I am Hijra

 

Neither am I  woman or man but of the third gender a gender between man and woman,but just as valid as anyone else in the world,my body says to me I am man but my soul says to me I am woman. From the beginning of my life my soul did not match my body and my soul cried it wept hard for long years pulling on my heart asking daily why don’t you set me free from this prison I am a soul a free entity not here to be captured by the ways of others. I called back almost continuously to my soul but had no answer to it’s quest for most of my life.But time and love of life have brought forth the answers my soul was seeking and now it rests smiling back at me happy to be free from it’s bonds basking in the sun of life  peacefully allowing some merger of the divine to find a home in my heart.

 

Butterfly

The Bramble

I guess none of us ever knows for sure from birth just how our lives will turn out,for most “normal” people I think as they grow up and look in the mirror they see who they really are and know what they desire in life and it all works out in some wonderful master plan.

This was not the case in my life I looked there and saw someone I wasn’t,after nearly 60 years now and some radical changes  I have made I now can look there and see who I really am, oh it’s not as perfect as I had always imagined it would be but it’s one helluva difference,and a view I feel I can live with at last.

Still though when I see old pictures of myself I don’t see me I see someone who spent almost all my life trying very hard to be someone everyone else wanted me to be. I wish it had been much different,that I had grown up in today’s time when there is so much more understanding and tolerance of gender differences,today you can be open about being gender dysphoric and get help and transition early on in life avoiding all the pitfalls trans-persons went through in my day.

In days past we had to blend in to society no matter how painful it was ,we  looked like the normal everyday boys or girls in school and became quarter backs and track stars and basketball players or where ever things led us but none of those roads led us to the place we wanted to truly be in. For me and most transgenders in my generation those roads led us into closets hiding,escaping when we could to get moments of relief from the agony we lived not being able to be seen publicly as who we were.

For so many the only way to get relief was to give up family and friends and our entire lives and move away from our places of birth and begin new lives somewhere else,never looking back or being able to reattach our selves to our families,hardly what we really wanted but driven so hard by our inner desire to be free from the life long bondage we were living. Not all of us were able to so easily walk away because of obligation to families we had made along the way and the enormous guilt we would have felt in doing so and we stayed fighting on but all the while dying a little each day inside where no one else could see. This turned out to be my path some of it out of obligation and some of it out of pure cowardess,I guess in a way I did a little of both I had moved far from my family for work and not for the cause of my gender issues but it did allow me to be myself for periods of time without worry of them finding out.

By circumstance while I was away I met a woman who married me in spite of who I was and loved just as I was,but alas I lost her to suicide late in my life and shortly there after came down with cancer,and ended up once again in my home town  now once again hiding from my family to be me.

However the battle with cancer had awakened a new way of thinking about life it appeared I would go on living after my operation and I became determined to live out the rest of my days as myself once and for all,I returned to therapy once again and was diagnosed as gender dysphoric (like I didn’t already know after all my life) But you have to play their game it’s the only one in town so to speak,and began straight away to Hormone therapy.

And then on to the really hard part telling my immediate family I thought sure enough I would end up banished by the entire clan,but I couldn’t have been more wrong I found out they were willing to love me and even advocate for me what a true blessing. There is now the telling to the ones like uncles aunts cousins and more a large group in my family but it’s summer coming up and time for family reunions which I will be expected at. I have my  trepidation’s  to say the least as coming out to so many especially since I haven’t seen most of them in in over thirty years will be leaving me doing more explaining than eating at the reunion I’m sure. I have a plan however to soften the blows so to speak before just arriving on scene with no warning to anyone. I will enlist my family that knows to bring it up in conversation to any they  talk with between now and then I think that shall give me some idea what to expect and who to avoid at all cost.I did however promise myself when I embarked on this journey there would be no turning back so forward I go once more into the breech. I will advise later in the year as to the results.

This will be one of the last big hurtles I have to jump in my journey, I had hoped to get the surgery but it’s late in life for me and I know I’m a girl so no matter, I do however plan to get an orchy  later in the year mainly to get me off of some of the expensive drugs in my HRT.

Until we meet again …………………… Butterfly

Looking both ways

 

Looking back and ahead at what I have accomplished since I decided to transition and leave behind the man I never was to be girl I always was sets me to thinking about how much was involved in the process.

