Tales of a summer in a hopefull heart

cousin Jon's birthday

I know that some of you are frothing at the mouth ,wondering what happened after I left myself open in my letter to my cousin about the Family reunion.

I can assure everyone that the results were beyond anything I could ever have imagined.A little background might add some perspective to all of this,first I come from a very conservative Christian family from the bible belt in Indiana.Surely I’m the first to have suffered the wrath of being a Transgender in my family.”Being what I “am never changed  who I always was I still have my families Christian beliefs and my rugged frontier attitude in tact.All my life I struggled with how I could make the person inside of me match the person everyone else saw on the outside.

Firstly I know who I am and have always known,I was a girl,now however I have grown into a “Woman” yes I said woman and that is what I am and will be.

I had lots of help getting to where I  am today,and one of those people stands still behind me through thick and thin always at my side a wonderful man I met on a social site a few years ago I won’t have to say who he is he knows without my naming him.

Some time ago when I first began this project I began to have,some very loving and supportive followers, they all know who they are so no need to mention.I know their sincerity is real.

Along the way one of my favorite girl cousins discovered who I really was and encouraged me to out myself,inspite of the terror I felt in doing so, I followed her advice and came out to my immediate family,all went well and to my surprise I never lost the love of even one of them.In reality I gained new found love I never could have imagined.

Well as I still struggled to resolve who and what I was I made a decision that without the support and love of the people I loved and grew up with none of epiphanies that I made in life really had a basis in the reality. Ergo I made the decision to move on the invitation to my Family reunion by penning a letter to one of my closet of cousins,you all know how that turned out.

Well came that day when I would stand and face any and all who attended the reunion this year,I baked a huge Lasagna and headed out with my sister “Debra” trembling all the way not knowing what to expect.

Upon our arrival I went in and placed my dish next to all the others found the two musketeers,and proceeded to give them huge hugzz from the now Musketshe.

 Most of the crowd was already there when we arrived,as I looked around the room I saw so many that I loved and wondered how this might all turn out.

Before things got started my dear cousin Donny who I reached out to in my letter ask if I would like him to read the letter to al who were present I agreed that it should be done and he called to everyone please this is important and he then struggled through his tears to read it in front of everyone,I can’t really remember a more emotional set of moments that have ever taken place in my life as this all played out,my aunt Emmy who was my mothers next oldest sister spoke out and said who is this person and I raised my hand,she looked long and hard at me and asked who was I?I said I am your sister Pat’s oldest child,of course this gave away immediately who I was.While I felt the eyes upon me I didn’t feel any pain from it at all I suddenly realized that no more could who I was be hurtful to myself or anyone else it was now in the open and the responses  would come as they would, the first to come to me with a hug was one I would never would have expected It was my Cousin we all called “Cotton” he hugged me very tight and said I love you and I’m proud of you,sadly 4 days later he passed away and on July 21st I attended his funeral I am truly blessed to have received his hug and his love ,had I not chosen to attend this year I would have missed it,how truly sad that would have been,he was very close to my mother and now they are surely playing Euchre in heaven.

As I made my rounds that day not a single person had anything but positive words for me,without knowing it everyone of them that day changed my life forever,I went to the reunion a transgendered person and I left knowing I was the woman I always sought to be.I could finally relax and start a new life and be a member of the group I always belonged in.Soon I found myself being invited to events I had been previously missing,ie my cousin Jon’s birthday party.

 His Image here

cousin Jon's birthday

cousin Jon’s birthday

 Further I have now been Invited to my first ever baby shower,Wow never dreamed that one up.

I just feel like one of the girls now,and that was always my dream,I rarely even think of who I used to be I’m just busy being Shelle or Shell to most people,I live out my dream everyday. No matter where I go  everyone just say’s can I help you Mam,20090812_17 and now all the women in my family treat me like one of them,as we say here in the midwest I’m as happy as a pig in shit,and that’s the truth of it.

