinking with, not saying I didn’t find it somewhat flattering that so many found me attractive enough to have those desires but it just isn’t me to seek out sexual encounters with  every Tom ,Dick and Harry, I’m looking for something more , a cerebral connection  that makes a connection with their heart, not just with what their heart makes throb if you know what I mean. I do want intimacy I’d be remiss to say otherwise but  I have the patience to wait for someone very special  to make an entrance to my life.I thought armed with some experience now with Craigslist I would try again with a much refined list of desires, I may find myself lonely for a great while if the past couple of weeks are any indication,I have however made a connection with a nice fellow interested in being friends and having honest conversations with me It’s a start and I at least have found someone I’m able to honestly share with if nothing else it renews my faith that there are men of decency in this world with the patience to listen. I may indeed end up some old spinster but not for lack of trying I assure you. I know it’s asking a great deal  of the world to have my path cross with a soul mate but I just can’t bring myself to think it is completely out of the realm of possibility. In all my years I never gave up on myself so I’m not giving up on humanity either,I feel in my heart that I have been preparing for this all my life and that it WILL come to me. Meanwhile I’m seeking the invisible man or least one of the rarest of men on the planet.

Butterfly

Soap box Shelle

soapbox_webOften I get inspired to speak out about issues that touch my life differently than others this is one of those times. Before I get real wound up I first want to say that no matter who we are what gender ,race, ethnicity or any other difference we all know that “THEY” and we all know who “THEY” are but never tell, have really screwed things up for “US”.

Firstly I wish to go on about an issue I have touched on before that being, LGBT  while the LGB persons have made great strides this past year toward equal rights and have gained the right to marry in many more states,the advances for “T” not so much. I know I’ll get grief for this but I don’t really like being grouped in with the LGB persons because our civil rights issues are vastly different from theirs. First off their group is very easy to join all you have to do is profess that you are one of them and bingo you are automatically embraced by the whole group.They are militant in nature but have permeated nearly every corner of our society these days and so their agenda is moving quickly into the mainstream of society hardly a soul  anymore blinks an eye at being any one of the LGB community.Joining my group the “T’s” is a much different matter however,first off you get grouped in with,Transvestite’s.Transexual’s,Crossdresser’s,Shemales and on and on you know the umbrella I myself belong only to one under this grouping Transgender.I have great disdain for some under my “Umbrella” and feel that a lot of them are an anchor stopping my civil rights from moving forward at a faster pace because some of them bring shame and degradation to who I am and further promote a bad image of my circumstance in life.First to officially join my group you must submit yourself to a therapist and be diagnosed and so marked by society rule before you can actually be “TREATED” for your disorder why isn’t my professing who I am enough just like the LGB people? And then the other differences begin to surface I can be jailed for using the bathroom of the gender I express,and God forbid if you go to jail you get to go in with the opposite gender that you express,I think you can see the problems we face that will never come up for  people in the LGB group this group however doesn’t have a disorder like me, how does all this promote any safety or happiness in my life I submit it doesn’t it just tramples further on my right to be human and live as who I am.

And then there are the sexuality issues something even I hadn’t really come to grips with before coming out and beginning HRT,It was one of the first questions my son ask me when I came out to him and at the time I had no answer I didn’t know I was too engulfed in transition to even give it any thought.I feel like Pre-Shelle used relationships with women to avoid having to deal with issues about my sexuality and it gave me a free pass to fit in without being detected as who I was.I think looking back I was very wrong and caused damage to a couple of very fine ladies in my life by attempting to hide my true self from them out of fear,I will likely beat myself up for this weakness of character for a long time.At any rate as time and Hormone therapy began it’s major changes in my noggin I began contemplating just what was my sexual orientation? I concluded that since I 100% identify as a women at least between the ears where true gender exists and that my deepest wish was to live as close to a normal cisgendered woman’s life as I could and that I really wanted a man in my life. I think to my son that meant I was gay,I disagree I think I just seek what seems to be the natural order of life for me I have little to no experience with men so I can’t make a full judgement as yet but I am on a quest to have one of my own someday. There in lays new issues that are far different than that of the LGB clan and the cisgendered people it takes a very special type of man to overlook what I am and have a normal relationship with me I have scoured the land seeking this in my new life but to little avail thus far it’s akin to having lighting strike you three times in the same spot in ten minutes time,sure there are willing participants for sex but this is not the only thing I seek I want a connection of the heart to go with the carnal pleasure.Well wish me luck peeps. Stepping down from the box for now.