It was filled with years of denial and experiences,that I wish now I had never had. But importantly it was journey I had to take in life to preserve what little sanity I had left,as I began it I was filled with almost every form of fear that could be dreamed up by anyone,and when I stepped off that cliff and began the process it didn’t take long for me to realize that in reality I had been preparing for this all my life, and so much of it just fell into place in a very natural way. As I moved forward in the earliest parts of my transition I found that the sheer relief of finally liberating myself from the person I wasn’t born to be brought such peace to me and that each was a happier one than the day before,certainly transitioning is not a cure-all for everything that was wrong in my life but it offered me the solace to begin dealing with all my considerable baggage that I had packed in the long trip through life,now those things just began to fall away as  the new me began to evolve and they didn’t hold me back anymore. I found early on that to build confidence in yourself meant you had to be and feel authentic,without this authenticity it just feels like you are living in the third person. While all my problems in life are not suddenly solved at least the problem of  my gender dysphoria is way better as this has permeated almost every aspect of my life the relief from it is most welcome. Finally being one whole person has much improved my outlook on life.

I have also learned that this is a transformative time for transgender people so it’s important to be out and let people interact with you because the world needs to know about us,we are not as big a piece of society as the gay,lesbian community,and still not a lot is known about us and what we are. So it’s important for us to gain our confidence and be ambassadors for our group in the world.

It’s important to listen to your inner voice and act on it ,I made every excuse in the world why I shouldn’t do this and why I didn’t deserve it ,but I do deserve happiness in life,you can’t be authentic and hide who you really are it just doesn’t work and never will.Be real and love yourself  it works, and life becomes easier as time goes on and know that  the world needs us.

 

Butterfly

 

About being born in November

“November”

 

by Thomas Hood

No sun–no moon!
No morn–no noon!
No dawn–no dusk–no proper time of day–
No sky–no earthly view–
No distance looking blue–

No road–no street–
No “t’other side the way”–
No end to any Row–
No indications where the Crescents go–

No top to any steeple–
No recognitions of familiar people–
No courtesies for showing ‘em–
No knowing ‘em!

No mail–no post–
No news from any foreign coast–
No park–no ring–no afternoon gentility–
No company–no nobility–

No warmth, no cheerfulness, no healthful ease,
No comfortable feel in any member–
No shade, no shine, no butterflies, no bees,
No fruits, no flowers, no leaves, no birds,
November!

Any one born in this gray and dreary month can surely relate to this Poem.

April 24th 2013

April 24th was the one year Anniversary of my Fathers passing,I awakened to a gray, rainy, chilly day without any expectations of how the day would play in my life.

The day started as pretty routine I checked my E-mail and Facebook page did some Online shopping and then my usual housework and prepared for the day ahead.

A dear friend on the day before had given me a nice oak glass top end table to go beside a chair in my living room It cried out for a lamp but I didn’t have one so ask my friend if on the 24th we could go shopping at some of the many second hand stores in town and he said he would be over that afternoon.

I was in the bathroom preparing my self for his arrival when the phone rang It was my son someone I haven’t had a great deal of contact with in recent times since I came out to him as transgendered,the whole thing put a pretty big strain on our relationship I knew it was very hard for him I pushed the issue pretty hard at first and seemed to get nowhere with it and so decided to just give him time and space to process all this in his own way.(One of the greatest fears for transgender people is losing friends and family when you finally decide to open this information to the public and begin living as who you really are.) On this day however he let me know that I was still important to his life and that he was ready to make sure we could spend time together and that he was willing to accept me as I am,a huge break through for us.We had a wonderful talk that day and spoke of getting together often and going out to dinner soon,needless to say I was very pleased by our talk and wondered if that it was the day and the memory of my now missing father that had spurred this in his heart,he knows that the day will come when I too will be in the sad memories of deceased loved ones we gather as life goes by.

I finished getting ready for my outing and then watched my Soap while waiting for my friend to arrive. He arrived and our quest to find the perfect lamp began,our first stop Trader Bucks, don’t really know why we picked it but the most amazing thing happened when we walked in he headed for the back of the store and I seemed to be guided by some strange force to turn right and start my looking in the front of the store I walked straight to a lamp sitting on a shelf as if it had magically called me there and there it was the perfect lamp for my table I had found it in under a minute and the price was so right. Only $10.99.