This person mentioned early on in the post holds my heart and will know who he is,don’t think I ever would have made it without him.u586812528-o398092611-54This lady has been my inspiration ,hope I can be as good a gal as she is,I’ll certainly try my very best.

Also hugzz and Kudo’s to this beautiful lady who always has inspired meyuzpd  I’m so lucky to have had the best of the best in my life and I will be eternally grateful for how I have been blessed in my journey it’s just now starting to  truly transition to what I hoped all along it would be now it’s LIFE not a dream I am WOMAN.

Summers end

1383118_10153385058355475_870397557_n  So summer comes to a close here on the plains,and Oh my what a wonderful one it has been .

I finally found my footing and grabbed all the bounty I could have ever desired,so much to say so much to share,Stay tuned as I turn the pages of my life over to you all.

 

Butterfly

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Lot’s of news to report here from the Butterfly Den,

A couple of weeks ago I received my annual invitation to my family reunion I have not attended since I transitioned out of respect for the event and up till now only my immediate family know about me. this has been a source of great anxiety for me as I do love my family and still desire to be a part of their lives,but as always there is that gripping fear of being rejected by people I have loved all my life,so this year I made a decision to address this issue head on and penned a letter to my cousin who sends the invitations:

 

 

Dearest Donnie; received my invitation for the Medley family reunion and just as last year it gives me time to pause and ask myself what should I do.

It makes me sad that I can’t be a part of the lives I so dearly love in this world, I didn’t attend last year’s event out of respect for all of you who have loved me all my life it is not my wish to disrupt this wonderful event that my family has each year so I chose not to come in spite of the fact that my heart and soul wishes I could.

You see I have struggled with a genetic disorder all my life and have only in the past many years come to grips with it and finally sought  therapy and treatment, through  the VA, There is no way to say this easily I’m just going to say it and hope you will understand I’m a transgendered person, I tried all my life to understand and suppress this but it’s not something that goes away it happens before you are born and cannot be changed, as I grew up from an early age I knew I was a girl but it wasn’t well understood how this occurred back then.

In more recent times it has been studied and much is known about this now it has been a plague to my life for nearly 60 yrs. I just always wished I had been born normal and been able to live life like anyone else but that was not to be.

It was not until all my parents were gone that I made a choice to act on what my doctors had confirmed many years ago I suffer from gender dysphoria, it resulted in a lot of horrible things that hurt my life because I just couldn’t understand why I was this way, after years of therapy and finally making a conscious choice to have a more peaceful end to my life I have now for about five years undergone hormone replacement therapy and finally have found true happiness in my life.

This decision has of course alienated me from many who have loved me all my life as most don’t or won’t, try to and understand this phenomenon, my immediate family brothers sisters and my son never missed a beat and continue to love and support me in life, as well as some of my cousins I’m in hope that you will support my decision as well and understand this difficult road I have traveled for so long.

Please pass along my love to all who attend this year and feel free to share this letter in hopes that next year I can attend without being the focus of the event but just another Medley.

I have legally changed my name and now live as who I should always have been,

 

Your cousin Mike Iles now (Shelle Marie Iles)

 

Above is the letter  today I received this wonderful reply:

 

Mike, Sorry but you are still Mike to me, give me some time, Your letter was heartfelt and enlightening.  I personally can’t imagine what you have been going through for the past decades.  I am enclosing this response to Tim as well, why – I can’t remember very many childhood memories when either you or Tim were not a part of my life.  We were the “Three Musketeers”  Now that we are the “Two Musketeers and One Musketshe” is completely immaterial to me.  I can still remember some spankings that I got that were directly because of you or Tim.  I was usually the innocent one of the group……..Yea Right…….

 

I gave this letter to Mom, who lives with us last night and simply asked her to read it and give me her thoughts.  Her exact comments were as my thoughts almost exactly –  “ I can’t image what he has been going through over the past years. It is immaterial who he is, he/she is still a Medley.  He should come to the Reunion”.   This from a 93 year old who has seen it all.

