Thought’s Over today’s Oatmeal

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While having my morning oatmeal I began to reflect on my recent vacation.Likely one I shouldn’t have taken as it turned out,It started out with great promise of leaving my home in the cold of the midwestern winter and heading south to the warmer climes of South Carolina,to visit a friend and her family,only to find it pretty cold and gloomy there as well.

I had arranged this trip far in advance,and really looked forward to finally meeting my friend in person,it started with a very long and scary ride with another friend who was to drop me off and then go on to visit their sister,in Florida we had worked out a deal to share the gas expense so that we could both afford to go. The ride was tiring and a bit frighting as my friend left with no sleep and then drove almost 14 hours through the mountains,in an attempt to get me there at a time I had tried to keep with my other friend as she works a very grueling schedule,and I have great compassion for her dedication and hardship in this,rather difficult way of life.(the current state of politics making it very hard on working family’s these days),but that’s a whole other story.

We arrived in late evening very tired to some pretty chilly weather but I was quickly warmed with a hug from my friend,and made to feel welcome. After  a brief session of chit chat and few cigarettes by my friends we went off to bed,I was so worn out from the trip I fell asleep quickly as did my friend who planned to awake and get on with his trip to Florida.In the morning everyone went to work and school and my friend finally got off in late morning,and suddenly I was alone in a strange place with no one to talk to. I felt a little deflated just then but knew,That my friend would be home early that day,and that she had three days off We planned to go to an estate sale next day and did where she found a wonderful old cabinet for only five dollars,we later painted it a beautiful color of blue.

That first week was a difficult one for us both as she having had back surgery in recent months was in a great deal of pain and without her medicine to help her she was surely not herself even by her own admission,as for me I spent some pretty lonely days cooped up in the house alone because the weather just didn’t seem to want to break,it was bone chilling damp cold and rainy and I hadn’t really brought clothes for that my fault but it added to my misery just the same.My friend suggested that since I had little to do I could busy myself rearranging some of her cabinets so I busied myself with that and it did help to have something to do with my hands and mind. It was also difficult in the evenings that first week as she came home not feeling well and exhausted,she had her evening meal an tried her best to stay awake in front of the TV till Nine PM. I did have some idle conversation with her husband who is a gentle and kind man,he treated me very nice and I found him an amiable fellow and easy to talk to as we had some things in common in life ie our interest in motorcycles and cars.The end of that week I actually had some fun her niece came over and us girls went shopping and out to eat,a very nice break in things we watched a movie together and also made a piece of art together I enjoyed that alot,and on Sunday we finally got a very nice day and spent it as a family outing in old Charleston,It was beautiful and the old history stuff has long been a great interest to me we wandered through the streets and went to some very old graveyards on the church grounds of some beautiful and very old churches.I really wanted to be able to stop in and have a glass of wine and sample some of the local cuisine but we had the kids with us and we really ran out of time I guess.

The following week,the weather was a bit better about three days it was sunny and tolerable enough to go out of the house by around noon,they were having a party soon for their daughter and planned to have it outside and since they were both working so hard I tried to busy my days baking cookies in the mornings and raking in the yard to help out the best I could for them. It wasn’t much fun and my back and hands got a little sore but it at least gave me a sense of worth. And I enjoyed helping my friend it made me feel good to do something nice for her and her family.

Toward the middle to end of the week my friend began to become very agitated with me claiming I wasn’t engaging in conversation with her enough to please her I don’t know exactly what I was supposed to be saying but I do know that what I wasn’t saying seemed to have her pretty miffed,I did try to talk to her about how difficult it is for me being a Pre-op transwoman to find a man who could overlook that I wasn’t somehow complete,that part about being incomplete makes the whole thing take on a completely different beginning as a relationship the only men interested are ones who are seeking you out because you are incomplete and they don’t look at you as you see yourself but as some sexual deviant. She looks at herself as being well versed in the ways of transgenders and she is tolerant of others gender issues but she really still has a lot to learn anyway those conversations kind of got blown off and never went anywhere. I also tried to talk to her about a man who I have had a long internet relationship with someone she has never liked and she accused me of having webcam sex with him and said that was all our relationship was I have never done this with him or anyone else but she decided she was right and there was no changing her mind on the issue.

During all this my friend in Florida called and upset me with some very disturbing things he was doing down there,we are in a casual relationship with no intimacy but just the same I considered us more than just friends and was disturbed by his activity. This was near to the time we were to start back home,I vented my frustration about this to my girl friend who agreed he was being pretty disrespectful to me,when he arrived to pick me up she felt I should have jumped in his ass right away in front of her and her husband,and was angry that I didn’t,I pick my own places to have these fights and knew I had him as a captive audience for many hours on the trip home.

Some where between the time I left on Saturday night and Monday morning she cooked up a great hatred for me spewing and calling me some vile thing I’m still not sure what set this all in motion but when I said she was lying about me and called her a liar back she went into a tantrum like a two year old child and erased me from her life altogether,I know I’m not perfect for God’s sake but neither is she a true friend would surely try to work through any simple disagreement if they were indeed a true friend but I’m not even offered this benefit,I think some measure of human compassion could have been offered up here we were very close friends for a long time.

Needless to say my vacation was not as wonderful as I had hoped  and I lost my dear friend who I cared very deeply for,but I won’t become a cynic and not try friendship again.

It seems she and my other so called friend have conspired against me and want me out of their lives I regret their decision but really have no say in the matter,perhaps they will someday find out that when you judge someone else you don’t define them,you define yourself.

I doubt either of them has any forgiveness in their hearts however,and don’t expect to hear from either again. Even still I miss them.

Butterfly

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