This is not the first nor likely the last time I will have touched on the subject of my own gender issues as they continue to form over time,and through personal experience.
It has been a very long long journey in life trying to understand just how all this transgender thing has come to effect my choices about how to live,and with what sex I would feel comfortable living with if that should happen.
I struggled almost all of my adult life thinking that the only logical sex I could be with was a woman,I also think that my fear of being who I truly was would be found out and that my sexual preference would be called into question based on who I had always been in the past,so I kept trying over and over to have relationships with women because that’s what I felt was dictated by my peers.Also my thoughts were still being guided by a very strong influence of Testosterone,something I think I had more of than most normal men,or at least I felt one hell of a drive from it for sure.
In and around the year 2002 by the choice of my late and last wife,who ended her life by suicide,in 2009 I stopped having sex at least with other people I still took care of my strong urges on my own,until about two plus years ago when I finally sought therapy and began Hormone Replacement Therapy once on these drugs my insatiable desires for sex finally calmed and to this day I don’t think a lot about it on a day-to-day basis,not that I don’t still think it should be a healthy part of some future relationship in life.The fact is though that not thinking about it much is somewhat of a blessing since I have no one in my life presently.
I have however gone over and over what I think my true desire in a life partner will bring to life and how differently I feel about the gender I might choose going forward in my life. The Hormones have dramatically altered many of the ways I view things in life and will likely continue to evolve my thinking for sometime I would imagine.I feel so strongly now that I’m a woman, that I have desires to be with a man and know what it’s like to be loved in that very different way.I had very early in my teen years experienced men by virtue of being raped by pedophiles,and while I knew deep in heart all this was very wrong there was a point that I realized a part of me liked being treated like a girl sexually.Time and circumstances led me far away from this experience for nearly five decades now I have not known what it feels like to be with a man.Although those distant memories have been reawakened in me in recent times I hope that I can at some point choose to have this experience on my own rather than be forcibly taken like in that time.
While I no longer feel stigmatized by my feelings about having a man I do have a lot of fears,and thoughts on how it will happen and if I can in fact satisfy a mans desires. I guess there are a lot of variables at play in with this such as the very special type of man it takes to be interested and able to be with a pre-op transgender.While those are as rare as hens teeth they do exist,and I know one. I have gone over nearly every scenario of what this encounter would be like and dreamed of it for what seems like endless eternity,It still frightens the heck out of me I guess every brand new experience in life does to a degree but this is a big one for me.I do have this feeling that at some point this is going to become a reality.
Still I feel all these hang ups that I likely shouldn’t feel some of which are the product of my Christian upbringing that keeps telling me there should be a commitment attached to this behavior,If it weren’t for these things I would likely have already had this experience come to pass in my life, and yet another part of me feels a strong desire to save myself for that one special person that he might have the benefit of knowing he is the first to experience me as a woman. Having not had relations now since 2002 and having some body parts I never had prior to the hormones does make feel like I’m a virgin in some respects going into this, if it does indeed ever happen. Until such a time I will have to balance my thoughts on the subject with my desires as a human being,it’s good to have dreams even if they never come true they offer a direction in which to aim.