 

I will definitely read the letter at the Reunion if you are not there.  If you decide to come (Please Do) I will still read the letter to the family.  It is important to you that this information is understood.  I can’t guarantee how everyone will respond (remember it is the Medley Family) but myself and Mom will great you with open arms.

 

Blood is still Blood and the older we get in years the better we understand that the ONLY thing that really matters is FAMILY, Friends and Health.  Everything else is superficial.

 

Tim, the letter was written in a Red Font and was had to scan, I hope you can read it, it is worth the read…

 

So, I am Still just Donny and Tim is still Tim.  Mike is now Shelle and I still Love you Man.  Or Woman, Shit now I am confused.

 

Hope to see you Sunday, Really……

 

Donny……

 

I replied and  agreed to attend this year,for me this a long anticipated moment in my life and still a very frightening thing as well,I expect I will lose some and some will continue to love me but this is a milestone I avoided for far too long and it will be a weight lifted off this heavily burdened heart I have lived with for so many years.

 

Butterfly

 

Updates to still here,and new news

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The Person mentioned as hopeful from Craigslist,is now blocked from contacting me,after asking for a video chat and  then wanting me to disrobe for him.So much for that!!

 

In other news my platonic friend who is very much disturbed by the fact that I had a date with someone is  now actively trying to change  the parameters of our relationship,we have always had issues between us that prevented us from being in an intimate relationship and I told him as much as two years ago nothing could change that unless he was willing to seek therapy.On Thursday he had his first session with my therapist,I hope this will be helpful for him at least it says to me he cares more than he’s let on in the past,we will see what it brings to our future,I think some things at least for me are insurmountable,and that being friends may be as far as we can ever go,he gets kudos  however for at least addressing his own problems head on finally.

 

Finally I’m going to do something here I don’t usually do, I’m going to get a little political don’t usually but sometimes when things affect my own well being,I will speak out.I’m mostly at odds with the LGBT community I suppose with my political beliefs the vast majority of them are dyed in the wool Democrats or socialists who believe Obama is some sort of God who is their benefactor and walks in lock step with their every need.I am a Constitutionalist who believes strongly That we should have less government and that we should not live trillions of dollars beyond our means. I’m a senior citizen who has  been dependant on medicare for my health needs,beginning this year  my costs have skyrocketed Because of the huge cuts made to medicare by The ACA  and now upcoming on March 31 more cuts to health care providers that have medicare patients.As time goes on more and more gets cut from medicare to fund Medicaid under the ACA,I paid into the medicare program all of my adult life,and now it’s being compromised to fund a program that will help people who have never paid a dime and likely never will,I also paid into Social security all my life and now all you here is it’s a runaway program that’s breaking the country,Maybe if years ago they didn’t raid the fund and spend the monies on other things It might be more solvent today,no one ever says Welfare is running out of money as it continues to spiral out of control and is also being given to people who won’t or will never put a dime back into the system.But I digress my Oncologist informs me that new guidelines for medicare no longer will pay for Colonoscopies every two years but now every five years being a colon cancer survivor this doesn’t sit well with me,this is but a small sample of how my health is being compromised because of the ACA I have lost many such services and my costs are rising while I get less care,meanwhile the democrats hammer away at the theme that the republicans are pushing granny off the cliff,guess what not a single republican voted for the ACA,so who’s really pushing granny off the cliff.Finally I have had enough of the rising costs and diminished coverage,I took steps this past week to turn my health care over to the VA,not only can I now get a colonoscopy when I need one,but I have access to an ever-growing transgender service,they also showed me what poor quality my care is under medicare,I have been receiving blood pressure meds that are totally inappropriate for my condition, my doctor at the VA changed that immediately.I have now a new level of confidence about my health care. I predict that senior participation in the upcoming elections will remove hapless Harry Reid from his perch and our government might return to some level of normalcy.And maybe this lousy unread health care bill will be replaced with something that really helps people and restores medicare for the people who depend on it.

