Just a few things on my mind

Hello dwellers

I know it’s been a while since I was here to provocateur in  your world .

I have been busying myself with being stealth,and just living life as the person I am.

There are as usual things that keep stabbing me in life and so are hard to ignore.

  1. It seems the religious right who seem to have taken over an entire party of our politics in the U.S., I must say to them you don’t represent  how all conservatives feel,while I’m conservative in my beliefs that the Federal Government should get the hell out of our lives and stop creating new programs that never work ,with the thought they know better how to live my life than they do.
  2. Let’s just get back to basics  and realize that the Christianity does not own the political system and that “the rights rights of all people come from our maker and not specifically from their God but from the one and only deity. whom ever that may in the end be,we all have our ideas and ingrained,beliefs on this, and all should  given reverence regardless of what lives in our own hearts.Does Buddha or any other God have the answer ,I think not ,I happen to believe in the teachings of Jesus but there have been profits way before him,or are any wrong or do they all just compel us to be decent to one another as a sign of mature understanding?
  3. While I support the LGBT community as a whole I have to say through experience that  it’s more like this LGB    T.
  4. You can’t always assume that the gay community has your back as a Transgender person because it is just not so. Their political philosophy does not always align with mine and I might add with a vast majority of  the conscious world. They are mostly concerned with their own agenda,and have little if any understanding of what my life has undertaken over decades of misunderstanding.
  5. Being human and nothing less should be the goal of  the world,And that seems far off to me!
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Still here

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Lot’s to tell,finally but reluctantly our long winter begins to release it’s icy grip on this part of the world.The grip began early and we have had temps running 30 to 40 degrees below normal since mid October for a  lady like me who can’t afford the luxury an auto it has been most burdensome,the combination of being trapped inside for what seems a lifetime now,and the effects of my hormones have added some unwanted pounds to my physic,it doesn’t help that I love to cook and comfort food abounds in Shelle’s abode in the winter months (I should mention I’m a good eater too and I often eat more than I should when I’m stressed) well enough said about that I obviously have some work to do when spring allows me to get out work off the winter pounds.

On Other fronts I have still been on my quest for my someone,things in that department  have moved slowly up till recently,when a couple of events have caused some serious changes in my life,I have a male friend now for about two years who has always just been a platonic friend with no kind of intimate attachment,just friends,we are very close but just not close enough to be in a relationship,so I thought. But recently I had the occasion to go out with a guy and that sent him over the edge it seems, he said he couldn’t stand the fact that I might become attached to someone else and then not have the time for him anymore,Does it sound like he is more attached to me than he lets on or is it just me? Yea me too! Well he has always kept me away from his family I guess he was ashamed to have them know who and what I am even though I’m just me everyday,all that has changed rather suddenly,and I’m now fully welcome in his life,even still he says he wants no committed relationship,well me being me I had to insist that I not be held hostage by his feelings and still be free to pursue my someone,he agrees with words but not actions he is visually upset at the prospect.

In recent days I had an answer to my Craigslist ad, first one in months at least the first that seemed real enough to warrant a good look,I  engaged and we began a dialog that soon left me scratching my head,he said to me please don’t let race become an issue for us,to which I quickly responded how could you ever seek out someone like me and even bring up that issue I have probably experienced more discrimination in my life than you ever did in yours.I was never raised to see color I deal with all on the”content of their character not the color of their skin” Hope something good comes of this but I have learned to be cautious with these persons.

Updates forthcoming,

Butterfly 

Regret

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I try very hard to avoid issues that are very politically charged but this is one that has affected me personally and left scars on my life that will never go away.It happened not just to me but also to the mother of my son,God bless her for who she is.A part of my heart will always reside with her’s.This life story begins around 40 years ago,we were around ten months married and were just blessed with a son,not something we planned but something thrust on our lives,we had just married and on our first night together she conceived our son to be, most believed that this wasn’t true but we both know it’s very true, we were doubted by some as being not married when this happened I assure you we were she is a woman of great virtue and I stand up for that now just as always.