I grabbed it up and got a cart as I knew I couldn’t stop shopping in under a minute there was nearly a half acre of store to peruse yet. We must have spent two hours looking through all the booths and of course I found things I couldn’t escape without making them mine,Everyone who knows me knows I love anything butterfly OMG I found all manner of these there that day ,I will show them and more of my collection to you now,

The cast iron trivets were a great find as I had very few butterflies in my kitchen,set of six a dollar a piece also the vase hardly ever find those. well after all this shopping we had to stop on the way home at the grocery for some dinner items and a three way bulb for the lamp,as we finished up there and I was on my way out there by the exit stood my son and daughter in-law waiting to see me. we had a wonderful chat and exchanged hugs and I left thinking what a wonderful day this had turned out to be was it my Father sending me his love from his place in Heaven,I will always think so I LOVE YOU DAD.

Butterfly

Thought’s Over today’s Oatmeal

While having my morning oatmeal I began to reflect on my recent vacation.Likely one I shouldn’t have taken as it turned out,It started out with great promise of leaving my home in the cold of the midwestern winter and heading south to the warmer climes of South Carolina,to visit a friend and her family,only to find it pretty cold and gloomy there as well.

I had arranged this trip far in advance,and really looked forward to finally meeting my friend in person,it started with a very long and scary ride with another friend who was to drop me off and then go on to visit their sister,in Florida we had worked out a deal to share the gas expense so that we could both afford to go. The ride was tiring and a bit frighting as my friend left with no sleep and then drove almost 14 hours through the mountains,in an attempt to get me there at a time I had tried to keep with my other friend as she works a very grueling schedule,and I have great compassion for her dedication and hardship in this,rather difficult way of life.(the current state of politics making it very hard on working family’s these days),but that’s a whole other story.

We arrived in late evening very tired to some pretty chilly weather but I was quickly warmed with a hug from my friend,and made to feel welcome. After  a brief session of chit chat and few cigarettes by my friends we went off to bed,I was so worn out from the trip I fell asleep quickly as did my friend who planned to awake and get on with his trip to Florida.In the morning everyone went to work and school and my friend finally got off in late morning,and suddenly I was alone in a strange place with no one to talk to. I felt a little deflated just then but knew,That my friend would be home early that day,and that she had three days off We planned to go to an estate sale next day and did where she found a wonderful old cabinet for only five dollars,we later painted it a beautiful color of blue.

That first week was a difficult one for us both as she having had back surgery in recent months was in a great deal of pain and without her medicine to help her she was surely not herself even by her own admission,as for me I spent some pretty lonely days cooped up in the house alone because the weather just didn’t seem to want to break,it was bone chilling damp cold and rainy and I hadn’t really brought clothes for that my fault but it added to my misery just the same.My friend suggested that since I had little to do I could busy myself rearranging some of her cabinets so I busied myself with that and it did help to have something to do with my hands and mind. It was also difficult in the evenings that first week as she came home not feeling well and exhausted,she had her evening meal an tried her best to stay awake in front of the TV till Nine PM. I did have some idle conversation with her husband who is a gentle and kind man,he treated me very nice and I found him an amiable fellow and easy to talk to as we had some things in common in life ie our interest in motorcycles and cars.The end of that week I actually had some fun her niece came over and us girls went shopping and out to eat,a very nice break in things we watched a movie together and also made a piece of art together I enjoyed that alot,and on Sunday we finally got a very nice day and spent it as a family outing in old Charleston,It was beautiful and the old history stuff has long been a great interest to me we wandered through the streets and went to some very old graveyards on the church grounds of some beautiful and very old churches.I really wanted to be able to stop in and have a glass of wine and sample some of the local cuisine but we had the kids with us and we really ran out of time I guess.

The following week,the weather was a bit better about three days it was sunny and tolerable enough to go out of the house by around noon,they were having a party soon for their daughter and planned to have it outside and since they were both working so hard I tried to busy my days baking cookies in the mornings and raking in the yard to help out the best I could for them. It wasn’t much fun and my back and hands got a little sore but it at least gave me a sense of worth. And I enjoyed helping my friend it made me feel good to do something nice for her and her family.

