Why?

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I am repeatedly ask by people why did you wait so long to transition,I have ask myself the same question a thousand times,I can only guess that like most people like me I thought that if I practiced “immersion therapy” I could cure what seemed to be wrong in my life.I like most trans women of my age group thought that by immersing myself in in the hyper-masculine world I  would be somehow magically cured that it would rub off on my psyche and cure the fact that in reality I was a woman,But with little support and few coping skills the whole sharad only proved to be a complete failure and things just continually got worse all my life not better or less confusing but more and more the focus of my everyday thoughts.It wasn’t until around 17 years ago when I met my last wife and shared from the beginning who I was with her and she in turn was not only supportive but with her love and everyday help I began to feel emboldened and the fog I lived under began to clear I saw a more clear path to  the person I needed to become to finally have some sense of peace in my life and really begin to grow again.

This question of why is not easily answered even with my limited knowledge of who I really am I’m a work in progress and likely will be for the rest of my life,I think that is really true for all people not just those of us with gender Identity issues.Even still though the disconnect between one’s spirit and body leaves you feeling isolated,depressed and alone at best  but as you traverse this vast uncharted area that lays before you you do pick up new skills and learn as you go, that the journey to join your spirit and body is worth whatever hardships befall you.

I’m sure that for many who have never had to struggle with  identity issues  it is hard to understand WHY indeed we do this late in life, I guess my best answer is to free a soul incarcerated for years in a tomb of confusion.

Still finding your own freedom in life comes with very painful decisions about the lives you affect with your choice,only the very bravest of us ever escape the fear of hurting people we love with our quest to be whole people.

The WHY becomes more clear when you engage with us on an ongoing basis can I give a short answer that clears the air immediately no but I can live among you and answer with my life.

Butterfly

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6 thoughts on “Why?

  1. “to free a soul incarcerated for years in a tomb of confusion” – what powerful words Shelle and they speak volumes not only for you but for so many of us.

    I agree with you that the decision to change late in life comes from in part being hyper-masculine in our youth to try and hide or eliminate the woman inside us for i did exactly the same. However, i think another reason for there being many more younger people transitioning these days is because there is so much more information out there – especially via the internet so that people become aware of their issues sooner and so identifiy as transgender earlier. On my day, to have announced I was transgender (always assuming that i knew what it meant) in a small rural community in England at the age of 10 years old would have made me the laughing stock of the community and subject to endless ridicule and scorn for all the community would understand about the issue would have been that i was a sissy. By the time i understood my condition i was married with children and, for their sake, i delayed and finally put off all ideas of fully transitioning. At least you are able to go ahead and, as difficult as your patth may be i am sure it will bring you peace and i wish you all the very best.

  2. Pingback: “to free a soul incarcerated for years in a tomb of confusion” | Roxie Fox's Blog

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