Misplaced loyalties and random twists of fate

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Today I went to the local newspaper to post my legal notice’s which are 3 in all on different days in the legal section of  the paper stating my request to formally and legally change my name from the given male name given me at birth,to the chosen name I have picked  by my own choosing  as a transgender. By some random twist of fate the first of these notices will appear on this coming Sunday,which happens to also be fathers day. It is not my intention to be hurtful in any way to my son in all this but it seems it couldn’t have really come on a worst day for him. I do hope and pray that he will understand in time that this process I have set in motion is an extension of a  life  I have desperately  played out over most of my life and that I can’t or won’t turn back from what I feel must be. Sometimes it is just too important to choose sanity over the feelings of others,not that I don’t have great compassion for how very painful it is for the people I have touched in life along my tortured road to freedom. For this and other discretion’s that may occur in the future I humbly apologize and beg forgiveness.

 

On another note I was informed by someone very close to me that he would be leaving my life if not forever at least for some time. I guess we never know when we make decisions of the heart just how they will play out in the long run but try we must to give of ourselves unselfishly.

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I guess though in some back area of our mind we always have some expectation of receiving back for the love given,often it just doesn’t work out to that end. But for the other person to just put your life on hold and expect you to allow them free exit and entry to yours seems a little more than what should be allowed in the normal state of affairs,if there is indeed a normal state of affairs.To all of us some measure of pain is expected in closeness of the heart but it becomes old hat after time,and life is too short to allow this to be accepted always in our lives.

Not that I don’t think for even a minute I won’t make this mistake again,It will always be in my nature to give of myself,regardless of the end outcome.    Just saying!!!!!!!!!

 

Something else coming soon I know.

Butterfly

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2 thoughts on “Misplaced loyalties and random twists of fate

  1. “Sometimes it is just too important to choose sanity over the feelings of others,not that I don’t have great compassion for how very painful it is for the people I have touched in life along my tortured road to freedom.”
    what???? Oh, shelle . . . . there is no need to “choose” because you haven’t hurt your son or, anyone else by living your truth – it’s not possible! THEY can hurt themselves and torture themselves with unloving or unkind thoughts about you, but that is not YOU. I see it this way – you have offered some people in your life a valuable lesson on integrity. you are a role model for the courage to live happily. one never needs to apologize for loving one’s self and if it upsets others, it is for them to take a look at where they are not living in truth in their own lives.
    😉

  2. Well said Zen.
    And you are right Shelle; it is unreasonable to be expected to put one’s life on hold at the whim of others no matter how close they might be. There seems to be a lack of understanding and empathy on your friends part. We build relationships over time based on trust and empathy and can only ever get out of them in proportion to what we put in and giving of one’self in a relationship is only naturl as long as you have faith that it is going to lead somewhere. It is quite natural to feel despondent, rejected or hurt when something like this happens but you are also right in saying that it might happen again. We owe it to ourselves to keep trying to build relationships that matter and are lasting and the best way to look upon occurrences such as this is to just shrug and move on to the next one. It hurts but eventually things will happen for the good. Its a bit like the old saying, “you can’t win the raffle unless you buy a ticket!” and if you are like me, you rarely win the raffle but it doesn’t stop me trying.

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