Toward the middle to end of the week my friend began to become very agitated with me claiming I wasn’t engaging in conversation with her enough to please her I don’t know exactly what I was supposed to be saying but I do know that what I wasn’t saying seemed to have her pretty miffed,I did try to talk to her about how difficult it is for me being a Pre-op transwoman to find a man who could overlook that I wasn’t somehow complete,that part about being incomplete makes the whole thing take on a completely different beginning as a relationship the only men interested are ones who are seeking you out because you are incomplete and they don’t look at you as you see yourself but as some sexual deviant. She looks at herself as being well versed in the ways of transgenders and she is tolerant of others gender issues but she really still has a lot to learn anyway those conversations kind of got blown off and never went anywhere. I also tried to talk to her about a man who I have had a long internet relationship with someone she has never liked and she accused me of having webcam sex with him and said that was all our relationship was I have never done this with him or anyone else but she decided she was right and there was no changing her mind on the issue.

During all this my friend in Florida called and upset me with some very disturbing things he was doing down there,we are in a casual relationship with no intimacy but just the same I considered us more than just friends and was disturbed by his activity. This was near to the time we were to start back home,I vented my frustration about this to my girl friend who agreed he was being pretty disrespectful to me,when he arrived to pick me up she felt I should have jumped in his ass right away in front of her and her husband,and was angry that I didn’t,I pick my own places to have these fights and knew I had him as a captive audience for many hours on the trip home.

Some where between the time I left on Saturday night and Monday morning she cooked up a great hatred for me spewing and calling me some vile thing I’m still not sure what set this all in motion but when I said she was lying about me and called her a liar back she went into a tantrum like a two year old child and erased me from her life altogether,I know I’m not perfect for God’s sake but neither is she a true friend would surely try to work through any simple disagreement if they were indeed a true friend but I’m not even offered this benefit,I think some measure of human compassion could have been offered up here we were very close friends for a long time.

Needless to say my vacation was not as wonderful as I had hoped  and I lost my dear friend who I cared very deeply for,but I won’t become a cynic and not try friendship again.

It seems she and my other so called friend have conspired against me and want me out of their lives I regret their decision but really have no say in the matter,perhaps they will someday find out that when you judge someone else you don’t define them,you define yourself.

I doubt either of them has any forgiveness in their hearts however,and don’t expect to hear from either again. Even still I miss them.

Butterfly

New development

A couple of months ago I wrote a story about my “insomnia” and now wish to add some updated info on my story.

I had relayed to my doctor on more than one occasion that my lack of being able to get a good night’s sleep was affecting my life in lot’s adverse ways.We tried  first with a prescription of Ambien a widely prescribed sleep inducer which is habit forming something I didn’t feel comfortable with from the git go,especially with my past history of drug abuse years ago I know I am one of those persons who can easily become dependent on drugs,and or alcohol.It took my years of struggling to finally overcome those things and I have no desire to go back. As it turned out the Ambien left me feeling very drowsy and hung over in the mornings and I ask my doctor for something else that would be not habit forming and leave me with these side effects,on the advice of someone who was once my dear friend I ask for Trazodone,It offered me some mild relief and really had no bad side effects and I use it still today.Still though I wasn’t sleeping through the night like I should and this was effecting my daily routines and my relationships with others.

Being A transgendered woman on hormone therapy now for a little over two years I decided to go back to my research and see if there was something in all that which could unlock this sleep mystery for me.Turns out there was,and it was so simple I couldn’t believe it.For last couple of years I had been on the same routine of getting up having my breakfast and then taking my medicines as it is recommended to take most with food,and it seemed like everyday I shortly felt the urge to go back to sleep. I’ll explain I am one of a very few I think transwoman who have also added progesterone in the form of Prometrium to my regimen  because it helps greatly in the formation of breast tissue especially the nipples and areola,all research I was able to find showed adding it was to mimic the hormones of a teenage girl in puberty. Well low and behold when I looked it up to do more research I found out one of the side effects was that it caused drowsiness and should therefore be taken at bedtime,I began doing this along with my sleeping pill about ten days ago,and like magic I fall asleep in about ten minutes and sleep straight through till early morning.

So if any of you girls out there are using progesterone this may be a big help to you whether you are trans,or cis gendered.

Hope this helps someone like it helped me.

Butterfly