Years end Subjects and Life Updates

Guess I’ll start with a painful story I’ve been putting off,because I’m humiliated and depressed about it,My recent plans to be married have vaporized as I was completely duped by someone perpetrating a scam on vulnerable persons like myself.I mostly have myself and my strong desire to share my life in a committed way with someone of like interest to blame.

That being said we have to realize that indicating our true identity as transgendered persons puts a strain on finding people who see us as just a normal person seeking a normal life ambition,as soon as we tell the truth about ourselves the parameters change and we are seen in a different light by many (not all I’m happy say). A second problem is also that the vast majority of men think with the head between their legs rather than the one on their shoulders,so finding one who is in the least cerebral is a crapshoot at best. While I myself would like to just forget the fact I’m a trans-person and live my life as just another woman it doesn’t seem likely that that that will ever happen when put into the context of a relationship because honesty is a basic premise to all successful relationships I feel it’s important to be upfront about my gender uniqueness from the very start of things,this however puts me in a more difficult spot than most cisgendered persons.

Going forward I have be ever mindful of my strengths and weaknesses in the area of the heart and know myself better that others will know me too,and know that these complications exist for me whether I want them or not. A new year is nearly upon us and a newer and improved Shelle will spring forth with it,we learn as we live but to not take chances means we just weren’t trying at all. Some famous sports guy once said you miss 100% of the shots you never take. I took one and missed horribly but I’m still in the game and still honing my skills.

Butterfly

On another subject that has been in the forefront of my thoughts and procrastinated for far too long now is dealing with the unfinished family outing of myself.I come from a huge midwestern farm family and while most are scattered across the country over time,I have not completed my coming out to all of them  I have too many but as with most of my life dealing with this subject is frightening at best but still I think important to my sanity.I have Aunts and uncles and cousins that have played significant roles in my life that  I have become estranged with over the course of time partly because I lived far away from the center of their lives for  many years and of course for personal reasons didn’t stay in contact with.In the summers we have family reunions out here in the heartland where as many of us are left and able get together over some good Hoosier  foods and fellowship and catch up with each other,this past summer I refrained from going not because I didn’t want to but because not everyone is aware of my choice to live as someone they have never met yet,and I felt like to just show up at their event would be very disruptive to their happy times I didn’t think being the focus of the event and having to explain  all day would be proper.There is also the looming issue of God forbid  funerals for many of the persons who are far up in years,being a no-show at these events seems very disrespectful to their families, but still certainly not a place to just show up as the new me,and create a scene. So In the coming new year I will set a task for myself to reach out to all I can in hopes of removing any missteps in my future dealings with any of them and possibly offering me a chance to once again be a participating member of my extended family circle.Certainly this is not a task I’m looking forward to but at the same time I feel like to continue to avoid getting it done shows a great character weakness in me that I don’t feel comfortable going forward with unchecked. Wish me luck as this will be undoubtedly a daunting pursuit,I realize much of it will likely have unpleasant results but I have never deluded myself into believing that keeping my sanity in life wouldn’t come without some alienation.     

Butterfly

Well the new year is almost upon us all and I want to say Thank You from the bottom of my Heart for all your kind words and supportive comments this year to all HAPPY NEW YEAR.

The Reverse Purge

Throughout my life I from my early years as a child and right through to near present times I  collected feminine clothing articles and for most of my life secretly used them to satisfy my need to dress in what I knew was the appropriate way for my gender. As a child I would first borrow items from my sisters and finally my mother wear them and then carefully return them as stealthily as I could hoping never to be caught or have my secret revealed. Time went by and I began buying my own things and hiding them after dressing, these moments when I was able to slip away and be alone as my self helped over time to give me times when I felt  somewhat whole in my mystery world that no one knew of. It also began a cycle, one that many like me have experienced I would go in and out of periods where I felt I could purge these items from my life and live as what the rest of the world saw me as,but alas it never lasted long before I would begin to again start a new wardrobe and cycle would begin anew, this went on and on many times in my life until I finally made the commitment to let my secret out and live my life as Shelle,even then I found myself looking back  even going back living between the two lives a blurred line that kept me with one leg on each side of the fence.

But soon the Hormones began having a very strong influence on my thinking something I was really not expecting,I had for certain thought that some good physical changes would occur but had no idea of the mental changes that would take place.It seemed that all my thought patterns were becoming  more feminine and many things I was interested in most of my life were falling by the wayside and being replaced with other very powerfully driven female interests, things I dreamed about in life were becoming a reality no longer just hidden thoughts in the back of my mind.As this continued to manifest I began to realise that to have one leg on either side of the fence was not part of my end destination and that if I continued to enable myself to indulge in this I might again spend more time than necessary to achieve my goal of being a woman full time. And so began a new period in my life one I will call the ” reverse purge” I began a systematic program of ridding my life this time of all my male clothing articles,some I gave to friends who fit them and some went to Goodwill,until finally it was all gone and the thoughts of looking back finally faded with them,this purge seemed so right and I had no ill feeling like with my others that I would soon be wanting to replace it.I realised that I had released myself from that life and fully embraced who I had been seeking in this lifetime journey,It came with a lot more work everyday but work I should have been focussing on more anyway.

Finally I had crossed a barrier that moved me a long way down the road to my true self I found it one of the most liberating moves on my journey right up there with coming out to family and friends.Freedom is not easy for anyone it always comes with sacrifice and hard work,but the prize itself is so sweet.

Butterfly