The Reverse Purge

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Throughout my life I from my early years as a child and right through to near present times I  collected feminine clothing articles and for most of my life secretly used them to satisfy my need to dress in what I knew was the appropriate way for my gender. As a child I would first borrow items from my sisters and finally my mother wear them and then carefully return them as stealthily as I could hoping never to be caught or have my secret revealed. Time went by and I began buying my own things and hiding them after dressing, these moments when I was able to slip away and be alone as my self helped over time to give me times when I felt  somewhat whole in my mystery world that no one knew of. It also began a cycle, one that many like me have experienced I would go in and out of periods where I felt I could purge these items from my life and live as what the rest of the world saw me as,but alas it never lasted long before I would begin to again start a new wardrobe and cycle would begin anew, this went on and on many times in my life until I finally made the commitment to let my secret out and live my life as Shelle,even then I found myself looking back  even going back living between the two lives a blurred line that kept me with one leg on each side of the fence.

But soon the Hormones began having a very strong influence on my thinking something I was really not expecting,I had for certain thought that some good physical changes would occur but had no idea of the mental changes that would take place.It seemed that all my thought patterns were becoming  more feminine and many things I was interested in most of my life were falling by the wayside and being replaced with other very powerfully driven female interests, things I dreamed about in life were becoming a reality no longer just hidden thoughts in the back of my mind.As this continued to manifest I began to realise that to have one leg on either side of the fence was not part of my end destination and that if I continued to enable myself to indulge in this I might again spend more time than necessary to achieve my goal of being a woman full time. And so began a new period in my life one I will call the ” reverse purge” I began a systematic program of ridding my life this time of all my male clothing articles,some I gave to friends who fit them and some went to Goodwill,until finally it was all gone and the thoughts of looking back finally faded with them,this purge seemed so right and I had no ill feeling like with my others that I would soon be wanting to replace it.I realised that I had released myself from that life and fully embraced who I had been seeking in this lifetime journey,It came with a lot more work everyday but work I should have been focussing on more anyway.

Finally I had crossed a barrier that moved me a long way down the road to my true self I found it one of the most liberating moves on my journey right up there with coming out to family and friends.transformationFreedom is not easy for anyone it always comes with sacrifice and hard work,but the prize itself is so sweet.

Butterfly

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2 thoughts on “The Reverse Purge

  1. Yes, Shelle, the story of your early years is one that any one or all of us could write. Sadly, only those who do as you have done and go all the way can do the reverse purge. i envy you that and am happy for you while being resigned to the fact that my own circumstances prevent me from doing the same, at least for the foreseeable future.

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