Cis-Gender Connection

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Several days ago while reading a post on one of the blogs I really enjoy,another Trans-Lady set me to thinking,She eluded in her post about becoming a part of the Cis gendered world of women and her difficulty breaking into that realm. I began to examine my own issues on this subject and found that I’m really lacking this in my life,I have gone on now so focused on changing myself to a woman and yet I have for the most part boxed myself into identifying as mostly a transgendered girl. Somehow not noticing all along that my real objective was to be a “woman”. I took a hard look into my soul and found it very lacking in this.

Of course I have the women in my family who treat me no different than themselves and I feel most included by,but what about outside my family what are my connections to the world of womanhood,I guess outside of my late wife,who was really more than a marital partner she was my best girl friend and she looked at me the same I’m sure.In the time since her death I have really haven’t had much in the way of a girl friend than someone I met online, it was for me a wonderful friendship but alas when we met on a personal basis it just didn’t work out as we would have liked I guess. While I still think of her often  and think of her in dear terms it just didn’t’ work.

I met a nice woman on new years eve last year and brought in the new year with her,we exchanged information and said we would get together for coffee at a later date but it never really happened as I guess we never pushed the issue forward,perhaps I will try again to make contact with her. I really think it would be a good starting place for me to develop a friendship with a woman and become girlfriends I know surely I would learn a lot of things I am missing about womanhood,and I think it would not only enhance my life but add a lot more depth to who I want to be.

As my friend in her blog entry kind of said though, we as trans persons really do have obstacles in our way when it comes to being accepted into their fraternity,ie, when they find out who and what you are they seem to want little to do with you and this only leads me to the realization that I might never fit into the world I have so desperately wanted to be a part of all my life,How then does one’s psyche  process the fact that you might never fit into the world you belong in,only because of birth circumstance. I think this must truly be something most of us as trans women are faced with in life,how indeed will we ever reach acceptance into this very private club,when we are indeed discriminated against merely because of our birth circumstance? We are really faced with what seems insurmountable obstacles in our path to being what we would consider being “real women”.

Please offer thoughts on how we break down these barriers as a group and reach a comfortable spot in life with the Cis-gendered among us.

 

Butterfly

Some thoughts about LOVE

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We as Americans tend to romanticize  about love more than most cultures probably because of the way we grew up seeing it so glorified in the great movies of old and partly because it has permeated our culture by means of music and the influence of our biblical culture. we are somehow expected to fit into this lest we be judged as somehow deficient in the world.

Admittedly it has some powerful effect on how we see ourselves in the eyes of the world,or how the world see’s us back.

But the real truth is we so often get it soooooooooooooooooooooo wrong that our society has tended to get way out of whack nowadays. The rate of divorce being now over 50% it’s hard to perceive that we could possibly think we know a thing about the subject anymore or are at least very poor examples to go by. In the days of our elders it was revered as something so sacred that no matter what ,it was a glue that kept kept two people in tune with reality and family and and a place where your heart could always be safe.

Not so in todays world it holds no real gift of longevity it becomes some whim that can be tossed aside for pleasures that fill our immediate needs and pleasures in life, when the real truth is it our deepest desire to leap into the unknown  a place where we can’t take our ego  with us and make it succeed. No matter if we follow a religious belief we do have to adhere to something spiritual to make it a reality,and something that will last. I have chased this elusive dream for decades hoping against all that I am, that I would stick my finger through the brass ring and find that I was indeed the princess  kissed by the frog into eternal love. but alas I think it must have permanently eluded my life, I continue I guess to be the hopeless romantic thinking I still have a chance to find the person who will hold my hand in my final hour and know this thing we call true love.

Weighing in

The latest buzz is about this “transgender” who made the change to female and supposedly had a change of heart and decided to return to being male when things didn’t suit him as he thought in the beginning. I follow many news feeds,and a lot of blogs that girls like me write and the reaction has been all over the place on the issue from just letting it be, to a cry for more professional support prior to any gentital surgery.

I have touched on these issues in the past and would like to reiterate that the strong desires of crossdressers of  the desirable benefits of looking like a girl can cause some to stray so far off the reservation the they don’t see the tee-pee anymore.when this occurs there is usually something bad associated with the end story.  From  the end of marriages to death in some cases if you meet the wrong character who thinks you are tricking him.

I’m not sure if more or better professional help will solve this problem as many people are dishonest even with their therapists about the true  feelings they are experiencing. They have a goal in mind and say whatever is needed to achieve their end.

