The sad and the real with a little humor

It is a sad time that I post this night,my stepdaughter has taken her life by suicide,she struggled for many years from depression and alcohol addiction

 

I am devastated by these developments tonight ,but thankful for my daughter Vicki Eastwood who survives by the grace of God, for her the pain must seem insurmountable,at this moment. For her I give my most precious love and warm comfort.

 

 

In other news: I came upon my 3rd Mammogram held by the women’s clinic @ St. Elizabeth women’s clinic.

 

This being my 3rd, mammogram I thought of it as simply routine,much to my surprise however it was less than ordinary.

 

As was the norm she had a battery of questions, before we began the procedure

firstly she ask how many pregnancies I had to which I answered none ,nextly she ask when I had my first period, to which I replied  I’m still waiting for that too. She gave gave me an odd look but didn’t skip a beat and continued right along with the questions.

The really good news is that no evidence of breast cancer was found,with the caveat that I have very dense breast tissue which makes reading the scans difficult.

Next day I had my bi-annual visit with my Oncologist who always gives me a thorough breast exam as well. She was pleased to note also that I had since April lost 23 pounds. The reason being that my general practitioner had prescribed a statin drug for my cholesterol . After extensive research I made an informed decision to not take this drug which multiple studies have proven to show that these drugs are dangerous and truly a scam which now includes 1 in every 4 Americans , I also have friends who have suffered the side effects,of these big pharma drugs, 1 who has developed alzheimer’s and 2 who got diabetes,as a direct result from going on statin drugs.That being said knowing my numbers were outside the the guide lines I made radical changes to my diet and got my numbers back in the normal range within 60 days. Mostly this has been a blessing in disguise for me as my being on HRT has come with some weight gain that I didn’t exactly want anyway. I had tried all the fad diets with no success,but this time I made a long term commitment to really take control of my diet it has paid many dividends some being more energy and the weight loss is a blessing as well.At first I missed some things but over time I lost my desire for them and really find my new way of eating to be most desirable .

Well not to harp on that issue too much ,I will move on to other subjects.

 

Also in my personal news I have two successive visits with my ” mental health person” ala the VA in an attempt to get my papers signed so I can change the gender marker on my ID they have let me know that when I see my GP on the 17th they will indeed sign the paper work. This leaves me with now going back to court to now change my marker on my birth certificate which could have been done when I went for my name change but no  one let me know that so now it will cost me close to another $200 to return to court for just this one thing that could have been done the first time.Can you say FRUSTRATING !!

 

All this being said my transition has been for the most part just lots of effort,and graced by the love of a very accepting and supportive family. To them I can’t begin to express my gratitude and thanks for their love in this difficult but very necessary part of my life.

See you all soon with more news

 

Butterfly

Update on Firsts

  On October 24th I had my first ever mammogram.

I wasn’t sure at all what to expect having only overheard stories relaid by women I was around in my life, I had no idea what the procedure would entail or what the  machine really looked like.

I arrived early at the womens Clinic attached to St, Elizabeth hospital,checked in filled out my paperwork and waited anxiously for my name to be called.

The technician came out and took me back to dressing room where I was instructed to remove my top and put on a waist length gown and then enter the exam room,She had me sit down in chair and then went over my family history as related to any cancers, ask some personal questions  about my breasts. She then did a visual exam putting some adhesive markers on to show the position of any moles and some pasties on my nipples with steel bb’s on them.then it was up to the machine for the pictures of my breasts she did three on each breast in different positions,while I had heard stories that this was a painful thing I really only found it mildly uncomfortable they do squish them pretty flat and there is discomfort but it doesn’t rise to the level of painful in my opinion. The whole procedure took about 30 min. and I was on my way home being told I would receive  the results in about two weeks with further instructions if they needed to do further testing.

I am happy to report I got my results yesterday and was informed they did not find evidence of any cancerous tissue but did note that I have very dense breast tissue which makes it more difficult to find cancers by mammography alone and was advised to discuss this with my oncologist at my next visit.

So I say to those of you who have put this off get it done and save your life or at the very least take the stress off your mind,I am advised that I should return yearly for this and I will this is one of the most prevalent cancers to attack women and early detection can offer you more options than finding out too late.

