The Bramble

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I guess none of us ever knows for sure from birth just how our lives will turn out,for most “normal” people I think as they grow up and look in the mirror they see who they really are and know what they desire in life and it all works out in some wonderful master plan.

This was not the case in my life I looked there and saw someone I wasn’t,after nearly 60 years now and some radical changes  I have made I now can look there and see who I really am, oh it’s not as perfect as I had always imagined it would be but it’s one helluva difference,and a view I feel I can live with at last.

Still though when I see old pictures of myself I don’t see me I see someone who spent almost all my life trying very hard to be someone everyone else wanted me to be. I wish it had been much different,that I had grown up in today’s time when there is so much more understanding and tolerance of gender differences,today you can be open about being gender dysphoric and get help and transition early on in life avoiding all the pitfalls trans-persons went through in my day.

In days past we had to blend in to society no matter how painful it was ,we  looked like the normal everyday boys or girls in school and became quarter backs and track stars and basketball players or where ever things led us but none of those roads led us to the place we wanted to truly be in. For me and most transgenders in my generation those roads led us into closets hiding,escaping when we could to get moments of relief from the agony we lived not being able to be seen publicly as who we were.

For so many the only way to get relief was to give up family and friends and our entire lives and move away from our places of birth and begin new lives somewhere else,never looking back or being able to reattach our selves to our families,hardly what we really wanted but driven so hard by our inner desire to be free from the life long bondage we were living. Not all of us were able to so easily walk away because of obligation to families we had made along the way and the enormous guilt we would have felt in doing so and we stayed fighting on but all the while dying a little each day inside where no one else could see. This turned out to be my path some of it out of obligation and some of it out of pure cowardess,I guess in a way I did a little of both I had moved far from my family for work and not for the cause of my gender issues but it did allow me to be myself for periods of time without worry of them finding out.

By circumstance while I was away I met a woman who married me in spite of who I was and loved just as I was,but alas I lost her to suicide late in my life and shortly there after came down with cancer,and ended up once again in my home town  now once again hiding from my family to be me.

However the battle with cancer had awakened a new way of thinking about life it appeared I would go on living after my operation and I became determined to live out the rest of my days as myself once and for all,I returned to therapy once again and was diagnosed as gender dysphoric (like I didn’t already know after all my life) But you have to play their game it’s the only one in town so to speak,and began straight away to Hormone therapy.

And then on to the really hard part telling my immediate family I thought sure enough I would end up banished by the entire clan,but I couldn’t have been more wrong I found out they were willing to love me and even advocate for me what a true blessing. There is now the telling to the ones like uncles aunts cousins and more a large group in my family but it’s summer coming up and time for family reunions which I will be expected at. I have my  trepidation’s  to say the least as coming out to so many especially since I haven’t seen most of them in in over thirty years will be leaving me doing more explaining than eating at the reunion I’m sure. I have a plan however to soften the blows so to speak before just arriving on scene with no warning to anyone. I will enlist my family that knows to bring it up in conversation to any they  talk with between now and then I think that shall give me some idea what to expect and who to avoid at all cost.I did however promise myself when I embarked on this journey there would be no turning back so forward I go once more into the breech. I will advise later in the year as to the results.

This will be one of the last big hurtles I have to jump in my journey, I had hoped to get the surgery but it’s late in life for me and I know I’m a girl so no matter, I do however plan to get an orchy  later in the year mainly to get me off of some of the expensive drugs in my HRT.

Until we meet again …………………… Butterfly

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3 thoughts on “The Bramble

  1. A wonderful story Shelle and one to which i can readily equate. I too became outwardly super-macho in my formative years, hiding away my true self and since then my life has taken a similar course such that i am also facing coming out to my immediate family. i am really happy for you that your close family have accepted you and feel sure that in time so too will your broader, extended family but want to wish you all the very best of luck when your family reunion comes around.

  2. Pingback: The life story of a transgender blogger friend that so closely mirrors that of mine | Roxie Fox's Blog

  3. PS – i put a link to this page on my own blog – hope you don’t mind but your story highlights issues we have both faced at different stages in our lives and issues that still confront us.

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