Butterfly

 

 

Still here

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Lot’s to tell,finally but reluctantly our long winter begins to release it’s icy grip on this part of the world.The grip began early and we have had temps running 30 to 40 degrees below normal since mid October for a  lady like me who can’t afford the luxury an auto it has been most burdensome,the combination of being trapped inside for what seems a lifetime now,and the effects of my hormones have added some unwanted pounds to my physic,it doesn’t help that I love to cook and comfort food abounds in Shelle’s abode in the winter months (I should mention I’m a good eater too and I often eat more than I should when I’m stressed) well enough said about that I obviously have some work to do when spring allows me to get out work off the winter pounds.

On Other fronts I have still been on my quest for my someone,things in that department  have moved slowly up till recently,when a couple of events have caused some serious changes in my life,I have a male friend now for about two years who has always just been a platonic friend with no kind of intimate attachment,just friends,we are very close but just not close enough to be in a relationship,so I thought. But recently I had the occasion to go out with a guy and that sent him over the edge it seems, he said he couldn’t stand the fact that I might become attached to someone else and then not have the time for him anymore,Does it sound like he is more attached to me than he lets on or is it just me? Yea me too! Well he has always kept me away from his family I guess he was ashamed to have them know who and what I am even though I’m just me everyday,all that has changed rather suddenly,and I’m now fully welcome in his life,even still he says he wants no committed relationship,well me being me I had to insist that I not be held hostage by his feelings and still be free to pursue my someone,he agrees with words but not actions he is visually upset at the prospect.

In recent days I had an answer to my Craigslist ad, first one in months at least the first that seemed real enough to warrant a good look,I  engaged and we began a dialog that soon left me scratching my head,he said to me please don’t let race become an issue for us,to which I quickly responded how could you ever seek out someone like me and even bring up that issue I have probably experienced more discrimination in my life than you ever did in yours.I was never raised to see color I deal with all on the”content of their character not the color of their skin” Hope something good comes of this but I have learned to be cautious with these persons.

Updates forthcoming,

Butterfly 

Confused Shelle

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This change to the way we used to be diagnosed really only make things more blurry for me;

DSM-V To Rename Gender Identity Disorder ‘Gender Dysphoria’

The newest edition of the psychiatric diagnostic manual will do away with labeling transgender people as “disordered.”

 

The newest edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or DSM, will replace the diagnostic term “Gender Identity Disorder” with the term “Gender Dysphoria,” according to the Associated Press.

For years advocates have lobbied the American Psychiatric Association to change or remove categories labeling transgender people in a psychiatric manual, arguing that terms like “Gender Identity Disorder” characterize all trans people as mentally ill. Based on the standards to be set by the DSM-V, individuals will be diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria for displaying “a marked incongruence between one’s experienced/expressed gender and assigned gender.”

“All psychiatric diagnoses occur within a cultural context,” said Jack Drescher, a member of the APA subcommittee working on the revision. “We know there is a whole community of people out there who are not seeking medical attention and live between the two binary categories. We wanted to send the message that the therapist’s job isn’t to pathologize.”

Homosexuality was diagnosed in the DSM as an illness until 1973, and conditions pertaining to homosexuality were not entirely removed until 1987. According to Dana Beyer, who helped the Washington Psychiatric Society make recommendations on matters of gender and sexuality, the new term implies a temporary mental state rather than an all-encompassing disorder, a change that helps remove the stigma transgender people face by being labeled “disordered.”

“A right-winger can’t go out and say all trans people are mentally ill because if you are not dysphoric, that can’t be diagnosed from afar,” Beyer told the AP. “It no longer matters what your body looks like, what you want to do to it, all of that is irrelevant as far as the APA goes.”

From a legal perspective, the classification of Gender Identity Disorder is extremely harmful to some trans people, but surprisingly beneficial to others.