Butterfly

 

Mixed desires and Obligation

While it has long been my desire to just blend in and become the ? girl next door,a part of me resists that notion knowing that my long years of suffering at the hands cruel persons and myself,leaves me in a unique position  that I feel somewhat obligates me to share who I am and how my life could benefit others like me,I don’t think many days go by in my life when there isn’t something that reminds me of the serious things that have led me to now. While I have continued to push forward with goals I set to  bring more sanity to my being,and more smiles into my life I can’t ever forget that this struggle is one I live alone in this world. While my struggle is very unique in and of it’s self it is played out in the minds and hearts of so many others like me. We each have a story that is the same and yet so different from each other,the journeys inside ourselves are never the same because no two minds ever see anything quite the same way. We do on the other hand face almost all the same obstacles in society as the other.

While many of you are already aware I petitioned  the courts and was granted a name change,along with these court documents,and a letter from my physician I was able to go to the Social Security Office and change my name and gender with them,the whole procedure took less than 10 minutes. However when I went to the bureau of motor vehicles to change my identity with them ,they had a whole different set of criteria to change my gender on my ID, as did the health department with my birth certificate. The BMV only requires a letter from your physician stating that the changes you have made to your body are permanent,(some of you may remember my earlier post Identify yourself your self in which I elaborated on this very subject) So i don’t feel this will be an obstacle too hard to prove with my Dr’s help the wording of her letter just has to be a little different than what is required by Social Security,and has to provide her license # and DEA #,as for the health Dept.their criteria is completely different altogether they have to have a court order only gained by having a letter from a surgeon who states that sufficient genital mutilation has occurred to make you no longer able to be observed as male. “more money more court fees and at least an Orchiectomy”.

I have already changed my name on all these things but only the federal Government will recognise my gender change,so for now the battle is still ensued to be recognised me as my true being, of course you all know Shelle does not go quietly into the night, so watch for more developments.

Now to elaborate on the many more facets of this immense project I undertook,of course we all have utility bills,some kind of bank acct. cable or in my case satellite service and on and on accts. with now the wrong name attached to them.I went to the bank submitted my court papers and came away with a new credit card,and ordered new checks,all went smooth there.

As for my utilities,Direct TV,gas, electric,internet and on and on I have to mail them the court papers before they will alter my accts.  Jeez this stuff just grows, but not to fear I’m not deterred,all will be as it should be in the end.

So for now girls I will leave you with these words from Larry the cable guy  “get er done”

Butterfly

Dignity

It’s Friday my big day has come and gone and I reflect on all the beauty that has filled my life this past year,Daniel,He knows how much he made this a success in my life, and great encouragement from someone I have come to admire greatly,Thanks you always gave me happy confirmation of who I was.

You Cyrsti,You understand because you are there on the same journey with me, You Roxie who always have a kind word to say,My darling niece who I was lucky to have enter my life.

My

Sister and Her Hubby she has been my  best Advocate,I love you Sis. To these and many more you played such a role in my journey to become The Lady I have become.

On Thursday I appeared before the court in the matter of my name change,I made myself a wreck all week worrying about the details and a special outfit I had in mind to wear to the proceeding,As it turned out my skirt didn’t arrive in the mail and the shoes I looked for two days didn’t seem important at all after that,I stressed thinking that all my preparations were failing,but in the end selected a demure look from my closet and something that would work with those shoes I searched so hard for.Thinking that this was important and that it would matter in the grand prize I had longed for so long,when the reality was it had little to do with what happened on that morn.

I rushed to my Dr’s. Office early that morning to pick up a letter she wrote for me offering proof that I am indeed receiving the appropriate treatment for my transition, rushed back downtown to the courthouse to make my 9:00 am appearance.went to the magistrate’s office as ordered only to find that he was on vacation and my case had been moved upstairs to the circuit court in his absence.

So upstairs I went and found the circuit court I was few minutes early and my stomach was full of butterflies in anticipation of what was about to transpire.I had come armed with all my prior paperwork from the court letters ,from my therapist,and Dr. and my notarised statement from the news paper stating that my notices had indeed appeared on the three required  dates 30 days prior to my court date. I felt confident and yet still nervous having very little experience with this kind of proceeding.