It was the early seventies and we were in the throes of  the times a young hippy couple  recently displaced from our home in the midwest to the ever so liberal place of our dreams, California everyone’s dream destination at the time, we were a true sign of the times dreamers looking for our dream and it seemed we had  it in our grasp at that moment.dennis-hopper-easy-rider-bird flip

We had recently left San Francisco and taken up residence in Ventura,circumstances left us living in a house on the side of a mountain it was a magical place beautiful and a place where our son would learn to crawl and eventually walk,it seemed at the time as parents we were also learning to walk.We had this image of Dennis Hopper hanging over my sons crib with an inscription below saying (Who says you can’t buy salvation )It made for a very funny encounter with some Jehovah’s Witness people who came to our door while our son was still very tiny,they ask to see the new-born and when they did they saw this and made a hasty retreat from our residence.

Back now to the substance of my life’s discomfort in all this,knowing that we could easily conceived and that our financial position at the time was at best shaky we took what we thought were the safest of all precautions ,my dear bride subjected herself to the use of a device called an IUD this proved to have terrible results for us, as we got pregnant again almost before we knew what was happening to us, our close friends at the time steered us to planned parenthood where we sought help with our new dilemma,we found that the device had grown into her female parts and was causing great harm to her and it would need to be removed ,but along with this we were coached by our friends and planned parenthood to make a decision that would leave us both with a pain that would never leave either of us,We opted to have our child aborted and for me to have a vasectomy so that she wouldn’t have anymore bad results with birth control  methods that might be harmful to her.I know it was a traumatic experience for her,and  hope she realizes it was for me as well,we were told it was probably a girl child something as a father at the time I would have loved to have in my life.And now there was little if any chance that I could ever have this chance again.I know we both hurt inside after our decision and we spoke of it never going forward but I know it lived on inside of us both.

 Now as my life wanes and I have become a woman myself I think I understand better the hurt she must have endured,not that it didn’t cause me much pain as well but I had a far different understanding of women’s issues  back then.I have come  over the years to be revolted by the number of human lives that are ended by planned parenthood they didn’t ever offer us planned parenthood they offered us the death of our child and never even once counseled us toward keeping the precious life we had made together. Now at this time of my life I can only hope to find a mate and hopefully have the chance to be a mother before I leave this earthly place,I was promised this in a relationship I had recently and it hurt me deeply that it was all just a lie.

Planned parenthood performs around 300,000 abortions a year all in the far left view that women should have autonomy over their bodies,is it really that or is it planned murder. They seem squeamish when it comes to executing life when it comes to the death penalty claiming it’s cruel and usual punishment,but it’s okay to target and kill by drone anytime at will,this selective vision of murder is very troubling to me, life is precious and yet the ones who are most for ending it are already born.

Butterfly

Dignity

It’s Friday my big day has come and gone and I reflect on all the beauty that has filled my life this past year,Daniel,He knows how much he made this a success in my life, and great encouragement from someone I have come to admire greatly,u586812528-o398092611-54Thanks you always gave me happy confirmation of who I was.

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You Cyrsti,You understand because you are there on the same journey with me,cropped-roxie-fox-0211 You Roxie who always have a kind word to say,539219_10150911709302504_1662937267_nMy darling niece who I was lucky to have enter my life.

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Sister and Her Hubby she has been my  best Advocate,I love you Sis. To these and many more you played such a role in my journey to become The Lady I have become.

On Thursday I appeared before the court in the matter of my name change,I made myself a wreck all week worrying about the details and a special outfit I had in mind to wear to the proceeding,As it turned out my skirt didn’t arrive in the mail and the shoes I looked for two days didn’t seem important at all after that,I stressed thinking that all my preparations were failing,but in the end selected a demure look from my closet and something that would work with those shoes I searched so hard for.Thinking that this was important and that it would matter in the grand prize I had longed for so long,when the reality was it had little to do with what happened on that morn.

I rushed to my Dr’s. Office early that morning to pick up a letter she wrote for me offering proof that I am indeed receiving the appropriate treatment for my transition, rushed back downtown to the courthouse to make my 9:00 am appearance.went to the magistrate’s office as ordered only to find that he was on vacation and my case had been moved upstairs to the circuit court in his absence.

So upstairs I went and found the circuit court I was few minutes early and my stomach was full of butterflies in anticipation of what was about to transpire.I had come armed with all my prior paperwork from the court letters ,from my therapist,and Dr. and my notarised statement from the news paper stating that my notices had indeed appeared on the three required  dates 30 days prior to my court date. I felt confident and yet still nervous having very little experience with this kind of proceeding.