Butterfly

Facing Reality and Moving On

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Well here we are a brand new year a clean slate to begin a new piece of life art,in that spirit I have to take a long hard look back and then turn back around and see if I’m not seeing things in my future which surely should be left in my past.Truth is I see things that I mistakenly let myself indulge in that just don’t have any foundation in reality I fooled myself into believing that I had somehow eclipsed some precipice and could just go forward thinking I had somehow left behind the reality of what I am and live a normal life as a woman the bare bones truth is I can’t while in my everyday life and dealings with most people I interact with it works like that,but certain of my relationships will never let that be anything near the truth I just have to face the fact that I am what I am and it will never change.I can never enter into a relationship with anyone man or woman ever in my life without this truth being  the focal point of the picture so I must learn to live with the fact that there will always be an asterisk beside the person I am and learn to move on from there and find the positive things that come from  my special God-given character.So I must realize that as I am a woman I’m a very unique kind of woman not one offered that gift by birth but one who took an inner strength that I was born with and turned it into a remarkable gift I can share with the world.Here in front of all of you is where I belong sharing with you my special life and my  failures and successes as I navigate this complicated journey that is  real and all me and all those like me instead of setting my sites on things that will never be I need to celebrate what is my reality and know that it is a gift to some and to me that goes far beyond my here and now understanding something that’s growing and continues to bloom in the springs of life.I’m obviously horrible at finding a relationship that bears the fruit of my life experiences but maybe that’s because I haven’t yet learned to present it in way that is palatable to the right person I’ll work on that,I was born full of passion and passion can be a great tool there are many kinds of it the kind that drives us to better and loftier things and a kind we can share in a very intimate way with someone or many others,all this is the real me and I will learn going forward to share it in the spirit God intended.

Butterfly

Years end Subjects and Life Updates

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Guess I’ll start with a painful story I’ve been putting off,because I’m humiliated and depressed about it,My recent plans to be married have vaporized as I was completely duped by someone perpetrating a scam on vulnerable persons like myself.I mostly have myself and my strong desire to share my life in a committed way with someone of like interest to blame.

That being said we have to realize that indicating our true identity as transgendered persons puts a strain on finding people who see us as just a normal person seeking a normal life ambition,as soon as we tell the truth about ourselves the parameters change and we are seen in a different light by many (not all I’m happy say). A second problem is also that the vast majority of men think with the head between their legs rather than the one on their shoulders,so finding one who is in the least cerebral is a crapshoot at best. While I myself would like to just forget the fact I’m a trans-person and live my life as just another woman it doesn’t seem likely that that that will ever happen when put into the context of a relationship because honesty is a basic premise to all successful relationships I feel it’s important to be upfront about my gender uniqueness from the very start of things,this however puts me in a more difficult spot than most cisgendered persons.

Going forward I have be ever mindful of my strengths and weaknesses in the area of the heart and know myself better that others will know me too,and know that these complications exist for me whether I want them or not. A new year is nearly upon us and a newer and improved Shelle will spring forth with it,we learn as we live but to not take chances means we just weren’t trying at all. Some famous sports guy once said you miss 100% of the shots you never take. I took one and missed horribly but I’m still in the game and still honing my skills.

Butterfly

On another subject that has been in the forefront of my thoughts and procrastinated for far too long now is dealing with the unfinished family outing of myself.I come from a huge midwestern farm family and while most are scattered across the country over time,I have not completed my coming out to all of them  I have too many but as with most of my life dealing with this subject is frightening at best but still I think important to my sanity.I have Aunts and uncles and cousins that have played significant roles in my life that  I have become estranged with over the course of time partly because I lived far away from the center of their lives for  many years and of course for personal reasons didn’t stay in contact with.In the summers we have family reunions out here in the heartland where as many of us are left and able get together over some good Hoosier  foods and fellowship and catch up with each other,this past summer I refrained from going not because I didn’t want to but because not everyone is aware of my choice to live as someone they have never met yet,and I felt like to just show up at their event would be very disruptive to their happy times I didn’t think being the focus of the event and having to explain  all day would be proper.There is also the looming issue of God forbid  funerals for many of the persons who are far up in years,being a no-show at these events seems very disrespectful to their families, but still certainly not a place to just show up as the new me,and create a scene. So In the coming new year I will set a task for myself to reach out to all I can in hopes of removing any missteps in my future dealings with any of them and possibly offering me a chance to once again be a participating member of my extended family circle.Certainly this is not a task I’m looking forward to but at the same time I feel like to continue to avoid getting it done shows a great character weakness in me that I don’t feel comfortable going forward with unchecked. Wish me luck as this will be undoubtedly a daunting pursuit,I realize much of it will likely have unpleasant results but I have never deluded myself into believing that keeping my sanity in life wouldn’t come without some alienation.     

Butterfly

Well the new year is almost upon us all and I want to say Thank You from the bottom of my Heart for all your kind words and supportive comments this year to all HAPPY NEW YEAR.

The Reverse Purge

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Throughout my life I from my early years as a child and right through to near present times I  collected feminine clothing articles and for most of my life secretly used them to satisfy my need to dress in what I knew was the appropriate way for my gender. As a child I would first borrow items from my sisters and finally my mother wear them and then carefully return them as stealthily as I could hoping never to be caught or have my secret revealed. Time went by and I began buying my own things and hiding them after dressing, these moments when I was able to slip away and be alone as my self helped over time to give me times when I felt  somewhat whole in my mystery world that no one knew of. It also began a cycle, one that many like me have experienced I would go in and out of periods where I felt I could purge these items from my life and live as what the rest of the world saw me as,but alas it never lasted long before I would begin to again start a new wardrobe and cycle would begin anew, this went on and on many times in my life until I finally made the commitment to let my secret out and live my life as Shelle,even then I found myself looking back  even going back living between the two lives a blurred line that kept me with one leg on each side of the fence.

