The differences can be stark

While many people make claim to being Transgendered,or gender dysphoric,it effects all of us in it’s own way some are perfectly happy to consider themselves so and yet not  have the desire to change their genitals to match the gender they feel they are,and yet for others who fit the original classic definition that has a complete disdain for the genitalia they were born with,it is a day to day torture that the aforementioned trans people don’t live with daily.

As for me I live with that classic definition and as hard as I try to convince my self that I am the girl I say I am it is always on my mind,that I just hate the male parts of my body and I want them gone,it effects so much of my desire as a human being in a very dreadful way that I just can’t get it out of my thoughts. I can’t easily pursue the type of relationship I want in life because my body doesn’t match who I am.

For some it is okay because they are happy to be in a relationship with a wife or other female.

For me it is a disaster,because I am a woman who wants a normal man woman relationship and my  wrong parts make it impossible.

I am so distraught about it sometimes it seems like life is no less of a fight than it has ever been for me no matter who knows about my life as Transgender and accepts me for it I still am not ever going to be free from this burden.I know that for those of you who don’t really have the desire to be fully transformed it must just seem a very small thing but for girls like me it is so huge we are willing to go through pure hell even risk death to become truly transformed physically into who we know we are,and while some you can just go on and live without it perhaps you don’t really share the burdens of your sisters in all this, maybe you just can’t see that tear that stays in the corner of my eye because I don’t have the resources or the means to ever be whole in my mind or live a normal life, I can’t find a normal man get married or ever live a life where I can forget who I really am and that is a pain most people would choose to live without I’m sure.

But the form of transgenderism I live with makes me want to risk even this to be whole in life and just be a real girl.





6 thoughts on “The differences can be stark

  1. Shelle, thank you for sharing the video, it was very hard to watch but the result was amazing! There is someone named Grishno on Youtube that has made a video diary of the entire genital reassignment surgery process that is definitely worth a look. She is brutally honest in sharing exactly what she goes through step by step, you should look her up she is amazing!

  2. I feel compelled to comment here Shelle, because I’m indeed one of the “sisters” who does not feel compelled to go through SRS at this time.
    I’m sure you didn’t want your post to sound so negative towards us.
    But…does a vagina alone signify a “real woman”? Perhaps you have lost track of the concept of gender between the ears and sex between the legs. Does a female become a “real woman” when she has sex with a man as you so crave?

    One of the true tragic divides in our trans community is when TS’s go through SRS and then in their best impression of a male ego trip to try to hold it up to the rest of us like a new car they bought years ago. Hey look what I bought for 30 grand!!!! I guess you can’t call it “penis envy” right?
    I mean really, how does anyone have the right to say how another thinks. Unless you have spent your life in a cave, haven’t we all met women who were more male than guys and vice versus.

    And so it goes. It seems the rad fems and the rad TS’s want to line up with the religious right and desperately hang on to the archaic idea that a vagina alone (or a penis) defines a person. But then again I know most all TS’s don’t understand and even resent the fact that I have been able to lead an increasing fulfilling feminine life while they sit at home with their new toy.

    Believe me I know and feel your pain but I do get a little upset when a person tries to define my gender because of my sex.

    I’m not putting myself up on some pedestal…I’m so fortunate I have found a very great circle of friends who accept me unconditionally as a woman…none of whom are male or even trans. Let me repeat I’m snubbed by every TS I’ve contacted because I dare to live my life the way I do. I do meet guys on occasion but like many other genetic women, finding the basics of intelligence, sense of humor, interests in a single man is rare..let alone the absence of the big “V”. It’s their loss not mine.

    Like I said, I don’t really think you meant to sound like you did. Believe me, I have thought out the whole SRS process and if I wasn’t my age and I did have an extra 30 grand hanging around would I do it? Since I’m having the time of my life now…kind of doubt it…

    In the meantime, just keep finding ways to explore your femininity in your mind…not your sex organ.

    • I certainly made no comment that would discourage any of you out there from feeling or being who you are and if you don’t want the surgery I’m just fine with that and love you just the same.
      I only wanted to point out that for me this has been a hindrance to the life I always dreamed of,and certainly I wouldn’t parade myself around claiming to be better than anyone else my intent was always to just be a normal person and be able to forget that I’m transgendered I just want to be a normal girl,and live my life like any other normal girl. It’s true that all of us are effected differently by this experience,and I know a few of those ones who are on an ego trip because they have gone through the surgery,and some who turned out to be little more than sluts in life because of it,that’s not at all what I want,perhaps I would never find a man I liked enough to share myself with and if that’s the case I would never use the darn thing,but I would like to have the opportunity to be normal.Though I know it will never happen it still saddens me some days.

  3. My heart goes out to you Shelle and i feel your pain even though i doubt i will ever go through with SRS not purely because of my circumstances but also because i don’t feel the same sexual need to have a vagina. Cyrsti makes some valid points and like her, i am sure you did not intend to sound so negative about those of us who for whatever reason do not wish to go through with SRS. We are all unique while all sharing the desire to live as our true gender identity – there are degrees in all things and some, such as yourself are at one extreme of the spectrum. i understand your need and your suffering and with all my heart wish that you could find a way to reach your ultimate goal.
    Love roxie

  4. Looking at my post I don’t see any negative comments towards anyone,I’m only pointing out that my experience is different than that of some of the rest of the peoples,and how it has effected me might not be how it effects everyone,in reality I’m probably in the minority on this but I have a right to feel the way I feel too and it doesn’t always have to be what others feel. I actually live the same life as you and my dear friend Cyrsti,and do have great solace in the love love of my family and friends,and you are certainly both included as my friends.I very much agree with a lot of what Crysti said and I’m thankful for having you both make comments about my post.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s