In one legal case, says San Francisco psychiatrist Dan Karasic, a trans woman from Utah risks losing the children she fathered before her transition. Because she is trans, a lawyer has argued that her GID is a “severe, chronic mental illness that might be harmful to the child.”

But in other cases, a GID diagnosis justifies insurance coverage for gender reassignment surgery and other medical procedures that sometimes accompany a transition. Having a diagnosis is the difference between a necessary medical procedure and something that can be perceived as cosmetic surgery that insurance won’t cover, Drescher says.

Others argue that GID should stay in the DSM in some form because it provides a solid legal defense for transgender people who have experienced discrimination based on their gender identity.

“Having a diagnosis is extremely useful in legal advocacy,” said Shannon Minter, legal director of the National Center for Lesbian Rights. “We rely on it even in employment discrimination cases to explain to courts that a person is not just making some superficial choice … that this is a very deep-seated condition recognized by the medical community.”

Mental health professionals who work with trans clients are also pushing for a revised list of symptoms, so that a diagnosis will not apply to people whose distress comes from external prejudice, adults who have transitioned, or children who simply do not meet gender stereotypes.

I understand that there are legal issues that brought this to a change but it has further confused what has always been a very black and white issue in my life. A recent conversation with the person who runs the local transgender program at our pride office here left me further confused. This was the description of transgender offered by this person.

Well, for example, for me, I do not identify as male or female. I identify completely outside of the spectrum of male or female and the way I think about my gender changes a lot from day to day. I am not confused about how i identify, it just changes frequently. I consider myself trans* masculine and genderfluid because I typically identify and present myself more masculinely, but I do not identify as “male”. I never want to go on hormone therapy or get genital altering surgeries, but I would like to get top surgery and have a flat chest.

This description of being transgender really has me confused more than I thought I could be on the subject. but we have fallen under the umbrella of more and more different forms of transgenderism,now to include people who Identify as genderqueer and genderfuck,and on and on it seems who ever is outside the LGB spectrum is now included as transgender.I thought my issues were confusing enough as they were but now my once black and white issues is more confused than ever.

On the negative side, the proposed diagnostic criteria for Gender Dysphoria still contradict social and medical transition and describe transition itself as symptomatic of mental illness. The criteria for children are particularly troubling, retaining much of the archaic sexist language of the DSM-IV that pathologizes gender nonconformity rather than distress of gender dysphoria Moreover, children who have socially transitioned continue to be disrespected by misgendering language in the diagnostic criteria and dimensional assessment questions. There is very plainly no exit from the diagnosis for those who have completed transition and are happy with their bodies and lives. In other words, the only way to exit the GD label, once diagnosed, is to follow the course of gender conversion/reparative therapies, designed to shame trans people into the closets of assigned birth roles. While supportive care providers will continue to make the diagnosis work for their clients, intolerant clinicians will exploit contradictory language in the diagnostic criteria to deny transition care access and promote unethical gender conversion treatments.

This person ask me to describe what I thought being transgendered was  I referred to the diagnosis given me by my therapist,apparently the professionals don’t keep up with what the people in the LGBT community describes as transgender And I’m not what I thought I was at all I’m mixed up now more than ever,I thought I and the professionals  treating me had a handle on my identity but now I’m not sure any more.

Living somewhere in la la land  a confused Butterfly

Regret

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I try very hard to avoid issues that are very politically charged but this is one that has affected me personally and left scars on my life that will never go away.It happened not just to me but also to the mother of my son,God bless her for who she is.A part of my heart will always reside with her’s.This life story begins around 40 years ago,we were around ten months married and were just blessed with a son,not something we planned but something thrust on our lives,we had just married and on our first night together she conceived our son to be, most believed that this wasn’t true but we both know it’s very true, we were doubted by some as being not married when this happened I assure you we were she is a woman of great virtue and I stand up for that now just as always.