A young Black and white couple with a small child in tow was first ahead of me the Judge a Mr. Daniels took care of their business and as they walked away from the bench he called them back and gave the child candy from a basket under his bench,seeing  this only let me know I was dealing with a very kind man. He called me next to the bench and swore me in them ask me what I guess are just routine questions like have you ever been convicted of a felony,of course I never have,then he looked over my papers and said everything appears to be in order,and I said I have letters from my medical professionals if you would like to see them your honor he looked up from the paperwork complimented me on how I looked and said,I really won’t need to see them I can look at you and see exactly why you are here doing this,So I’m granting your motion and we will get the paperwork out to you in about two days,I smiled at him and thanked him and as I walked away I had this great feeling thinking it’s done and I was treated with kindness and dignity,and that I was truly lucky to have had this wonderful man see my case.

So to the Circuit court of Tippecanoe county,in the state of Indiana I say many thanks for your kindness and dignified treatment of a frightened girl. Who is now legally ( Shelle Marie Iles)

Butterfly

Letter to my Son

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When we last spoke And i’m glad we did,I decided to confront My brother again about the cousin issue and feel I owe apologies as I now believe it was him who made this public. You indicated however that your mother is embarrassed by this decision in my life and ask if you were supposed to keep my secret. First she need not be embarrassed my life is of no concern to her as she kicked me out of it 30yrs. ago she should if anything feel vindicated in doing so. If she is indeed confronted by anyone she can easily say she doesn’t know anything and let it go as that.If though she feels compelled to discuss it please let her know I don’t mind one bit. I’m not in the least ashamed of who I am on the contrary I’m proud that I finally had the courage to be myself.Certainly no one need be compelled to think of my life as secret I think I have proved by my actions in the recent past that I’m trying as hard as I can to make people aware of my life choice,I really just consider it a condition that not everyone is aware of yet. So please going forward feel free to give honest answers to anyone who asks about me. As for those who find out and are so cowardly as to not confront me personally,that is their loss not mine. The people who choose to love me will have the same respect I have always given them and the same love I always gave them.Those who choose to Quote from Deuteronomy,and Leviticus, can go to hell. I have learned that happiness is about loving yourself first as well as respecting others.But I would be unfair to myself  if I didn’t have the strength to stand up and be myself in the face of all opposition,It nearly took my life on more than one occasion I will not walk that path again

Jihad

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Tonight I honored a commitment I made to a friend I thought had left my life,we were very close and shared much of the same pain in life,and had come to many decisions that I now feel are based on personal input that we looked at in a skewed view.She asked that I call and that we might renew our mutual desire to have the truly transgendered in the world have recognition and justice under the law.

We both have the noblest intentions on this and try to always pick our fights and present the truth as accurately as humanly possible.

During our discussion we both came to discuss a common problem  that we share, the need for our children to love us as the new persons we now represent .

This is a subject that has brought great distress to us both in our attempt to get what we feel we have paid for in life long sacrifice and suffering by having to lead lives that were not ours at all.

The true reality is we chose to live out a long lie to do what we had been taught to think was right in life.

We assumed that if we lived this long and painful life we were some how at the end of it owed some instant acceptance from our children because we raised them and they should have the good sense and knowledge we passed on to them in life surely they could not deny us what we felt we were owed by our long suffering.

Me being the pragmatic and very analytic type began to examine why I was unable to get  this desired result from my son. I kept going over and over the things he said to me during my constant jihad to gain what I thought was mine by some right of passage in the transgendered journey I began near the end of my life.

The one thing that kept coming up over and over in my head was this statement he made to me.

He said ” you lived your life making me believe for forty years that you were a mans man a hard living ass kicking  man who was more of a man than any other I had ever known and now you are telling me that was all a lie and that you were always a woman,I love you and I defend your right to be who you are but I can’t just wrap my head around it just like that”

The more I thought on it and as painful as it is to admit he is right,and I am wrong to continuously keep launching my transgendered jihad on him expecting that this forty year old lie could be changed miraculously in a few months.