But soon the Hormones began having a very strong influence on my thinking something I was really not expecting,I had for certain thought that some good physical changes would occur but had no idea of the mental changes that would take place.It seemed that all my thought patterns were becoming  more feminine and many things I was interested in most of my life were falling by the wayside and being replaced with other very powerfully driven female interests, things I dreamed about in life were becoming a reality no longer just hidden thoughts in the back of my mind.As this continued to manifest I began to realise that to have one leg on either side of the fence was not part of my end destination and that if I continued to enable myself to indulge in this I might again spend more time than necessary to achieve my goal of being a woman full time. And so began a new period in my life one I will call the ” reverse purge” I began a systematic program of ridding my life this time of all my male clothing articles,some I gave to friends who fit them and some went to Goodwill,until finally it was all gone and the thoughts of looking back finally faded with them,this purge seemed so right and I had no ill feeling like with my others that I would soon be wanting to replace it.I realised that I had released myself from that life and fully embraced who I had been seeking in this lifetime journey,It came with a lot more work everyday but work I should have been focussing on more anyway.

Finally I had crossed a barrier that moved me a long way down the road to my true self I found it one of the most liberating moves on my journey right up there with coming out to family and friends.transformationFreedom is not easy for anyone it always comes with sacrifice and hard work,but the prize itself is so sweet.

Butterfly

Guarded Acceptance

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I have spoken on other posts about being accepted by people but I’m still having problems with the level of acceptance I receive from my son  while he accepts me in private when others cannot find out it’s fine but in his words this is my reality and it shouldn’t affect him in his relationships with others.

It all makes my head want to explode,his stand on this prohibits us from having a “normal” relationship we can no longer go to a football game or basketball game together because we might be seen and questions may arise if someone who knows him or both of us would happen to see us.Noting that there may not be any such thing as a normal relationship with a transgender. I can no longer participate in holiday gatherings with them,because being who I am is far too controversial for these situations,essentially I’m just unable to be part of his life anymore.

While I understand he doesn’t wish to be taken out of his comfort zone for the likes of me I find it an untenable situation and don’t find this to be acceptance at all.

He doesn’t read these posts as he wishes to just keep thinking of me as I was in his youth,he won’t friend me on facebook as this too would move him from his comfort level,because people would ask questions,I do not live my life in hiding it is open to all who choose to face me he could easily just say please speak to her about this.

I can’t discuss with him the most intimate details of my life without him making an excuse to end the conversation,I have great things happening in my life now and can’t share them with him it’s most frustrating,he will likely be the last one to know I’m getting married and moving away to live with my husband.

I am at wits end with this whole thing,but will honor his wishes if he chooses not to participate in my life accept at arms length it is his choice,so I feel I will just move on without his blessing.

My happiness is at stake in this as well and he should realize I can’t give up my dreams and my life to make him comfortable always.

Rejected Butterfly

Why?

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I am repeatedly ask by people why did you wait so long to transition,I have ask myself the same question a thousand times,I can only guess that like most people like me I thought that if I practiced “immersion therapy” I could cure what seemed to be wrong in my life.I like most trans women of my age group thought that by immersing myself in in the hyper-masculine world I  would be somehow magically cured that it would rub off on my psyche and cure the fact that in reality I was a woman,But with little support and few coping skills the whole sharad only proved to be a complete failure and things just continually got worse all my life not better or less confusing but more and more the focus of my everyday thoughts.It wasn’t until around 17 years ago when I met my last wife and shared from the beginning who I was with her and she in turn was not only supportive but with her love and everyday help I began to feel emboldened and the fog I lived under began to clear I saw a more clear path to  the person I needed to become to finally have some sense of peace in my life and really begin to grow again.

This question of why is not easily answered even with my limited knowledge of who I really am I’m a work in progress and likely will be for the rest of my life,I think that is really true for all people not just those of us with gender Identity issues.Even still though the disconnect between one’s spirit and body leaves you feeling isolated,depressed and alone at best  but as you traverse this vast uncharted area that lays before you you do pick up new skills and learn as you go, that the journey to join your spirit and body is worth whatever hardships befall you.

I’m sure that for many who have never had to struggle with  identity issues  it is hard to understand WHY indeed we do this late in life, I guess my best answer is to free a soul incarcerated for years in a tomb of confusion.

Still finding your own freedom in life comes with very painful decisions about the lives you affect with your choice,only the very bravest of us ever escape the fear of hurting people we love with our quest to be whole people.

The WHY becomes more clear when you engage with us on an ongoing basis can I give a short answer that clears the air immediately no but I can live among you and answer with my life.

Butterfly