A young Black and white couple with a small child in tow was first ahead of me the Judge a Mr. Daniels took care of their business and as they walked away from the bench he called them back and gave the child candy from a basket under his bench,seeing  this only let me know I was dealing with a very kind man. He called me next to the bench and swore me in them ask me what I guess are just routine questions like have you ever been convicted of a felony,of course I never have,then he looked over my papers and said everything appears to be in order,and I said I have letters from my medical professionals if you would like to see them your honor he looked up from the paperwork complimented me on how I looked and said,I really won’t need to see them I can look at you and see exactly why you are here doing this,So I’m granting your motion and we will get the paperwork out to you in about two days,I smiled at him and thanked him and as I walked away I had this great feeling thinking it’s done and I was treated with kindness and dignity,and that I was truly lucky to have had this wonderful man see my case.

So to the Circuit court of Tippecanoe county,in the state of Indiana I say many thanks for your kindness and dignified treatment of a frightened girl. Who is now legally ( Shelle Marie Iles)

Butterfly

On the soap box Again

While all the LGBT groups around the country,are celebrating and patting them selves on the back for what they consider a great victory none of them has managed to thank the person who really got this done. So I will indeed thank her here very publicly.
Thank You Edith “Edie” Windsor for your great contribution and courage to see this all through and thank you for challenging this in the courts So that so many others of us might reap the benefits Associated with your great loss.

So many times I have spoken out about LGB—————————-T organizations As usual  the gay community is acting like it was all their doing that getting section three of D.O.M.A. thrown out out by SCOTUS. When in fact almost none of their resources got this law overturned. When frankly they should have piled on and gotten the entire law challenged and overthrown. This was an opportunity missed by them in my opinion. and would have set equality standards across the nation instead of just in states that allow Same sex unions.I don’t think D.O.M.A. should ever have been signed into law by then President Clinton in the first place. What gives the government the right to define marriage in their narrow view in the first place.

Anyway all this latest stuff  about D.O.M.A. was really started when Edie  Windsor filed her case which was this,

United States v. Windsor, 570 U.S. ___ (2013), is a landmark case^[1][2][3] in which the United States Supreme Court held Section 3 of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) to be unconstitutional under the Due Process Clause of the Fifth Amendment.

Edith Windsor and Thea Spyer, a same-sex couple residing in New York, were lawfully married in Ontario, Canada, under the provisions set forth in the Canadian Civil Marriage Act, in 2007. The validity of their marriage was subsequently recognized by New York under common-law principles of comity. Spyer died in 2009, leaving her entire estate to Windsor. Because their marriage was valid under New York law, Windsor sought to claim the federal estate tax exemption forsurviving spouses. She was barred from doing so by Section 3 of DOMA, which provided that the term “spouse” only applies to a marriage between a man and woman. In effect, the Internal Revenue Service found that the exemption did not apply to same-sex marriages, denied Windsor’s claim, and compelled her to pay $363,053 in estate taxes.

On November 9, 2010, a lawsuit was filed against the federal government in the United States District Court for the Southern District of New York, where Windsor sought a refund because DOMA singled out legally married same-sex couples for “differential treatment compared to other similarly situated couples without justification.”^[4] On February 23, 2011, U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder issued a statement from the Obama administration that agreed with the plaintiff’s position that DOMA violated the U.S. Constitution and said he would no longer defend the law in court. On April 18, 2011, Paul Clement, representing the Bipartisan Legal Advisory Group (BLAG) continued defense of the law. On June 6, 2012, Judge Barbara S. Jones ruled that Section 3 of DOMA was unconstitutional under the due process guarantees of the Fifth Amendment and ordered the federal government to issue the tax refund, including interest. The U.S. Second Circuit Court of Appealsaffirmed the decision on October 18, 2012.

BLAG and the U.S. Department of Justice (DOJ) appealed the decision to the U.S. Supreme Court, which granted a writ of certiorari in December 2012. On March 27, 2013, the court heard oral arguments. On June 26, 2013, the U.S. Supreme Court issued a 5–4 decision declaring Section 3 of DOMA to be unconstitutional “as a deprivation of the liberty of the person protected by the Fifth Amendment.”^[5]:25

Challenging section two at the same time would have been good but now in some of the dissenting comments by a couple of Justices they think it must be challenged based on the 14th Amendment.

