From there to here

unnamed

In the beginning of my transition I found it hard to imagine that I would reach the place I live in now mentally,I felt at first some inherent need to have it known that I was a transgender,and an almost Nazi like belief that approaching life in that way would help me reach my goal which was ultimately to be a woman,I believed there was a cause to fight for, but learned it really stood in the way of my end goal.

I started way back even before making anyone aware of my decision to study very hard the way I would present myself if I indeed ever had the opportunity to be what I saw myself as internally.

And then it came, the therapy, the decision to come out and let all others begin to know Shelle,and let’s not forget the powerful influence the HRT had on me not only physiologically but mentally as time went forward.

At first I thought that it was a most important part of being Transgender to make the world change  because I was changing,and that somehow my voice could change the narrative and magically make a better world for all like me and others behind me. but as time went on my focus began to change and redirect me to a more fundamental issue,what direction was my life taking I wondered?

My thinking started to change dramatically,a lot of it from coming out to family and friends and everyday exposure to the world around me, as I lived life as the woman I saw in my mind I realized that  others too saw just me and not a transgender just another girl in the world,I was really ME but hadn’t noticed really that I wasn’t the other person at all anymore no matter where I went or what I did I was now Shelle,Shell, or miss and ma’am. I was just another woman in the world,with only a very few reminders of being transgender except when you place yourself around others of your kind who find it important to remind you what you are and that you should stand united with them to change it all. While It’s true that there are legal obstacles that  create problems for the transgender community It’s not likely that the ones In my age group will change them or live to benefit from most of it and there is a large group of younger more militant people behind me most of which I find difficult to relate to,they can bear this standard without me while I choose to live my as me  to become a good wife to my husband and live in happiness.My way to push forward with their agenda will be to be an invisible life ambassador,unseen as a transgender and seen only as Shelle.Just being treated as a normal person feels more comfortable to me than making sure people know I am a person with gender issues of the first magnitude.Certainly there are still reminders in my life on a personal level that won’t let me forget what I am but I have learned to push them far in the background in favor of having a fairly normal existence.

I used to belong to and join all the transgender sites I could find thinking that being grouped in with others like me would give me comfort I guess in a way it did at first but as time passed and my life took on it’s new reality I lost a great deal of interest in all this and found myself visiting them less and less and now almost never. I’m focussed more on living now something I never got to do most of my life,as I just fought the monster that lived my life for me.

Still along the way I made wonderful friends who also share my life story friends I hope I never lose and friends whose stories are like mine and yet vastly different,all of us fight this in very unique ways and with different life results.My life result is at this point putting a smile on my face and I think one that will last as long as I do.I think less and less about my condition and more and more about just blending into the background and being loved for the person I am.

Now I will turn my attention toward  the  life love affair I intend to have with the man I’m about to marry,A long happy love story I hope to share with you all as it unfolds.

Butterfly

Advertisements

Guarded Acceptance

exploding_head_3

 

I have spoken on other posts about being accepted by people but I’m still having problems with the level of acceptance I receive from my son  while he accepts me in private when others cannot find out it’s fine but in his words this is my reality and it shouldn’t affect him in his relationships with others.

It all makes my head want to explode,his stand on this prohibits us from having a “normal” relationship we can no longer go to a football game or basketball game together because we might be seen and questions may arise if someone who knows him or both of us would happen to see us.Noting that there may not be any such thing as a normal relationship with a transgender. I can no longer participate in holiday gatherings with them,because being who I am is far too controversial for these situations,essentially I’m just unable to be part of his life anymore.

While I understand he doesn’t wish to be taken out of his comfort zone for the likes of me I find it an untenable situation and don’t find this to be acceptance at all.

He doesn’t read these posts as he wishes to just keep thinking of me as I was in his youth,he won’t friend me on facebook as this too would move him from his comfort level,because people would ask questions,I do not live my life in hiding it is open to all who choose to face me he could easily just say please speak to her about this.

I can’t discuss with him the most intimate details of my life without him making an excuse to end the conversation,I have great things happening in my life now and can’t share them with him it’s most frustrating,he will likely be the last one to know I’m getting married and moving away to live with my husband.

I am at wits end with this whole thing,but will honor his wishes if he chooses not to participate in my life accept at arms length it is his choice,so I feel I will just move on without his blessing.

My happiness is at stake in this as well and he should realize I can’t give up my dreams and my life to make him comfortable always.

Rejected Butterfly

Update on Firsts

download (1) download On October 24th I had my first ever mammogram.

I wasn’t sure at all what to expect having only overheard stories relaid by women I was around in my life, I had no idea what the procedure would entail or what the  machine really looked like.

I arrived early at the womens Clinic attached to St, Elizabeth hospital,checked in filled out my paperwork and waited anxiously for my name to be called.

The technician came out and took me back to dressing room where I was instructed to remove my top and put on a waist length gown and then enter the exam room,She had me sit down in chair and then went over my family history as related to any cancers, ask some personal questions  about my breasts. She then did a visual exam putting some adhesive markers on to show the position of any moles and some pasties on my nipples with steel bb’s on them.then it was up to the machine for the pictures of my breasts she did three on each breast in different positions,while I had heard stories that this was a painful thing I really only found it mildly uncomfortable they do squish them pretty flat and there is discomfort but it doesn’t rise to the level of painful in my opinion. The whole procedure took about 30 min. and I was on my way home being told I would receive  the results in about two weeks with further instructions if they needed to do further testing.

I am happy to report I got my results yesterday and was informed they did not find evidence of any cancerous tissue but did note that I have very dense breast tissue which makes it more difficult to find cancers by mammography alone and was advised to discuss this with my oncologist at my next visit.

So I say to those of you who have put this off get it done and save your life or at the very least take the stress off your mind,I am advised that I should return yearly for this and I will this is one of the most prevalent cancers to attack women and early detection can offer you more options than finding out too late.

Butterfly