It was the early seventies and we were in the throes of  the times a young hippy couple  recently displaced from our home in the midwest to the ever so liberal place of our dreams, California everyone’s dream destination at the time, we were a true sign of the times dreamers looking for our dream and it seemed we had  it in our grasp at that moment.dennis-hopper-easy-rider-bird flip

We had recently left San Francisco and taken up residence in Ventura,circumstances left us living in a house on the side of a mountain it was a magical place beautiful and a place where our son would learn to crawl and eventually walk,it seemed at the time as parents we were also learning to walk.We had this image of Dennis Hopper hanging over my sons crib with an inscription below saying (Who says you can’t buy salvation )It made for a very funny encounter with some Jehovah’s Witness people who came to our door while our son was still very tiny,they ask to see the new-born and when they did they saw this and made a hasty retreat from our residence.

Back now to the substance of my life’s discomfort in all this,knowing that we could easily conceived and that our financial position at the time was at best shaky we took what we thought were the safest of all precautions ,my dear bride subjected herself to the use of a device called an IUD this proved to have terrible results for us, as we got pregnant again almost before we knew what was happening to us, our close friends at the time steered us to planned parenthood where we sought help with our new dilemma,we found that the device had grown into her female parts and was causing great harm to her and it would need to be removed ,but along with this we were coached by our friends and planned parenthood to make a decision that would leave us both with a pain that would never leave either of us,We opted to have our child aborted and for me to have a vasectomy so that she wouldn’t have anymore bad results with birth control  methods that might be harmful to her.I know it was a traumatic experience for her,and  hope she realizes it was for me as well,we were told it was probably a girl child something as a father at the time I would have loved to have in my life.And now there was little if any chance that I could ever have this chance again.I know we both hurt inside after our decision and we spoke of it never going forward but I know it lived on inside of us both.

 Now as my life wanes and I have become a woman myself I think I understand better the hurt she must have endured,not that it didn’t cause me much pain as well but I had a far different understanding of women’s issues  back then.I have come  over the years to be revolted by the number of human lives that are ended by planned parenthood they didn’t ever offer us planned parenthood they offered us the death of our child and never even once counseled us toward keeping the precious life we had made together. Now at this time of my life I can only hope to find a mate and hopefully have the chance to be a mother before I leave this earthly place,I was promised this in a relationship I had recently and it hurt me deeply that it was all just a lie.

Planned parenthood performs around 300,000 abortions a year all in the far left view that women should have autonomy over their bodies,is it really that or is it planned murder. They seem squeamish when it comes to executing life when it comes to the death penalty claiming it’s cruel and usual punishment,but it’s okay to target and kill by drone anytime at will,this selective vision of murder is very troubling to me, life is precious and yet the ones who are most for ending it are already born.

Butterfly

The Invisible Man

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While I have made no secret that it is my desire to enter into a life relationship with a man,I’m reminded by my dear friend Cyrsti that I have embarked on what will likely be a long difficult and maybe impossible journey.I’m sure you all remember my disastrous last  experience with Craigslist not knowing much about  posting a personal there I got a very good education into the way most men perceive girls like me,I know that  the image they in general see comes from viewing porn sites and dreaming of what could be. Few I wager have ever given any thought to what a true transgender is all about they rely on their very skewed image that comes from not the  greatest of sources on the subject. I learned early on that transgender dating sites are no place to look as I always end up with the same type I last encountered  with my first Craigslist debacle. When I ask that they send a picture I had no idea that I would end up viewing so many mens private parts. It was easy to know which head these fellows were thinking with, not saying I didn’t find it somewhat flattering that so many found me attractive enough to have those desires but it just isn’t me to seek out sexual encounters with  every Tom ,Dick and Harry, I’m looking for something more , a cerebral connection  that makes a connection with their heart, not just with what their heart makes throb if you know what I mean. I do want intimacy I’d be remiss to say otherwise but  I have the patience to wait for someone very special  to make an entrance to my life.I thought armed with some experience now with Craigslist I would try again with a much refined list of desires, I may find myself lonely for a great while if the past couple of weeks are any indication,I have however made a connection with a nice fellow interested in being friends and having honest conversations with me It’s a start and I at least have found someone I’m able to honestly share with if nothing else it renews my faith that there are men of decency in this world with the patience to listen. I may indeed end up some old spinster but not for lack of trying I assure you. I know it’s asking a great deal  of the world to have my path cross with a soul mate but I just can’t bring myself to think it is completely out of the realm of possibility. In all my years I never gave up on myself so I’m not giving up on humanity either,I feel in my heart that I have been preparing for this all my life and that it WILL come to me. Meanwhile I’m seeking the invisible man or least one of the rarest of men on the planet.

