What’s it all about Shelle?

I don’t think in all my years of life no matter how long and hard I studied an prepared myself,could I have ever imagined how my coming out to family would go.I have a very large family indeed and knew going in I would lose most it when I finally revealed who and what I am in life.Like a professional actor on a world stage I played out all that society expected  me to be with great precision and know one could have ever guessed that who I was seethed under the surface hoping on an everyday basis to escape the prison I was locked into at birth.I somehow was able to deceive the world and never myself.Recently my son said to me after I told him who I really am, jeez dad I just can’t wrap my head around this you were always a mans, man and I just can’t believe what you have told me is true now.I guess like so many other trans people I over compensated and excelled in what I did to make myself very believable.

There was also a great fear that drove my life as I knew that when or if I was found out it would be the end of life as I had always lived it and that others might use this information to hurt me further than God had already.now that I have told all of my immediate family and found acceptance from some and shocked some who may never have a normal relationship with me again I wonder have I pushed too hard to make my self the focus of this disaster that has always been my life am I stealing something from the people who have known me for life and now are thrust into trying to see a new me and struggling with how they can interact with someone they had never known existed.Am I being selfish because I need to be known before my life is drained out and evaporates into the desert of time?Could I possibly have just gone on into death and let everyone be happy but me?Certainly it’s too late to back up and close the door and pretend no one saw or heard anything.I stepped off the cliff and I must now hope the landing will be in a place that can suit everyone’s liking.Now I feel trapped by some people more than ever before because they feel they have the right to bury their heads in the sand and pretend “I” don’t really exist,Leaving me still play acting to them because they lack the courage to see that I desperately need to be released from my life’s bondage,and leaving me with feelings of guilt once again because I made this ” journey” about me and didn’t think about how they would react to the person I have always known,but who was never in existence in their live’s till now.It seems I have only made things even more desperate to me and now I have left others with thoughts they didn’t want to face in their lives,what cruel way for God to have left me in in life,I seek to be me and still others seek to deny me and I just want some moments of peace before I have to leave this place.Can’t they just quit turning away and go ahead and look at my picture and see who I really am?Is that too much to ask?

Can I please exist and be the woman I have always been?

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3 thoughts on “What’s it all about Shelle?

  1. As we all know Shelle, it finally comes down a point when we have to say…”Go to hell if it is too much for you to accept”
    Liberation is wonderful…with or without them.

    • Indeed Cyrsti I need to finally know all of myself,and hope I have time left to do so but I was also raised to think of others I guess this the bondage most of us encounter along the way,just another hurdle in a very long race to the end.

  2. I admire your bravery Shelle and wish only the best for you. You are coming from a situation familiar to so many of us but going where so many of us would also like to go but are too scared to do so. As you point out, there is now no going back so stay strong and have faith that what you are doing is not only the best for you but that others will eventually see things your way once they see the real you being happy and content with life at last.

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