While I’m happy for the presidents position in all this I’m sure the LGB___________________T community will no doubt heap all praise on him as he is their hero.

Truth is he hasn’t signed one piece of legislation that helps us since he got into office,He uses executive caveat to go around congress on almost everything why didn’t he do so on D.O.M.A.

Anyway the real Hero here is Edith “Edie Windsor So kudos to you Edie from

Butterfly

PS here’s how really confused they are

when you look up the acronym LGBTQIA that they now bandy about here is what you find,

RankAbbr.Meaning*LGBTQIALesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transexual, Questioning, Intersex, Asexual*LGBTQIALesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, Intersex and Asexual*LGBTQIALesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Questioning, Intersex and Allies

A little confusing when they use it which do they mean?

Bye again Butterfly

My head still in the clouds

Three Saturdays ago I attended Indy Pridefest, It’s the largest gathering of LGBT people I’ve ever attended ,It was like an LGBT Woodstock for me,around two hundred thousand people on the American Legion Mall in downtown Indianapolis,One of the biggest events of it’s kind in the nation. The Parade one of the longest of it’s kind. I’m staggered that there are really so many of us these days It gives me hope that we are in fact winning our way to freedom as a social group.

great bands booths and food a day I will hold in my memories forever,one big WOW.

Butterfly

Soapbox Shelle

It’s been a little over three years now since I began to be on hormone therapy to feminize my body and finally make it conform to a more likeable to me look.

There have indeed been tremendous changes that have taken place,some good and some not so good. It’s a journey that so many of us begin with great expectations of being changed from the miserable male bodies we inhabit to a more pleasant form that doesn’t repulse us when we look in the mirror.Certainly not all of us including me ever reach beauty queen status  but the changes are in fact very queenly to us.

At first the changes were very subtle but I think what I noticed early on was the calm it brought to my mind,I had no idea that this change would be so dramatic but for it I’m extremely thankful.

Now I’m going to get a little controversial,there are thousands of us out here doing HRT and for the most part we go to a private or government endocrinologist IE the VA to get our HRT and there seems to be a standard set of drugs that are prescribed for most of us It seems pretty universal over the main stream  with a few variations thrown in. I myself did endless hours of research before choosing the drugs I use,I think I’m probably more informed about these drugs than the Drs. who treat most of us let’s be real for a minute how many of you have ever ask your Dr. for credentials in their experience in treating transgenders? I’d be willing to bet most endo’s  do routine treatment of non gender variants and don’t specifically treat transgender’s. I’m sure my continuing research now approaching hundreds of hours and endless reading would rival most of them’s knowledge on the issue of HRT,I think most of them are just winging it in an attempt to do what they think is right but I would bet if you were to ask them informed questions they would soon be lost.(example; it’s standard practice in the U.S. to prescribe spirolactone as an anti-androgen) while this drug does have some effect in this area it was really a diuretic and blood pressure medication. I myself take a blood pressure medication which will not allow me to take this drug so I researched long and hard for some alternative that would work with my medication. I finally decided to use Cyproterone acetate (Androcur)It is not just an anti-androgen it was developed for use in prostate cancer and a drug used to chemically castrate men IE sex offenders.It not only shuts down the production of testosterone in the testes it also shuts  down the production in the hypothalamus.It comes however with some side effects,weight gain and loss of sexual desire as well as shutting down the production of sexual fluids. I don’t need to go into detail on that I hope.I know several persons who use the spirolactone who are able to continue to be sexually active and fully functional some of this is gone for me forever though I still have the desire and can be stimulated to orgasm,though the fluids are not there anymore. This has taken a while to happen but it is happening just the same.Also in most camps progesterone doesn’t usually get prescribed while it also blocks the production of testosterone it is shown to be of significant help in the growth of breasts in transgender’s. This is also part of my HRT.My Gp monitors my levels every three months and so far they are exactly at the levels of a Cis-gendered woman . I encourage that all trans-persons be monitored on a regular basis as many of these drugs can have harsh side effects.But please if you want great results question your provider and if they don’t have very sharp answers to your questions be leery about their experience and find out the answer to your questions. It’s your life,you will only have one chance to live it.