I have come now to adopt the title to an old Beatles song… “.Let it be” no good can come from  me demanding something he is not ready to receive,and over and over putting myself in pain because my demands aren’t being met on my schedule.

The facts are this I spent countless hours instilling in him the right set of values,I now have to step away and let him use the life tools I taught him,he will make the right decision in the end,will it be in time for me to know while I’m living or will it come to me as a posthumous gift at my death. I don’t know the answer to this but I have a life to live now because like it or not I am Shelle and my happiness at this time in life is paramount. I have a lot of living to do and I’m gonna get er done.

Butterfly

2012 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The new Boeing 787 Dreamliner can carry about 250 passengers. This blog was viewed about 1,400 times in 2012. If it were a Dreamliner, it would take about 6 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

When petty predjudice’s exist from within.

In a recent post I pointed out how MY life was effected in a different way than some of the other people in the Transgendered community,and made a statement as to MY desires in life.

And because I somehow have different aspirations than the rest of the I’m happy to keep my penis group I was promptly put in my place,like I had no right to have my own dreams in life and that I had no Idea of how to be a woman unless I could secure a vagina.

For the record I have lived my life as a woman in a very respectful way and I’m very pleased with the woman I am,and have the complete backing of my friends and family.

I have never sought to have my genitals match my thoughts so I could have a new TOY,I simply sought normalcy in my life,and a chance to forget the fact I was born in the wrong body.

These are the words of my therapist regarding my many sessions with him;

To whom it may concern:

Shelle participated in a mental health and substance abuse assessment.She has a diagnosis of Gender Identity Disorder as evidenced by wanting to be a woman since the age of five and associating with playmates of the opposite sex,dressing and living as a woman for years,feeling that she is female,and feeling that sexual reassignment surgery will improve the overall quality of her life. She does not meet the criteria for any other mental health diagnoses.

My dear friend however felt compelled to offer these comments about me;

I feel compelled to comment here Shelle, because I’m indeed one of the “sisters” who does not feel compelled to go through SRS at this time.
I’m sure you didn’t want your post to sound so negative towards us.
But…does a vagina alone signify a “real woman”? Perhaps you have lost track of the concept of gender between the ears and sex between the legs. Does a female become a “real woman” when she has sex with a man as you so crave?

One of the true tragic divides in our trans community is when TS’s go through SRS and then in their best impression of a male ego trip to try to hold it up to the rest of us like a new car they bought years ago. Hey look what I bought for 30 grand!!!! I guess you can’t call it “penis envy” right?
I mean really, how does anyone have the right to say how another thinks. Unless you have spent your life in a cave, haven’t we all met women who were more male than guys and vice versus.

And so it goes. It seems the rad fems and the rad TS’s want to line up with the religious right and desperately hang on to the archaic idea that a vagina alone (or a penis) defines a person. But then again I know most all TS’s don’t understand and even resent the fact that I have been able to lead an increasing fulfilling feminine life while they sit at home with their new toy.

Believe me I know and feel your pain but I do get a little upset when a person tries to define my gender because of my sex.

I’m not putting myself up on some pedestal…I’m so fortunate I have found a very great circle of friends who accept me unconditionally as a woman…none of whom are male or even trans. Let me repeat I’m snubbed by every TS I’ve contacted because I dare to live my life the way I do. I do meet guys on occasion but like many other genetic women, finding the basics of intelligence, sense of humor, interests in a single man is rare..let alone the absence of the big “V”. It’s their loss not mine.

Like I said, I don’t really think you meant to sound like you did. Believe me, I have thought out the whole SRS process and if I wasn’t my age and I did have an extra 30 grand hanging around would I do it? Since I’m having the time of my life now…kind of doubt it…

In the meantime, just keep finding ways to explore your femininity in your mind…not your sex organ.
Hugzz
Cyrst

While there are good points in some of what she says I don’t think I need to be lectured about how to live my life. When these type of predjudice’s exist within our own community how can we ever hope to get the rest of the world to believe  what we say.

I made no disparaging comments to how others live their lives,and I owe no one an explanation as to why I am who I am.

I don’t by the way have the resources to make my life dreams come true,so I live my life much the same as the rest of you and I’m just as much a woman  as any other woman.

 

And for the record I still love and respect my dear friend Crysti.

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