Butterfly

Soap box Shelle

soapbox_webOften I get inspired to speak out about issues that touch my life differently than others this is one of those times. Before I get real wound up I first want to say that no matter who we are what gender ,race, ethnicity or any other difference we all know that “THEY” and we all know who “THEY” are but never tell, have really screwed things up for “US”.

Firstly I wish to go on about an issue I have touched on before that being, LGBT  while the LGB persons have made great strides this past year toward equal rights and have gained the right to marry in many more states,the advances for “T” not so much. I know I’ll get grief for this but I don’t really like being grouped in with the LGB persons because our civil rights issues are vastly different from theirs. First off their group is very easy to join all you have to do is profess that you are one of them and bingo you are automatically embraced by the whole group.They are militant in nature but have permeated nearly every corner of our society these days and so their agenda is moving quickly into the mainstream of society hardly a soul  anymore blinks an eye at being any one of the LGB community.Joining my group the “T’s” is a much different matter however,first off you get grouped in with,Transvestite’s.Transexual’s,Crossdresser’s,Shemales and on and on you know the umbrella I myself belong only to one under this grouping Transgender.I have great disdain for some under my “Umbrella” and feel that a lot of them are an anchor stopping my civil rights from moving forward at a faster pace because some of them bring shame and degradation to who I am and further promote a bad image of my circumstance in life.First to officially join my group you must submit yourself to a therapist and be diagnosed and so marked by society rule before you can actually be “TREATED” for your disorder why isn’t my professing who I am enough just like the LGB people? And then the other differences begin to surface I can be jailed for using the bathroom of the gender I express,and God forbid if you go to jail you get to go in with the opposite gender that you express,I think you can see the problems we face that will never come up for  people in the LGB group this group however doesn’t have a disorder like me, how does all this promote any safety or happiness in my life I submit it doesn’t it just tramples further on my right to be human and live as who I am.

And then there are the sexuality issues something even I hadn’t really come to grips with before coming out and beginning HRT,It was one of the first questions my son ask me when I came out to him and at the time I had no answer I didn’t know I was too engulfed in transition to even give it any thought.I feel like Pre-Shelle used relationships with women to avoid having to deal with issues about my sexuality and it gave me a free pass to fit in without being detected as who I was.I think looking back I was very wrong and caused damage to a couple of very fine ladies in my life by attempting to hide my true self from them out of fear,I will likely beat myself up for this weakness of character for a long time.At any rate as time and Hormone therapy began it’s major changes in my noggin I began contemplating just what was my sexual orientation? I concluded that since I 100% identify as a women at least between the ears where true gender exists and that my deepest wish was to live as close to a normal cisgendered woman’s life as I could and that I really wanted a man in my life. I think to my son that meant I was gay,I disagree I think I just seek what seems to be the natural order of life for me I have little to no experience with men so I can’t make a full judgement as yet but I am on a quest to have one of my own someday. There in lays new issues that are far different than that of the LGB clan and the cisgendered people it takes a very special type of man to overlook what I am and have a normal relationship with me I have scoured the land seeking this in my new life but to little avail thus far it’s akin to having lighting strike you three times in the same spot in ten minutes time,sure there are willing participants for sex but this is not the only thing I seek I want a connection of the heart to go with the carnal pleasure.Well wish me luck peeps. Stepping down from the box for now.

Butterfly