So indeed how do we weed out the wheat from the chaff ,as for me this was not a decision I made ,it was made for me before my birth,and one I could no more change than the stripes of a tiger and this is the way of most every true transgender in the world. I have vested my entire life into becoming the person I am today there is no door behind me I wish to walk back through,only doors ahead of me I haven’t opened yet.

I have made permanent commitments that I can’t reverse in life and no matter what or how hard the road of my life is going forward I feel it is just another bump in my road to womanhood.

Butterfly

A letter to M

This makes me feel alot better than I ever did.

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Dear M,

I heard about you from your mom. She writes beautifully about you and your life. You’re a very lucky 5 year old to have such a caring mom. Too many kids have moms that don’t care. In case you didn’t know, her writing is on the computer at gendermom.wordpress.com/

Your mom wrote that sometimes you feel sad.  Sad because your mind is a girl mind, but your body is a boy body.  I want to tell you a few things that might help you feel better.

You are special, very special. Your mom is very special, too. These things should make you happy.

Did you know nature makes everything different? Everything! Clouds, mountains, and rivers, all different. Flowers, blades of grass, even every snowflake, all different. And people – all of them – every single person is different from every other. Nature can’t make anything the same…

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The early makings of a girl on the prairie

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Tonight as I snapped fresh green beans for the evening meal my mind harkened back to my youth when I spent my time growing and learning the womanly things that made farm life so excellent. I remembered the the incredible strength  that I witnessed from all the farm women I grew up admiring,they awakened in the dark and began their preparation of the breakfast meal long before the cows were milked and anyone considered eating anything. In most cases the life out here on the prairie, wasn’t much different than that of the 30s and 40s   we had a crank phone and knew the specific crank for our close neighbors,all other calls went through the operator.In many ways I guess getting in touch wasn’t as important to us back then,as was being in touch with life and who we were as a people.

Butterfly

Mixed desires and Obligation

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While it has long been my desire to just blend in and become the ? girl next door,a part of me resists that notion knowing that my long years of suffering at the hands cruel persons and myself,leaves me in a unique position  that I feel somewhat obligates me to share who I am and how my life could benefit others like me,I don’t think many days go by in my life when there isn’t something that reminds me of the serious things that have led me to now. While I have continued to push forward with goals I set to  bring more sanity to my being,and more smiles into my life I can’t ever forget that this struggle is one I live alone in this world. While my struggle is very unique in and of it’s self it is played out in the minds and hearts of so many others like me. We each have a story that is the same and yet so different from each other,the journeys inside ourselves are never the same because no two minds ever see anything quite the same way. We do on the other hand face almost all the same obstacles in society as the other.

While many of you are already aware I petitioned  the courts and was granted a name change,along with these court documents,and a letter from my physician I was able to go to the Social Security Office and change my name and gender with them,the whole procedure took less than 10 minutes. However when I went to the bureau of motor vehicles to change my identity with them ,they had a whole different set of criteria to change my gender on my ID, as did the health department with my birth certificate. The BMV only requires a letter from your physician stating that the changes you have made to your body are permanent,(some of you may remember my earlier post Identify yourself your self in which I elaborated on this very subject) So i don’t feel this will be an obstacle too hard to prove with my Dr’s help the wording of her letter just has to be a little different than what is required by Social Security,and has to provide her license # and DEA #,as for the health Dept.their criteria is completely different altogether they have to have a court order only gained by having a letter from a surgeon who states that sufficient genital mutilation has occurred to make you no longer able to be observed as male. “more money more court fees and at least an Orchiectomy”.

I have already changed my name on all these things but only the federal Government will recognise my gender change,so for now the battle is still ensued to be recognised me as my true being, of course you all know Shelle does not go quietly into the night, so watch for more developments.

Now to elaborate on the many more facets of this immense project I undertook,of course we all have utility bills,some kind of bank acct. cable or in my case satellite service and on and on accts. with now the wrong name attached to them.I went to the bank submitted my court papers and came away with a new credit card,and ordered new checks,all went smooth there.

As for my utilities,Direct TV,gas, electric,internet and on and on I have to mail them the court papers before they will alter my accts.  Jeez this stuff just grows, but not to fear I’m not deterred,all will be as it should be in the end.

So for now girls I will leave you with these words from Larry the cable guy  “get er done”

Butterfly