Butterfly

Misplaced loyalties and random twists of fate

 

Today I went to the local newspaper to post my legal notice’s which are 3 in all on different days in the legal section of  the paper stating my request to formally and legally change my name from the given male name given me at birth,to the chosen name I have picked  by my own choosing  as a transgender. By some random twist of fate the first of these notices will appear on this coming Sunday,which happens to also be fathers day. It is not my intention to be hurtful in any way to my son in all this but it seems it couldn’t have really come on a worst day for him. I do hope and pray that he will understand in time that this process I have set in motion is an extension of a  life  I have desperately  played out over most of my life and that I can’t or won’t turn back from what I feel must be. Sometimes it is just too important to choose sanity over the feelings of others,not that I don’t have great compassion for how very painful it is for the people I have touched in life along my tortured road to freedom. For this and other discretion’s that may occur in the future I humbly apologize and beg forgiveness.

 

On another note I was informed by someone very close to me that he would be leaving my life if not forever at least for some time. I guess we never know when we make decisions of the heart just how they will play out in the long run but try we must to give of ourselves unselfishly.

 

I guess though in some back area of our mind we always have some expectation of receiving back for the love given,often it just doesn’t work out to that end. But for the other person to just put your life on hold and expect you to allow them free exit and entry to yours seems a little more than what should be allowed in the normal state of affairs,if there is indeed a normal state of affairs.To all of us some measure of pain is expected in closeness of the heart but it becomes old hat after time,and life is too short to allow this to be accepted always in our lives.

Not that I don’t think for even a minute I won’t make this mistake again,It will always be in my nature to give of myself,regardless of the end outcome.    Just saying!!!!!!!!!

 

Something else coming soon I know.

Butterfly

Looking back to kinder cultures

 

In many cultures transgender were revered as people with two spirits,and sometimes were the spiritual leaders or shaman in some.

The Judeo-Christian culture however is mostly responsible for making us something to be ashamed of in our modern culture,the ethics of the European culture are responsable  for the prejudices against us in the modern world and those prejudices and the misinformation in our culture have led to us having for so long  to hide our selves and live in misery and pain for much of our lives and even have led to the death of many of us. The times seem to be softening  some of this but what is deeply ingrained in a culture will never disappear completely I think.

For those tolerant enough to expose yourselves to openness of thought and willing to interact with us I think you will find we are indeed people with two spirits and can enrich your lives immensely if you are willing to engage with us.

We have been around  since the dawn of civilization and in every culture  and not been shunned until more modern times perhaps we should all take a long look at our culture and bring forth a renaissance of the way we were treated by more ancient and civilized cultures.

The ‘two-spirit’ people of indigenous North Americans

• Walter L Williams

We-Wa, a Zuni two-spirit, weaving

Native Americans have often held intersex, androgynous people, feminine males and masculine females in high respect. The most common term to define such persons today is to refer to them as “two-spirit” people, but in the past feminine males were sometimes referred to as “berdache” by early French explorers in North America, who adapted a Persian word “bardaj”, meaning an intimate male friend. Because these androgynous males were commonly married to a masculine man, or had sex with men, and the masculine females had feminine women as wives, the term berdache had a clear homosexual connotation. Both the Spanish settlers in Latin America and the English colonists in North America condemned them as “sodomites”.

Rather than emphasising the homosexuality of these persons, however, many Native Americans focused on their spiritual gifts. American Indian traditionalists, even today, tend to see a person’s basic character as a reflection of their spirit. Since everything that exists is thought to come from the spirit world, androgynous or transgender persons are seen as doubly blessed, having both the spirit of a man and the spirit of a woman. Thus, they are honoured for having two spirits, and are seen as more spiritually gifted than the typical masculine male or feminine female.

Therefore, many Native American religions, rather than stigmatising such persons, often looked to them as religious leaders and teachers. Quite similar religious traditions existed among the native peoples of Siberia and many parts of Central and southeast Asia. Since the ancestors of Native Americans migrated from Siberia over 20,000 years ago, and since reports of highly respected androgynous persons have been noted among indigenous Americans from Alaska to Chile, androgyny seems to be quite ancient among humans.

