In the beginning of my transition I found it hard to imagine that I would reach the place I live in now mentally,I felt at first some inherent need to have it known that I was a transgender,and an almost Nazi like belief that approaching life in that way would help me reach my goal which was ultimately to be a woman,I believed there was a cause to fight for, but learned it really stood in the way of my end goal.
I started way back even before making anyone aware of my decision to study very hard the way I would present myself if I indeed ever had the opportunity to be what I saw myself as internally.
And then it came, the therapy, the decision to come out and let all others begin to know Shelle,and let’s not forget the powerful influence the HRT had on me not only physiologically but mentally as time went forward.
At first I thought that it was a most important part of being Transgender to make the world change because I was changing,and that somehow my voice could change the narrative and magically make a better world for all like me and others behind me. but as time went on my focus began to change and redirect me to a more fundamental issue,what direction was my life taking I wondered?
My thinking started to change dramatically,a lot of it from coming out to family and friends and everyday exposure to the world around me, as I lived life as the woman I saw in my mind I realized that others too saw just me and not a transgender just another girl in the world,I was really ME but hadn’t noticed really that I wasn’t the other person at all anymore no matter where I went or what I did I was now Shelle,Shell, or miss and ma’am. I was just another woman in the world,with only a very few reminders of being transgender except when you place yourself around others of your kind who find it important to remind you what you are and that you should stand united with them to change it all. While It’s true that there are legal obstacles that create problems for the transgender community It’s not likely that the ones In my age group will change them or live to benefit from most of it and there is a large group of younger more militant people behind me most of which I find difficult to relate to,they can bear this standard without me while I choose to live my as me to become a good wife to my husband and live in happiness.My way to push forward with their agenda will be to be an invisible life ambassador,unseen as a transgender and seen only as Shelle.Just being treated as a normal person feels more comfortable to me than making sure people know I am a person with gender issues of the first magnitude.Certainly there are still reminders in my life on a personal level that won’t let me forget what I am but I have learned to push them far in the background in favor of having a fairly normal existence.
I used to belong to and join all the transgender sites I could find thinking that being grouped in with others like me would give me comfort I guess in a way it did at first but as time passed and my life took on it’s new reality I lost a great deal of interest in all this and found myself visiting them less and less and now almost never. I’m focussed more on living now something I never got to do most of my life,as I just fought the monster that lived my life for me.
Still along the way I made wonderful friends who also share my life story friends I hope I never lose and friends whose stories are like mine and yet vastly different,all of us fight this in very unique ways and with different life results.My life result is at this point putting a smile on my face and I think one that will last as long as I do.I think less and less about my condition and more and more about just blending into the background and being loved for the person I am.
Now I will turn my attention toward the life love affair I intend to have with the man I’m about to marry,A long happy love story I hope to share with you all as it unfolds.