Rather than the physical body, Native Americans emphasised a person’s “spirit”, or character, as being most important. Instead of seeing two-spirit persons as transsexuals who try to make themselves into “the opposite sex”, it is more accurate to understand them as individuals who take on agender status that is different from both men and women. This alternative gender status offers a range of possibilities, from slightly effeminate males or masculine females, to androgynous or transgender persons, to those who completely cross-dress and act as the other gender. The emphasis of Native Americans is not to force every person into one box, but to allow for the reality of diversity in gender and sexual identities.

Most of the evidence for respectful two-spirit traditions is focused on the native peoples of the Plains, the Great Lakes, the Southwest, and California. With over a thousand vastly different cultural and linguistic backgrounds, it is important not to overgeneralise for the indigenous peoples of North America. Some documentary sources suggest that a minority of societies treated two-spirit persons disrespectfully, by kidding them or discouraging children from taking on a two-spirit role. However, many of the documents that report negative reactions are themselves suspect, and should be evaluated critically in light of the preponderance of evidence that suggests a respectful attitude. Some European commentators, from early frontier explorers to modern anthropologists, also were influenced by their own homophobic prejudices to distort native attitudes.

Two-spirit people were respected by native societies not only due to religious attitudes, but also because of practical concerns. Because their gender roles involved a mixture of both masculine and feminine traits, two-spirit persons could do both the work of men and of women. They were often considered to be hard workers and artistically gifted, of great value to their extended families and community. Among some groups, such as the Navajo, a family was believed to be economically benefited by having a “nadleh” (literally translated as “one who is transformed”) androgynous person as a relative. Two-spirit persons assisted their siblings’ children and took care of elderly relatives, and often served as adoptive parents for homeless children.

A feminine male who preferred to do women’s work (gathering wild plants or farming domestic plants) was logically expected to marry a masculine male, who did men’s work (hunting and warfare). Because a family needed both plant foods and meat, a masculine female hunter, in turn, usually married a feminine female, to provide these complementary gender roles for economic survival. The gender-conforming spouse of two-spirit people did not see themselves as “homosexual” or as anything other than “normal”.

In the 20th-century, as homophobic European Christian influences increased among many Native Americans, respect for same-sex love and for androgynous persons greatly declined. Two-spirit people were often forced, either by government officials, Christian missionaries or their own community, to conform to standard gender roles. Some, who could not conform, either went underground or committed suicide. With the imposition of Euro-American marriage laws, same-sex marriages between two-spirit people and their spouses were no longer legally recognised. But with the revitalisation of Native American “red power” cultural pride since the 60s, and the rise of gay and lesbian liberation movements at the same time, a new respect for androgyny started slowly re-emerging among American Indian people.

Because of this tradition of respect, in the 90s many gay and lesbian Native American activists in the United States and Canada rejected the French word berdache in favour of the term two-spirit people to describe themselves. Many non-American Indians have incorporated knowledge of Native American two-spirit traditions into their increasing acceptance of same-sex love, androgyny and transgender diversity. Native American same-sex marriages have been used as a model for legalising same-sex marriages, and the spiritual gifts of androgynous persons have started to become more recognised.

 

 

Just some thoughts I wanted to share with you all.

Butterfly

Update to Uphill and against the wind

Today I called my insurance provider about the approval for my HRT prescriptions as it turns out it was as easy as having my Dr. call and authorize the prescriptions.

My cost for these things was almost nothing compared to what I had been paying for example my estrogen cost me $1.15 for a months supply,Much cheaper than I had been paying through Inhouse pharmacy. The one hitch in all this is that I am unable to fill the prescription for my anti-androgen,I can’t use Spirolactone because of a drug interaction with my blood pressure medication so I have been taking cyproterone now for about three years.It is a very much stronger medication generally used to treat inoperable prostate cancer but a very good testosterone blocker also used as an agent to chemically castrate sex offenders,I can assure you it does indeed take your sex drive away,especially when combined with the progesterone and Estradiol. The reason my prescription for this can’t be filled is the drugs containing cyproterone acetate more commonly called Androcur,or Cyprostat,the one I take is the Generic brand Siterone much cheaper,none are approved by the FDA,although they are widely used in Europe and Australia ,and New Zealand. There are no U.S. alternatives to this medication so I guess I will have to continue to buy it offshore until it is approved by the FDA.

Well I think that covers my update for now,Hope this is helpful to some of you out there.

Hugzz

Butterfly